Just turned 40 and feeling low....

[Blackberrystone10]

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts and maybe offer some words of wisdom.

I recently turned 40, and I have been single for 7 years since I left my sons father. He was/is irresponsible and selfish; he stole £1000 from my savings account to buy alcohol and cocaine when our son was three months old and I caught him cheating twice before I fell pregnant. Since leaving him I've been happy to concentrate on being the best mum I can be so relationships have taken a back seat. The trouble is, my history before him wasn't too rosy either. Since my early 20's I have not had one relationship where I haven't either been cheated on or physically/mentally abused, and I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me. My confidence is pretty low and I'm scared that no one will ever want to be with me.

Now my son is older I'm starting to think about dating again, but I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I don't know how all of the negativity of my past relationships is going to affect my ability to have a normal one now, as I am so scared of being hurt again. I've cocooned myself in a cosy world where it's just me and my child and I don't know how to "do" a relationship- not a true, honest one anyway. I really feel that I'm scarred for life and that it'll never happen for me.

To add to me feelings off self doubt, I was made redundant this year and I've struggled to find another job that pays as well and fits around my family commitments. I'm currently only working 16 hours a week for very little money and living off benefits. My redundancy money is as good as gone and my financial worries are piling up too.

In a nutshell, I'm riddled with insecurities and self-doubt and it scares me that my life at 40 is not where I thought it would be. Any messages of reassurance or support would be most welcome right now. 'It's the season to be jolly after all, and I'm feeling anything but!

Happy birthday. Realistically, no-one can wave a magic wand and tell you that it'll all be OK, you'll find love or a new job and skip into the sunset whistling Dixie. You have to decide what it is you want, prioritise your efforts a little, and then give it your best shot. Trying and failing is better than not trying at all. Mistakes are par for the course and have to be embraced.

Best of luck

Hi Blackberry, happy birthday! Life begins here they say and you have another 40 years to enjoy your life and the life you want. You are so young.

Expect more for and of yourself. You're clearly smart, eloquent, determined, hard-working. Look after your body, spirit and mind. Love yourself and EXPECT MORE of life in your current situation. That may seem ridiculous now but it's just as hard to get too little than more than you expected so aim high in all you're endeavors and believe in yourself.

You've done so well so far. Be less compromising with your choices of men in future too. If he's feckless, move on. If he doesn't bring as least as much to the party as you (life, interest, joy, work, ideas, motivation etc) walk on.

Onward and upward BB!

I'm 57. Life has recently changed for the better. Take the odd risk, you'll find its quite fun.

I had my ds at 42, his father left five weeks later, and I was on my own until ds was 7, so your post resonates with me in lots of ways. My previous relationship were all with men who I now think didn't deserve me (!), although my self esteem was fairly low so I put up with all sorts of nonsense. So here's the message of hope: I found that I grew really proud of myself for being a good mother, and my self-worth flourished just through being loved unquestionably by my ds. And when I met dh, we took it really slowly, dating properly once a week for literally months and just getting to know and trust each other before he met ds. I kept asking myself "is this man fit to be a stepfather to my ds", and I found it easier to apply the high standards he deserved rather than my own "making do" standards. That was six years ago now and we are truly very happy. So please keep the faith! Good luck.