Am I wrong to want/expect to see my man more than just at weekends?

[excitedbutscared]

Hi everyone.

Regulars here will know I have posted before about the struggles I've had with the relationship I am in, but things seem to have got a lot better and my DP has demonstrated a lot more commitment towards me and our relationship. I think his casual-ness approach to 'us' was because he was in a long-term relationship with someone who only moved out of their home about 2 or 3 months before our relationship began. I, on the other hand, had been single for about 3 years apart from a casual matey type relationship I had with someone I would regard as more of a friend.

I think I'm looking for outside, onlooker's thoughts on my current situation and maybe give me a reality check!

When we are together, he is completely doting, loving, seems completely genuine when he says he loves and adores me. In terms of commitment, he has planned for him and his daughter to come to mine for Christmas, has said he wants me to go with him to visit his family of the Christmas period and we have even just booked a 10 day holiday to The Maldives together! So I know he is serious and thinking long-term. We rode my motorbike to his house today to put it away for the winter and he talks about us going out riding together again in the spring time - so he is definitely thinking into the future.

We live about 35-40 miles away from each other and both have busy jobs. Here's the thing. We only seem to see each other at weekends. As early as we can on a Friday and I, or he, leaves the other on a Sunday afternoon to sort kids/work out for the next day.

We initially met in January, dated for about 3 or 4 months before we became 'exclusive' and we declared love for each other for the first time in July.

My thing is that I would like to see him more often than this. I suggested a month or so ago that we had a week day 'date night' where we would take it in turns to stay at one of the other's house. He seemed to happily agree provided he didn't have a difficult day with travel/work commitments the next day and we saw each other on the Wednesday that week. Since then, it hasn't happened. Every time he says he is shattered/stressed, or has to be in London the next day and needs to prepare etc. I do get this, but it would be nice if he made an effort to see me another night instead. I left his house this afternoon and he has not mentioned seeing me during the week at all and I don't know whether to bring it up. I seem to be the one to, once it gets to Tuesday evening, ask on the phone if we are seeing each other the next day and I feel I am starting to sound like a stuck record always with the same reply.

Am I asking too much at this stage? Being too needy? Or should he be making the effort to see me more than just at weekends? We haven't talked about the future in terms of living together or anything yet and I'm not too bothered really as I have two DD's that I couldn't just up-root and he needs to be near his work and his own DD. But, can our relationship progress the way it is? Should I just be happy with the wonderful, fantastic relationship we do have when we are together and look forward to the future? (although I don't know if his idea of the future is the same as mine!)

Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond. I find it so helpful to get all the different responses

I don't think this relationship is right for you. If it were, you wouldn't be second-guessing yourself. It seems a man who is available only at the weekends isn't for you.

& is every weekend reserved for him..? As in, do you have friends? What happens if a friend wants to meet for an evening out, or you want to visit family or they want to visit you, etc. Are you putting everybody else aside so that your weekends are reserved totally and exclusively for him? So what happens if you can't see him one weekend, will it just be 'ok see you in 2 weeks then?' Also, he's not a hundred miles away is he, so why can't he see you midweek even if that happened twice a month?

You need to put the time in to grow a relationship bond. Sometimes women play it cool for fear of coming across too needy - but why should women play the game of 'I really want this to happen but I won't say it in case he thinks x y or z'. You're not a mate, you are his partner. Let him know how you feel.

& based on the agreement to meet up midweek happening once and then all others cancelled, Id be inclined to visit HIM midweek and see whats keeping him so very busy he can only ever see his girlfriend at the weekends.

I'd be inclined to step back a bit and see what happens as well. I'd still text him or whatever you normally do but just drop asking him what he's doing in the week and make other plans for yourself.

I had a relationship a bit like this and we didn't even have distance as an excuse . I can see it from his perspective - it's still fairly early days so he needs to make an effort but is just too damn tired. I sometimes didn't see my ex boyfriend for 2 weeks, which was all down to me. I work shifts plus I had essays to write, and if I had a big essay due I would put him off. Plus, I'm the kind of person who needs alone time to recharge my batteries and he may be the same. To my shame, I used to fob him off quite a bit and it wasn't because I didn't love him or wasn't committed to him. We did text each other all the time though. If he's initiating contact with you then I wouldn't worry about it, if not then yes I would think there's a problem.

I agree that you should give it a time frame like someone else said, and then see how things go. If you're not happy, then bring it up again. It sounds fab to me though, you get the weekends with him, with the week to yourself and your children, and you're getting to spend Christmas together and you're going on holiday. Wonderful! I'd just try and enjoy it for what it is right now and not stress too much. :)

Does he ever call you in the evenings, or is it always you? If it's ALWAYS you, then definitely cut back. Just skip a night. Wait for him to ring you.

I know that communication is the secret of relationships, but you really need an idea of how much he's putting into this. And the only way to tell us for you to do less.

