How much does your DH/DP contribute to your marriage?

[prettyballons]

I don't mean money but other things.
I am increasingly fed up with what I see at DH's lack of interest in anything other than his work.
He gets a huge amount out of work - loves it- whereas I work p/t, having shouldered most of the child care over the years. DCs now adults. I still do 80% of the housey stuff- shopping, cooking, cleaning, garden, laundry etc.

We had a massive show down a few months back when I made my expectations clear because I was no longer happy to be the one taking control of everything domestic, except bill paying which he does online.

-He has no interest in decorating - I have to nag.
-He never thinks about Xmas presents for the DCs- I've done it all over the years and have done it for this year now. He's not even mentioned what we might buy them.
-He never did any housework until recently when I put a bomb up his arse and said if he didn't start doing XYZ chores that was it.
-He never suggests holidays because by the time he does it's too late in the year, so when we do go away it's all researched, planned and booked by me, and some years I just cannot be bothered being the one taking control.
-He has no friends so we never entertain or see anyone ( except my friends who I meet for lunch and days out.)

Is this 'normal' for couples or would I be better off packing my bags and either being on my own or with someone who put some effort into the relationship?

I hear you. I am currently trying to get my DH to understand how some of the issues you raise get me down. I don't think it's normal but I think it is common.

He's not interested in decorating either - I can cope with that but seems to have no interest in his surroundings at all - would sit in rooms with bulbs gone, won't fix anything that's broken unless I nag about it constantly, takes no responsibility for any maintenance like boiler servicing, chimney sweeping etc. I do it all.

Will do any housework, shopping etc I ask him to but the key word is ask. Won't notice if things need doing, won't take responsibility for any areas of the house.

Has a vague interest in christmas but will expect me to do all the shopping, meal planning etc, or to delegate (and that means doing all the thinking for him, making a list).

We do entertain but they are all my friends and their partners. He does do sport and has other interests - plays instruments etc but not socially.

I do everything child related - ours are secondary age and I keep everything going, pay clubs, school stuff, monitor homework, speak to teachers etc etc etc.

I did make a stand a while ago and delegated his family to him - the result is we rarely see them and his family never get cards or presents on birthdays.

I find it utterly dispiriting that he's just unable to step up and be proactive about anything. I work as a pretty senior manager and feel like I either have to do everything at home or I have to manage him too. I want someone who is a full partner in our lives together. I don't know what the answer is.

Basically he sounds more interested in his job than you his wife.. Which is something that you need to talk together about and is the main crux of the matter, you sound like a house keeper..

peggy I didn't say I didn't work. I've always worked and what I earned has always been enough to pay the mortgage. I don't know why a couple of posters think I don't work and am a SAHM effectively.

Likewise we don't spend much on presents for each other- hardly anything- that's not what I said. I was moaning that he doesn't take any initiative for gifts for the DCs - not even mention what they'd like ( by which time I've bought and wrapped them.)

This is not so much about chores ( he's trying on that front) but more about all the 'extras' that make a relationship more than just living in the same house.

Having dreams, plans, making the most of life.....fun, I think it's called.

Was he ever fun? Is there a point at which it changed?

I agree, not much point in just plodding through life.

A couple may be equally committed to the family but make different (but equitable) contributions. On MN there seem to be a higher proportion of SAHMs than in the general population - statistically most women work & spend very little time out of the Labour market. The assumption is that one person brings in money & the other is responsible for most of the housework (which should take less time than working hours even if spread out throughout 7 days?). Perhaps it could be treated like a job & mostly done during conventional working hours?! The important thing is both are contributing to the welfare of the household & it shouldn't matter which work attracts a money wage - but often that person can think it means they should make all decisions because the money gives them extra importance.

It is a much greater problem when both work outside the house if all household tasks fall to the woman as a,"second shift". One partner may work pt but this can also be unsatisfactory in terms of task sharing (not to mention costs in terms of working below yr qualification/experience level, lost career progression & pension etc).

Even younger couples, who might share housework more equitably, seem to lose the plot when they have kids with the woman often more or less solely responsible. There is a whole literature on housework(!) & economists of the "new household economics" school have tried to ascribe value to tasks that do not have a market price but which add value. Some of you may remember the campaign group "Wages for Housework" which was making a similar point.

During my working life, waged work has become much more pressured stressful & with longer & longer hours so I can empathise with the one who works outside the home wanting to come home & flop! . When I get home I can just about summon the energy to buy & cook some food - most days. I imagine if I had a companion who stayed at home it would be lovely to come home to cooked food :) I do think housework could be more palatable if it can be treated as a job & mostly completed within the hours of 9-5. I cannot spend 40 hrs on it after 50 hrs at work & more brought home & I resent it dominating my w/ends :(

As mentioned, children are not "housework" & in the hours that both parents are home, their care, activities & fun should be shared.

I had one like that. I got rid of him in October - ahh bliss.

I read an article recently about a psychologist who spent lots of time observing couples and trying to work out what makes a couple successful: www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/?single_page=true

Here is a quote from it, "Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs."

I don't know whether this rings any bells for you, but I think this is a reason why it isn't very helpful to tell you that you should just do the decorating/buy the gifts. The point is that you want your husband to be interested and engaged in the life you lead together.

Some of this is a bit familiar to me. DH does next to nothing when it comes to organising the kids, and then sometimes has the nerve to complain about something I've arranged because I 'didn't consult' him. I always do consult him by the way, he's just generally thinking about work and has no recall of these conversations . He does get stuck in to taxiing and food shopping and that sort of thing though, and doesn't always need to be instructed. He does no present thinking/buying (and again has complained about not being consulted). I have to organise holidays, though I really quite dislike doing this. If I didn't work ftoh it would drive me nuts, but I also have my own independent professional and social arrangements so keep my sanity! He would actually like me to help him arrange events associated with his work, but I refuse except in emergencies. He has long ago given up asking me to iron his shirts .

