Hello everyone. This is an unusual post because I am not a mother (and wont be for a long time lol), but I want some perspective from mothers so I know how I can talk to my own mum. Im not sure if this is the right forum (I found it whilst looking for advice) , but everybody seems nice, please be patient because I am crying whilst I write this, its the first time I have ever told anybody even if it is to strangers.
I'm 18 years old and I just started university. As you can tell from the title I was molested when I was younger. It is my earliest memory, being around six years old, and it stopped when I was 11 or 12. It was quite intense and how can I say it...very agressive and violent ? in that I wasn't just molested but raped over a period of those years, I would say no less than 15 times and molested countless other times, whenever he had a chance. I would rather not get into detail but it was quite painful. When I was younger he made it seem like a normal thing and would always buy me something when he had finished, and then when I got a little older he would say things like my parents would be angry if they found out. What makes this even more difficult is that it was my mums brother who did this to me.
Over the years I have supressed it, and tried to forget about it, for a while I managed to block it out, and although it has been a struggle at times I have got on with my life and I promised myself that I would not tell anybody,ever. A few days after I started university my uncle died in a car accident and my parents were quite upset about it. I hoped that it would give me some closure, but it just brought everything back up and I can barely concentrate on studying at all. I feel very angry with myself that he got to die free and I never got to confront him, I had seen him after the abuse stopped a lot of times because he lived just a block away and he and my mum are similar ages and were close, he just acted like it had never happened, I even questioned it myself but of course you don't forget things like that. When my mum texted me to say that he died I just cried for hours. I managed to get out of the funeral, by saying I had an exam at uni. I did not realise how much it was affecting me. It feels like I am carrying it around with me, and it is difficult to do anything at all. I have always been withdrawn and anxious but I never linked what he did to me with how I was, I think my mum and dad just assumed I was shy as I had a small friendship group and good grades. Now he has died it seems like this has given me a new look at the situation. I went on facebook and my cousin (on my dads side) posted a photo of her and me when we were eight I just cried and cried because that was at the time when the abuse was at its very worst.
I have tried to tell my mum about four years ago but I just backed out. I really don't want to upset her, she is great mother in that she is always there for me but we have never really had a close bond that she has with my brother, I think it might be because it is difficult for me to have close relationships with anybody because of what has happened. My Dad has a little bit of a temper but has also always been there for me, and I am not sure that I would be comfortable with him knowing but I would assume my mum would tell him. He has also had some health problems. I am not sure what the extent of them is (I heard mum & dad discussing it a few years back) but they were before I was born, I think he had a breakdown from a stressful job but was eventually able to go back to work, Im worried that if he finds out then he may get ill again.
I am not sure I want anybody to know but I can't keep it inside any longer. I am pretty sure that my mum would believe me but is there anything to be gained from it now that he is dead? I really don't want to upset her - this is her brother!!, or have her look at me differently. I don't think I am strong enough to deal with everybody knowing, also he has a wife, I don't want to upset her either. There is so much damage that this could cause if I tell and I don't think I could deal with it if she didn''t believe me.
What I am asking is that would you want your daughter to tell you even after all of this time,how would you feel? I don't know how to approach this.
Sorry I didn't realise this was so long. Thanks for listening.