At the crossroads...

[wundawoman]

DH has had anger issues, is very negative and seems generally unhappy much of the time. We have been married 20+ years.

I have told dh yesterday that I am not happy with our marriage and asked him if he was happy. He said he was and had no issues, did not want to separate. But he is very stressed with work etc. which has been the case as long as I've known him.

I asked if he would go to marriage counselling and he said he would - I feel that we do not communicate very well with each other especially on important matters and about anything emotional. I am astounded that he thinks everything is fine when I feel such disharmony in our relationship. Where do you start the discussion when you both can't even agree if there is a problem??

Has anyone had success with marriage counselling in a similar situation?

If he doesn't think there's a problem, the only way that can be true is if he's quite happy with the status quo. Which means a lot of the anger and unhappiness etc is done for effect rather than reflecting his feelings. What that effect might be I can only speculate but it's pretty common for people to do the 'bear with a sore head' routine in order to maintain control over others. Do you feel responsible for cheering him up, for example? Do you consciously try to avoid making his bad moods worse? Are there subjects you don't talk about? Do people 'tread on eggshells' around him?

If any of the above rings true, couples counselling may be a very bad idea.

Thanks Cog. I used to try and 'cheer him up' and avoid certain situations that would aggravate him - not any longer though. I stand my ground and say what I think now. I guess I feel counseling is a final attempt to try and work things through...

Is it just habit, being grumpy and miserable.
Have you told him he must start being kinder and laughing occasionally as his present behavior is depressing you and you can't live with it long term.

Can he change. If he can't change himself can a counsellor do it?

For counselling to be effective, everyone involved has to a) accept there is a problem and b) be willing to learn, adjusting their behaviour or attitude if necessary. Neither sound applicable to him. You might want to consider personal counselling. See why you tolerate the behaviour in the first place.

We attended our first counseling session today which I felt went very well.

DH acknowledged that he had been neglectful of the relationship, not taken enough responsibility at home, been stressed and moody at home.

He also acknowledged that he knows I've had enough of the situation and that I will leave if things don't improve.

He told the counsellor that he is attending the sessions to make changes and make our marriage work...

At least he's trying. Have you had enough of him or do you think it could work? Sounds like you're doing all the right things and taking control. Can you wait to see if he will change?

I am willing to see if things will change for the better, I think. At least he is aware of the issues and wants to improve things.

But part of me wonders if we are just not compatible (or not on the same wavelength)....and I really just need a break...