Are you the one doing all the initiating in this relationship? Was it you who suggested having Christmas together?

whats no it's nearly always him that calls me. I'll call him one out of say five nights and it was him that first mentioned spending Christmas together. He was almost shy about it which was sweet. Like I've said before, in the early months it was much more me all of the time doing the instigating but I felt this and did pull back. Since then he has been much more forthcoming - it is really this weekday thing that has been bothering me.

mistress although it may seem like hard work, I think it's a bit early to just decide this relationship isn't for me. I've been through two pretty terrible long term relationships. The first ended up with my DH leaving me for my best friend and the second DH became an alcoholic and abused me and I had to take my children and leave and start again. It took me 3 years to be myself again and find love and it feels so good, I'm just petrified of messing it up! I desperately want it to work with this guy but am also well aware that not all relationships do and I don't want to give myself away too easily or settle for something that isn't right or stay in a relationship for the sake of it. I just want to give it the best chance possible and airing my thoughts on here helps me gain perspective and support for when things are tough

I have skim read the thread so hope I'm not repeating anything that's already been said...

I can understand what he means by not wanting to see you midweek as he wants to ' be at his best' I am of a similar personality to your DP in that I only see friends and acquaintances when I'm firing on all cylinders.... However this does not apply to my dh! He gets the 'real' me,warts and all!

And to me that is a true and deep relationship... It sounds to a certain extent that you are both performing at the moment and trying to give each other what you believe is your best self. (You, because you don't want to lose what you perceive to be a good relationship)

However this kind of relationship lacks the longevity of one in which you get to show all sides of yourself..tired,stressed,happy,sick...

excitedbutscared I wouldnt dream of suggesting you end the relationship. What I said is, this set up isn't for you and if it were, you'd be relaxed about seeing your man just at the weekends

I think if a person only has time to see you weekends you've already started off as too busy for each other and thats why so very early in the relationship you are questioning it.

To be honest (& Im not just talking about your post here) I see far too many threads where women don't seem to require much from a man at all just because its dating stage. Yet dating is where the passion kicks in..that excitement of seeing a person, hearing their voice, wanting to be with them..the 'butterflies' stage. Then again you have to have and put in the time and all that becomes standard if the 2 of you are right together.

None of that is to say you should be thinking of leaving your man..its just a case of seeing things for what they are. Because if a man really wants you he will make a very good effort. If he's just 'ok with you being there then he'll deal with you on a part-time basis. Again, nothing wrong with that if its what you want and find acceptable. After all its not as if you live that far apart nor are you asking to see him daily or twice weekly etc

I think he sounds as if he really cares for you but has got a lot on his plate. Haven't seen how old his dc are but between you there are a lot of commitments and if he sees you pretty much all of every weekend and calls you every day, I think he's prioritising you as much as he is able to at the moment.

Your dc are getting towards independence, would you, at some stage, consider moving to his area? Maybe he to yours? 30-40 miles is quite a long way IMO for a weeknight drive after work then a really early start before work. Unless it was a very special occasion I don't think it's unreasonable to find it too much. Is his job very full on?

Maybe at some point over Christmas or on holiday when you are both relaxed mention again that you would like to spend more time together. Even if it's not possible right now he might well be thinking of a future together. A year isn't so long so I wouldn't want to seem too needy. He is in to you, never fear!

And what's with all the bike comments??!! He offered to store it for her and showed concern for her safety. That's not controlling, it's concern fgs.

KatelynB He is very good friends with her. They don't see each other an awful lot but he has mentioned a few times that they text regularly - nearly every day. I have also been with him, with her, and he seems to be more all over me in front of here which I'm not sure is to reassure me, or to make her jealous!

I think you're probably right regarding me wanting more commitment than him but I don't know if I'm just trying to move too quickly and whether it's actually normal to go at the pace he is. If so, it's worth the wait and don't want to ruin it. I guess I need to know that there is a more committed future ahead and that it won't always be like this.

Thanks Matildathecat We are both very busy people but I would move hell on earth to see him. I'm not sure he's quite so frantic as me! I have thought about how we could live together in future. I wouldn't mind moving to his area but I know my DC's wouldn't want to, so that would be a difficult choice and I'd probably have to pay for two homes! It would be harder for him to move to me because his work and his DC is 30 miles or so the other side of me, meaning the journey would be double for him. Tricky one!

Yes, perhaps I'll muster the courage to bring it all up, perhaps when we're on holiday. Although I don't want him to feel I'm putting pressure on him and make the holiday awkward.

KatelynB, re the motorbike, it's very common for non-experienced or 'fair-weather' riders to garage their bike up during the winter. It's not particularly pleasant riding in the wet, ice and cold. A lot of people just get their bikes out in the summer

I dunno OP, you've been together nearly a year. He seems happiest with a semi-detached weekend-only relationship. If that works for you long term that's fine, it would suit some women very well, but I don't think your unease is necessarily because of past bad experiences, I think any woman would question his commitment in your situation.

From the logisitics it sounds like if you ever were to live together you'd be the one who'd have to move and uproot your kids.

I agree with Katelyn I read it the same way, that he was trying to wind his ex up.