dating for 2 months and now the ex wife wants him back

[loubiethenewbie]

ive been seeing someone for 8 weeks, when i met him (on a dating site) he was separated - instigated by his ex wife, she filed for divorce..... all was going brilliantly well until around 4 weeks ago when she decided she wants him back.... when im with him now she is constantly calling - 100 times this weekend just gone, she has made all sorts of threats to herself and trying to speak to him saying one of their children has had an accident, just to get his attention.
She says she made a mistake ending their marriage - she firmly believes he will go back to her, ive no reason to doubt him when he tells me he wont, however the situation is driving me mad, i never wanted to end up with someone like this - at times i feel like the other woman..... if and when i meet his kids im sure they will see me as the adulterer due to what she says to them. He was married for 20 years, their marriage was the only relationship he had before meeting me.
thanks for reading ! any helpful words would be appreciated

As usual AF has hit the nail on the head, i think it sounds as though he is getting off on having two women jealous of each other and if his wife was the one to end it he was back on the dating scene suspiciously quickly.

I know men often jump into relationships after one has ended but this is a 20 year marriage we're talking about. Something doesn't feel right here...sorry.

agree with the "throw this one back"- and of course you wont, human nature. you know NOTHING about their marriage or their history. It might be a blip, and it might be the straw that broke the camels back, you will never know. But you are going to get very embroiledif you are not very careful. she wont take you seriously- and the ongoing calls will continue

be careful as i suspect you might get hurt

YY tigermoll, he did not fuck about with getting on the dating website did he? maybe I am a low testosterone woman but baffles me how fast men move on.

I would honestly swerve this one. Do you really want this drama?

Tell him to sort his life out and you'll see in the new year!

Seriously, I would just step out of the way and let them sort their shit out.

He is probably not in a good place to start a new relationship.

Agree op about moving on as this will probably only get worse before it gets better.

But all this throw him back bollocks grates on me if it was reversed here and a man said "throw her back" he'd be jumped on for being disrespectful, total double standards on this board.

< ywan >

yawn even

Even if the kids are teenagers they still need to see\ stay with the absent parent .it sounds if he has abandoned them if under 18 they need to have a responsable adult around at weekend and my guess from what you stay that hasn't been happening. As others have said walk away till he has sorted all areas of his life.

Back off. This seems far too intense for an 8 week relationship. Mini-breaks? Seems like classic rebound.

He is not free. You feel like the other woman because you kind of are. Unwittingly, you are slap bang in the middle of their relationship.

Interesting thread!

He should have sorted out his current situation before starting a new relationship....don't get caught up in it all....

If I was really keen, I'd say, let's leave this for now, get in touch in Spring and we'll see how it goes...

I've seen this loads (and er done this) before - the person who did the dumping goes ballistic when dumpee quickly finds a new partner - it can be very tumultuous. I'd give them space to find out what they want.

I'm not a fan of the 'back off' advice either. By all means scrap the relationship if it looks like too much hassle so early on, but the onus is not on the op to back off or give anybody space.

This guy said he was single and available, it's not op's fault he hasn't sorted out loose ends. If she's really into him then maybe they can work something out.

hippogrillapig

I know what you mean about double standards but in this case I think its justified- not because he is a red flag waving abuser but its sounhds like a massive shit heap of someone elses stress and drama! and 20 years is a loooong time. and who wants to be in a violent tug of war with a wife and kids at one end of the rope..STRESS!

hippo if your deleted comment is the best response you can come up with, then my "double standards" have just been vindicated

Sorry if I missed it but what does HE want? Doesn't sound like he is rushing back to his ex whenever she snaps her fingers however he is clearly feeling under pressure from her (not surprising after so many years). Maybe she is finding life without him much harder than she expected when she filed for divorce and is forgetting why she filed in the first place?

He certainly needs time to sort out his marriage, whether that's "in or out", so are you prepared to support him during this process (with the risk that he may go back)? Or are you confident enough about your relationship to give him the space to tie up the loose ends and come back to you?

thanks intlman i think you've got it just about right, he isn't rushing back - he's ignored the phone calls and messages an only spoken to her when she has created a serious drama.... his DC in an accident. He is under pressure - its obvious. I've since had her stalking me on social media and sending me messages, shes also turned up at his flat in tears.

He does need time to sort out his marriage, i'm not prepared to stay by his side through this as its already proved stressful and i need to look after myself.... if he decides he can cut marriage ties sell the house get a divorce etc I've told him we may be able to work things out but until then I've told him i need to walk away. I believe he's as a genuine man who I've met at a very difficult time.

That is the right course of action, IMO

You have don't the right thing. This should be the fun part.

Sounds like you've done the right thing for your own sanity. Timing is everything. Good luck and I hope it works out for you both.

Btw, my ex never misses an opportunity to cause trouble or create a scene. Unfortunately it's not that unusual but it is his problem to sort out, not yours.

lunar why would this be fun it's not!

Sorry that's not what I meant. I was meaning that eight weeks in should be the fun part of the relationship. Not a time filled with you worrying he will go back to an ex and having to think about his divorce. Sorry I should have made it clearer.

but it should be is what lunar is saying

2 months in it should be your heart beating faster when you hear his voice, can't wait to see him, like it's you two are the only people in the world

like you have realised though, OP, it is very far from that and just not good enough to put yourself through that shit

it's his shit to sort out

Good you've decided on the most sensible option loubie. What struck me was the fact he's got all this recent history with the ex (without knowing how long he's been separated for I'd hazard a guess it's under a year) and you are the 'transition relationship', there to soak up all the fallout from the marriage and provide a comforting bosom but once his head clears and he is truly 'over' the marriage he will move on and you will be dumped anyway.
Just a hunch but I've seen it before.