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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont love dp...what do I do???

15 replies

lorna3586 · 09/10/2006 11:53

I really need some advise. Im 20 years old, I have a 1year old son and I live with my parnter. I got pregnant3months into our relationship. Our son wasnt planned but im very glad I had him. Hes the best thing thats ever happend to me. Because Id only been with my dp for 3months,having my ds has put a massive strain on our relationship. Im really unhappy with him, i love him as the father of my son and as a friend, he's a great bloke, he's a really really good dad and he's very supportive of me and he loves me alot. My son and I are his world. But im not in love with him at all, i wince if he trys to kiss me. I cant live like this anymore,pretending everythings ok when its not. I really dont know what to do. Im scared to be on my own, and I enjoy bringing ds up with him and sharing his first steps and things with him, but as a friend not a partner. I really need some good advise....please help me.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 12:11

Honey, its a hard one, you sound torn, you need and want the security and the support of a lovely friend and father of your ds, but ultimately he isn't making you feel fulfilled.

As he has done nothing really wrong, you probably owe it to him to be 100% honest with him. If you can then you will keep him as a friend and father and be able to conduct the relationship, going forward, on the best possible terms and secure a solid family unit for your ds even though, eventually, you may not all stay under the one roof.

It may come as a bolt from the blue to him so you would need to be gentle. It sounds however like this will crush him so I expect he will have some of his own stuff to say.

If you don't talk to him about it then it can only get worse, he will start to irritate you with the smallest of things and ultimately you could fall out on really bad terms. It needn't get to that. He will be hurt but you can have separate lives, new relationships and stay as a family. It just needs to be done delicately and with great compassion.

Try not to be hard on yourself about it, you knew each other for such a short time that, had you not had your ds, you each may have grown apart and let the relationship flicker out a long time ago. You sound like you both love your ds madly and thats fantastic. Be honest with him, you'd pobably want him to be. HTH.

frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 12:25

bumping for you

lazymummy · 09/10/2006 13:27

Oh dear, I remember being in the same position with an ex-partner. He was a lovely guy but I didn't love him and had lost any physical attraction to him. Everytime he touched me it felt so wrong. I knew, as you know, that the relationship couldn't continue under such circumstances. One day I just plucked up the courage and explained exactly how I felt as gently as I could. He was angry for a while and sad and it was hard to do see him go through those emotions knowing that I had caused them.

We didn't have children together so I can only imagine how I would have dealt with the situation had a child been involved. I imagine I would have done exactly the same thing.

I hope you come to a resolution and that you can stay strong for yourself and your little one.

Good luck.

frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 14:01

nother bump....

Original poster
lorna3586 · 09/10/2006 16:18

I know your right, i need to tell him for my own sanity and proberbly for his, will it be really hard for him to ever come to terms with it and move on if were still living together? I want us to stay under one roof at least for a while but I dont know whether im being realistic. It could just become really messed up. Im just going to have to stay really strong its going to be so hard but in a way I cant wait untill its off my chest.

OP posts:
thelittlestboho · 09/10/2006 16:32

Lorna, same thing happened to me years ago, when I was your age. It was awful to have to break up his family, but at end of the day he deserved better. At the time, I explained/felt that if we split, then in time we'd be closer, (but on a different level) and if we stayed together I 'd end up resenting him and I'd have hated that for both of us. Hearting his heart was terrible, but true to form, he never held it against me. Now 17yrs on, we're as close as I'd predicted. He's a great father and a beautiful human being, who I consider family.His father was a wonderful man too, who up until his death last year visited us every week, without fail. My current partner and him are close too, and last year when he was going through a lot of crap, he moved in with us for a spell. I often visit him in the city and stay overnight if i need to.

So the moral of the story is, you can't help how you're feeling but with a bit of humility and a LOT of respect you can both move on.

Be brave.
TLB.x

Original poster
lorna3586 · 09/10/2006 17:05

You dont know how good it feels to know that someone else has been through the same thing. Your all really good with words by the way each posts made me feel alot more positive about this, im so glad I started this thread. I think im going to speak to him about it Tonight once ds is in bed. How shall I even begin to tell him? Im going to need to be very gentle....???

OP posts:
frenchconnection · 09/10/2006 18:50

i went through the same thing when i was 20 and my dd was 1 ! in the end i left him and moved back down south - 200miles away, and he didnt take it well. demanded dna tests for our dd and made my life hell!
And now i am goin through it a 2nd time, but this time we have a ds as well and we're married! Scared of being on my own but its never going to work for me!! the first partner i left..i felt such relief after it..

Original poster
lorna3586 · 09/10/2006 19:49

Ive done it....He didnt get angry and he didnt cry. I could see he wanted to but he's bottleing it all up. Im worried about him. Weve decided to stay living together and raise our son together for now. Hes gone out to his friends house now. I told him to speak to his friends about it as I think it will help him to talk about it but he doesnt want his friends to know yet. I feel really upset but relieved too. Hes being very calm about the whole thing, im worried its the calm before the storm. Thanks for being here for me everyone its really helped. It feels really strange almost like it hasnt really happend.

OP posts:
Original poster
lorna3586 · 09/10/2006 20:11

bump

OP posts:
lazymummy · 09/10/2006 20:33

Good on you for being so honest and so brave. You may be right about the calm before the storm and when/if he does get angry you will have to weather it out. Try not to get too defensive if he attacks you just remind him that you think he is a good father and a good, supportive person and that you want to work with him to raise your son - although do you plan for him to move out. From your post it sounds like you might be thinking about continuing to live together. Is that so? Because I'm not sure that living together as single people is always a good idea. It may seem like a good one at the moment because the alternative, being alone, is daunting.
Anyway, you did the right thing by telling him and I wish you both luck for the future. xx

lazymummy · 09/10/2006 20:33

Good on you for being so honest and so brave. You may be right about the calm before the storm and when/if he does get angry you will have to weather it out. Try not to get too defensive if he attacks you just remind him that you think he is a good father and a good, supportive person and that you want to work with him to raise your son - although do you plan for him to move out. From your post it sounds like you might be thinking about continuing to live together. Is that so? Because I'm not sure that living together as single people is always a good idea. It may seem like a good one at the moment because the alternative, being alone, is daunting.
Anyway, you did the right thing by telling him and I wish you both luck for the future. xx

Original poster
lorna3586 · 09/10/2006 20:44

Yes at the moment were going to stay living together but I think your right it will get harder but at the moment i think its the only way. Tbh not much will change really, we last had sex months ago i show him no affection so it hasnt come as a complete shock to him. Its just such a shame this has happend but i cant help how i feel or dont feel.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 10/10/2006 20:57

Sweetheart that was a hard thing you did and well done for managing it. Does it feel like a weight lifted? I though bohos post was great and shows a great forward scenario. I hope it can be something along those lines for you and him too xxx.

BIGlilBUBU · 10/10/2006 22:40

Thanks, Yes its such a weight off my shoulders.
It feels very strange. He hasnt been around much. He was working all day today, came home, we made dinner he ate had a bath then off out with his friend. I think he finds it awkward to be around me. Hes not being nasty or anything, weve still managed to have a laugh together when ds was stamping his legs and waving his arms around (he gets very hyper just before bedtime).
It was nice to hear that someones been through the same thing as me and is happy. Its very reassuring.

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