Tbh he doesn't spend much time playing with the kids, talking to them, reading with them or whatever and that's the one thing that does really really bother me a lot. He's really obsessed with his work, which is actually quite interesting and also brings me into contact with lots of interesting people, so that's not all bad, but there's a definite cost to his relationship with the kids and if they complain it's pretty difficult for me to defend him sometimes. He needs to put a lot more time into it. He's a bit lazy in some respects though works very hard in his professional life.

We do discuss this of course, and he has admitted that he sees his contribution as providing for the family financially. I don't think that's a lie - he has clearly framed himself as provider and I think that he subconsciously models himself on his dad (who I never met). But it is also obviously bullshit as he doesn't always out earn me and we both work ft and travel etc!

He sounds horrible when I put it like that, but he's not. He's nice and funny and he loves me and I him. But I sympathise with op that the asymmetry is tiresome.

I think this sort of dependence/immaturity when it comes to domestic and family affairs is much more typical in men than women, presumably for social reasons. But it's not like they have to be like this. My dad and brothers are not and I'm determined my sons will not be either.

Btw we don't have a housework issue as most domestic tasks are outsourced at our house. But the responsibility for planning and arranging all domestic affairs seems to fall to me.

If there are decorating jobs etc to be done and your dh earns a good salary, then could you pay for a professional decorator to come and do it? Many men/women don't feel too competent with going up ladders and so on, but if one has the money, it's fine to get someone in.

It's fairly common for a man to feel his 'contribution' is the earning of money for his family. Some aren't comfortable with the domestic side of life, and unfortunately it should have been sorted out right from the start. If a man has always 'just worked' and nothing else, it is indeed hard for him to change.

I expect you do feel lonely being the one 'driving' the marriage while he seems disengaged. Could you have a really honest sit-down-and-get-it-all-in-the-open long talk with him? Give him the chance to try and adjust his approach. If he really loves you, he'd want to improve your happiness.

In answer to the title of your post, my dh had to learn everything from scratch as he came from Africa and had no idea at all of domestic things. Culturally the men in his community are completely (and I mean completely!) disengaged from their womenfolk regarding day-to-day running of a marriage, home, children etc. He'd also lived in a tin shanty shack with a mud floor, never seen a carpet, hoover, washing machine or flush toilet. It was as if he'd landed from another planet. But he stepped up to the mark straight away and all these years has taken an equal role in our life together. He has has very humble jobs (cleaner and so on) on minimum wage, but I have a good pension (and salary when teaching) so that doesn't matter. He is utterly responsible in our house and sorts out maintenance, cleaning, cooking, ironing. We're quite old now, so get in a painter to do decorating and a gardener etc. But you see, we 'started as we meant to go on.' It was his excellent, caring attitude which made him step up and take on our joint life with such enthusiasm and goodwill.

I have put up with shit for years. We both work full-time and my career is more demanding than his. I work as a sr manager for a big blue chip - he potters along in a small company set up by his mates. Everything has come down to me - we have 4 kids. He wouldnt know where their dentist or doctor was. I nag and this is not the person I want to be. Recently I delegated the laundry to him - it is chaos - but it us the kids screaming at him as there are no pants etc fir school. But beyond "chore wars" it is even worse - he cant handle money, has no plans for the future etc - it is boring and exhausting and I am plotting my exit...he is a man child

I also do my own holidays short breaks with friends and sisters - i even took myself off for a week on my own - it was wonderful....he hasnt even noticed. I has some serious health issues in the summer (MH breakdown, cardiac issues and malignant melanoma) - he did nt even notice and was zero support. i asked him to organise a weekend away for me to recoup - he didnt. It is lonely, frustrating and dull.....I asked him to read a book about our issues - he couldnt be bothered to prioritise focussing on our marriage. I have a few things to get sorted then I am off. I dont want to be a bitter resentful contemptous old bag. I will be fine on my own.

I also do my own holidays short breaks with friends and sisters - i even took myself off for a week on my own - it was wonderful....he hasnt even noticed. I has some serious health issues in the summer (MH breakdown, cardiac issues and malignant melanoma) - he did nt even notice and was zero support. i asked him to organise a weekend away for me to recoup - he didnt. It is lonely, frustrating and dull.....I asked him to read a book about our issues - he couldnt be bothered to prioritise focussing on our marriage. I have a few things to get sorted then I am off. I dont want to be a bitter resentful contemptous old bag. I will be fine on my own.

I think my balance is quite good.

We have my DS1 who is 5, and DC2 is currently cooking. I have a problem with my leg which makes it very difficult to commit to a job.

My DP works very very long hours and does extra work on the side to being in as much as possible, he covers the costs of absolutely everything, he also cleans up after himself if he's been cooking/eating and takes on full whack of the housework and shares the child and 'me' care with my mum when my leg is too bad (which is frequently!). He's also really good in the scense of that he takes us out, and treats us... Takes us cinema, restaurants, activities ect WITHOUT me having to suggest it!

I do all the child care and house work (apart from when my leg is too bad), cooking, meal preps ect (he's a body builder so eats differently to us), I'm usually the one who researches and books holidays, but he fronts all the costs.

I couldn't be happier with our arrangement to be honest. I used to work full time and struggled with the commute and a very unhappy DS, who hated it. The stress of it all used to mean I was in pain a lot more as well, since I left I am happier, my son is happier and I have more time and energy to invest into our relationship... Until number 2 comes ;-)