End it?

[Juliejools89]

Hi all, I'm new here. Feeling a little lost so looking for some advice.
My guy and I met 4 months ago online- we message everyday, talk on the phone weekly and have met up and gone for lovely walks in the park and spent a couple of hours in a hotel being intimate (we haven't slept together yet).
For the last 5 days we've been planning to meet again. He lives with his family still, 2 brothers (mid 20's) so I said I'd be more comfortable staying on my own in a hotel again. I pay for this as it's my choice. I travel 2 hours to visit him.
He texted me on the way down yesterday to tell me his day off with work has been cancelled and he has to work from 3-12. That's fine, my hotel is 2 minutes from his work so we make a plan he will come see me in the morning. We both want to just hold each other and be close, and we've both intimated we want to have sex too.
Meet him at 9 this morning and he tells me on the way to the hotel that his shift is now 10-6. I spent an hour with him (quiet and trying not to cry or get mad) and am hoping he will finish early like he does sometimes so he can come see me some more. To me even 6pm is early enough to stay for a while, and I've asked him to stay over if he'd like, but with no response as yet.

I'm wondering for anybody could give me some advice please- I don't want to end something that I feel could be really good, but I also can't fork out £150 for an hour of his time. I feel so down I've kinda just crawled into bed and pray he will text to say his shift is ending early.

Any advice or anyone been in a similar place?
Thanks.

Have you got loads of spare cash to sit in hotel rooms alone waiting for a man who can't be arsed to "tie it all together" like you did ?

if you are the one with dc, it is harder for you to do that

if he is a single man, it's a piece of piss

i don't believe he is a single man

My young colleague is driving a 500+ mile round trip to see his new flame this weekend as he has done every other weekend since meeting her. This is the sort a young interested man does.

Your bloke doesn't sound very keen I'm afraid. I'd also suspect he's not very single.
Don't waste time chasing this man. It should be a lot easier and much more fun than this.

I think a couple of people on the thread have missed the part where I said the plans changed suddenly. We had it all worked out, he wasn't supposed to be working today and then he got called in. He's just taken on this new job and is loathe to turn down shifts when he's only just started working for them.

I do get what is being said- no I've not been to his house, but I don't deal with new people very well and as he lives with his family going there at this point in time is not an option. That has been my choice.
I'm always suspicious of cheating though, doesn't matter if the relationship is near or far, my past has done that regardless.

quite

Even if you are new in a job, if you knew a special friend had driven two hours and was waiting in a hotel room, you'd turn down the change in shift. Or at least have a damn good try at turning it down.

What people are picking up on is that you seem to be setting the bar very very low indeed, shelling out money and making long journeys, and getting precious little back in return. I'm sorry if you have personal problems, low self esteem or that you think you're unattractive.

I don't think we did miss that bit OP. I think we're coming at this from a neutral position rather than a desperate one. Even if he's under a new employer, he never had to accept a very last minute shift change. He could easily have said "I'm really sorry but my girlfriend has travelled 2 hours to see me so I'm afraid I have plans this time but would very much appreciate the extra shift next time". So, even if he's not married/seeing someone else, he did choose work over you. But the fact that you've not been to his place after 4 months, combined with him only being able to get away to see you for an hour after you've travelled so far, does make it look like he's a family man who's having to make excuses to leave the house so he can see you.

I'm sorry, but that is the impression people are getting from the info you're providing.

Has he been to see you for a weekend before now? At 4 months in, I think most people will have spent more than a few hours together somewhere private.

I happen to be in a well paid job where money isn't an issue. At least that part of my life is straight.
I walked with him after his break back to work. I saw him go in the building with his colleagues all wearing the same uniform. I absolutely believe he has been working today, and isn't finding an excuse to see me behind his families back.
He lives with his elderly mother and his 2 brothers, both of whom I have spoken to, at length, when he used to work in the family pub. Maybe I'm being completely naive or I'm letting my gut feeling overrule my head on this one.
For me I think the telling factor is going to be when 6pm rolls around and he's suddenly not going to come and see me.
I have been out and about today by the way, went sight seeing and made the most of some leftover Black Friday bargains on the high street, so if nothing else is gained from this weekend, at least I have new shoes and have finished my Christmas shopping!

Yep because of cause a pair of shoes makes up for it ! Stop being chirpy and indenial - why if he and this relationship is so brilliant and without cause for concern is your title End It ?

You asked if you should "end it" OP

If all the replies on your thread have done is to make you defend him and your situation, you have wasted your time I am afraid.

I really don't get how people are saying - "he's lying". How can anyone know this for a fact?

OP there is something inside of you questioning this relationship (hence the title), go with your gut.

I knew this was you as soon as I read the first few lines of your OP.

This isn't a relationship, I don't know what this is. I had a boyfriend who I would drive or take the train to see in a town three hours away. When I told him I could come he would be so excited and book days off work so we could be together for longer. He'd get champagne in and remember things I said I liked and make sure he had them in. He'd come and meet me off the train etc. THATS how it should be.

You're making so much effort for so little. He just doesn't care about you and that's the blunt truth of the matter. It probably stings to hear but crikey gather some shreds of dignity and stop putting yourself through this.

Yes is the answer.

If he had the day off and made plans he shouldn't have agreed to another shift. They couldn't force him. Sounds like he is missing a backbone.

if you must know I could afford to do that but at this point I'm not going to.
The sarcastic wedding statement really wasn't necessary- and I wonder why I struggle to talk to people sometimes.. - but as he texted me to say he'd see me for an hour at 8 I'd already hopped on a train home. Because you're all right, it isn't worth it and I'm worth more than that.
So thankyou for all the advice throughout today, rose tinted spectacles are off.

Well done Julie. I'm pretty laid back and undemanding but the way I see it if someone likes you as much as you like them then what you are willing to do to see them and what they can be expected to do to see you should be congruent. You're driving 2 hours (each way, time plus fuel money) plus staying in a hotel. Him? Nada.

Well done Julie. Did you say anything to him after? Seems an utter twat if he lives with his mum but can still only spare an hour for you after work.

Well done.

Well done, Julie

You can do a fuckload better than that, love

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Now let me give you a bit of well meaning advice. Stay away from men for a while and have a look at the baggage reclaim website

but as he texted me to say he'd see me for an hour at 8 I'd already hopped on a train home. Because you're all right, it isn't worth it and I'm worth more than that

Smart lady! you are!
So even after all the last minute shift changes he could only spare you an hour when he'd finished work..........

Chalk it up to experience and enjoy those shoes.

Must add - you aren't alone, it's part of a learning curve when I was very early 20s I actually flew to Sweden to meet up with someone I'd chatted to briefly on a train on the continent. He used to phone me every morning from Sweden which made me believe he was really keen, I liked him and fell for his patter. Truth is he worked for a company that had bases in the UK so phone calls to the UK were 'free' and he was bored in his job so rang to pass the time (This was before the internet) It only took a day or two into my visit to him to realise what a donkey I'd been to fly out there, he certainly wouldn't have made the effort to visit me. Live and learn.

Good decision. Great for your self-esteem. Better luck next time.

I guess you might have found the advice on here quite difficult to hear. None of us likes to be taken for a mug. This guy might well have liked you but he really wasn't interested in you and made no effort whatsoever to be with you and that really isn't acceptable. You have a good job so start looking for a guy who also has a decent job and can treat you well.
Lick your wounds and put it down to experience, life can be a bummer at times.
Hopefully you do now have the strength and will to really end it and not get lured back into the web by a few measly texts. He really isn't into you so please hang onto your dignity now and let go finally.