What to do about totally different parenting styles

[PenelopeChipShop]

I'm not even sure if that is the whole problem, am struggling to articulate it. But DH and I rarely agree on anything these days it seems!

DS is now nearly 2.5 years old and we're entering tantrum territory. DH works long hours and is rarely home but when he is and DS plays up he'll either shout or say to ignore him, whereas I try to acknowledge his feelings and wait it out. He still wakes at night and DH doesn't hear him (!) but his advice is to let him cry whereas I go in if he's upset (I do wait a little bit to see if he'll resettle but he's in the habit of waking for good from about 4am if not settled quickly so it has to be done or the day is ruined!!)

We also seem to have very different energy levels when it comes to playing with DS... I do lots of games with his toys, silly messing about stuff, reading, drawing... If DH and DS are left alone in the house I will ALWAYS find the TV on, it's as if he wants to avoid actually interacting with him. I know playing with a toddler can be pretty boring, it's not like I actually love playing thomas the tank for hours but it's important.

I just feel that he is not the hands on dad he said he would be, and to be fair I have morphed from his equal professional partner into a probably nagging and critical wife and I hate myself for that, but I just think he should make a lot more effort with DS.

This isn't even about doing stuff around the house - he does barely anything but I can live with that, but not making much effort with his son will have repercussions I think. When I mention this to him he says I over analyse the importance of everything and it's not a big deal.

I'm starting to feel resentful of spat everything he does, when I find him sitting on the iPad ignoring DS I feel so angry but it's either bottle it up or make yet another nagging comment. How do I get past this? I know it's wrong of me to feel so critical but sometimes I just feel this isn't the family life I thoyght we'd have.

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I think there's a huge difference between being laid back and being switched off

This is the crux of the matter.

I think you need to try to get through to him the difference between perfectionist parenting, which he's accusing you of wanting, and basic bare minimum parenting which is what you're actually after.

You're not asking him for organic purees and flash cards, simply normal fatherly responsibility and interaction.

He's basically tuning out of family life completely and you're parenting on your own.

Listed hits the nail on the head. There is a world of difference between 'laid back' and 'switched off'. I also speak from bitter experience. My ex was also like this. I could have written the OP word for word. It went on for years. I pointed out that I wanted someone to parent with but it all fell on deaf ears. Everything including the house fell to me despite also working 20-30hrs a week. He got more and more miserable and became verbally and emotionally abusive. I kicked him out and remains a non parent (horrified babysitter) who doesn't bother himself with his kids actual lives: parents evenings, school concerts, nothing. It's difficult all round: he maintains he is simply the victim of my decision to kick him out. He thinks he is a good dad. He has no idea.

• glorified babysitter

Handywoman did you marry my ex too?

He also thinks he's a good dad. He's also a glorified babysitter with no interest outside "his" hours.

He also had no idea.

I pity these men to be honest. They have no comprehension of what they're missing out on.

How can anyone who works so many hrs possibly be expected to do the same around the house as the parent who is at home..
My wife works long hrs, I have no expectation of her to come thru the door and start whizzing around the house with the vac or help out, we bath the kids together sometimes and she'll read the 3 yr old a story...
People need realistic expectations of what is really achievable and these need to be managed by communication and working together and accepting our own role within the relationship.

Another point, why do some parents feel the need to be constantly fussing over their children especially toddlers, why can you just not let them play, fall over, cry, tantrum without constant molly coddling, it's ok to let them play on their own and use their imagination... SIL does this and it drives us up the wall watching her, leave the poor blighter alone, she criticizes her husband aswell .. Bloody perfect parent syndrome..

You have both gone to extreme ends of the spectrum!

No need to play non stop with a toddler, a bit of benign neglect is good for them unless you plan to entertain him non stop for the foreseeable future.

Your h can't develop a way to do things as you are there watching his every move

Granted your DH sounds lazy

But you sound overly involved

Tricky

we bathe the kids together

and therein lies the problem frank. The OP and her DH don't do it "together". The OP does everything alone, and that's not a partnership.

She doesn't expect the husband to do 50%, but a fair share isn't nothing.

My mum was the same as your DH. She worked long hours plus a long commute. I didn't really know her until I was old enough to stay up later as I never got to see much of her.

That's why I wanted to be a SAHM and my DH is in the position my mum was in (by choice).

I never expected him to be the same sort of parent as I am as we are very different people. It did my daughter no harm.

In fact I think it's more of a struggle for children with SAHPs as when they go to school it's very different. They have to adjust to lack or one to one, can be attention seeking as there's not immediate positive reinforcement, need to play without so much direction or involvement from adults, get used to others who aren't so in tune with them so more is expected of them to handle their own emotions etc.

I think having as many adults around them with different styles is beneficial. I tried, I was aiming to be a great parent but my child lacked in these areas because of my attentions.

Btw I'm now a big fan of the Facebook group Sanctimomy, it's an eye opener how easily our supermum aspirations can make us sanctimonious so is very grounding. We are all able to parent differently and our children be fine

As your DH works such long hours I wouldn't expect him to do as much as someone with a 9 - 5 job. However, I would expect him to reply to your DS if your DS attempts to interact with him. I would be really disappointed with my DP if he didn't reply to my DS or join in a game when asked. That would demonstrate, to me, a lack of interest in being an engaged parent. Your DH is also being somewhat dismissive and contemptuous by dismissing all your thoughts about parenting as being over involved.

My DP works long hours but relishes the time he does get with our DS. It's not because he thinks he should be doing things to give me a break, it's because he is enthusiastic about engaging with our DS.

I would have a calm discussion with your DH when your DS is in bed. Talk about how his dismissive attitude is hurtful, and see if you can agree on some shared approaches. So TV on might be ok on a Sat morning but not at other times, both of you should acknowledge and respond to your DS when he talks to you, even if it's just a reply to say "sorry DS, daddy/mummy just needs to finish doing this on the iPad right now, I can play with you in 5 mins". You don't both have to be the active, interactive, jolly and enthusiastic parent all the time, but he does need to meet minimum standards otherwise he will weaken his own relationship with his DS.

That's a really interesting insight, Joysmum. I agree that it's easy to fall into the thinking of 'if I just do things this way, everything will turn out best', but there are many many ways to raise a child.

I slightly disagree with some of the things said earlier about 'home time is not down time'. We all need down time and if you have two people parenting one child, you shouldn't have to be lucky to get some (especially as kids need down time too). That's why I wondered OP whether you might be able to strike a compromise where your DH has some part of the weekend to totally crash but then does more the other parts (obviously with you getting down time as well).

I think you should cut him some slack. He is working 70 hours PW.

He obviously isn't perfect for you in every way but he is in a lot of ways.

By what you have said your sons needs are being met in every single way, by both you and your husband.

You both have strengths and weaknesses. Play to them. When children are young the tiredness can be a nightmare. In a few years you might find your dh is much better at interacting with your son than you are as they take on boy interests together.

It's a shame he hasn't lived up to your expectations.