New partner's female friends reaction to our relationship

[jorainbow45]

I recently started dating a man I met at work - its been a couple of months and I'm taking things slowly having come out of a 5 years relationship 6 months prior to that. He is friends with another work colleague and they do a lot of organising activities together - many people ask if they are a couple but she is married, albeit unhappily, and they both maintained no even before we started dating. I have chatted to him about their relationships recently and he has said he feels it is more one sided but as he only came to the UK 5 years ago and has few friends outside work he has just allowed it to happen. Last week we went for our first weekend away together and were sauntering on the beach when she started calling. And didn't stop. Then the texts started. After he ignored her we enjoyed the rest of the day but I said maybe you need to tell her you have a girlfriend even if not who (don't want to be open at work just yet). He said he had been answering less texts and as had been spending time with me on evenings wasn't available for her as much. Last night we needed to go to buy something specific for work and as I have the credit card I took him. We stopped off at his house first for a cuppa and were just about to leave when he got a call. I said just answer it its no problem so he did. And she ranted at him for 15 mins having driven to his house and finding my car there. My initial reaction was they must be having an affair - this is not normal behaviour - but he said no. He then told me about how since we had begun chatting more at work (pre any dating) she would slag me off on a professional basis, how ugly I am, how I had an affair with a man from my last job whilst I was married (I divorced in 98!) and so couldn't be trusted at work. He stopped at mine last night and woke up to 35 texts and 5 missed calls. Am I being naïve? surely he would admit it now as if she is woman scorned she would just tell me? One of the men at work does now as we went for a drink with him and he said ' Ill keep it quiet especially from 'her name' which I didn't think anything of at the time but is very odd. How do I deal with this? Sorry for lengthy post :(

I'm grateful for all this advice and will take it away with me this weekend - am off on a meditation retreat for a relax!!! Probably a good place to make a decision or two on whether or not this is all TMA!!! Shame there's no alcohol allowed (grin)

whoops {grin}

This isn't about her winning, this is about your professional life not being linked to some bad daytime tv drama plot line.

What your bf needs to do and should have done is blatantly clear, the question is why hasn't he.

I cant answer that for him but I do agree he should have been if not before definitely now - even if its only very early days. It is one question I'm going to be asking when I see him on Sunday evening.

he needs to make it very clear to her that she is out of line.

My dp had a female friend like this. At the time we got together she was in fact in a relationship with someone else, but it became very clear that whenever she spoke to me she would say things along the lines of "well you and dp can obviously not live together because you live so far apart and he can't leave his job," , when she split with her partner I texted her support and as soon as my dp texted her she stopped communicating with me altogether. anyway she sent him a message after we'd not spoken to her for a few weeks along the lines of "I've been waiting for you to care enough to text at least," it was a voice message so he played it to me and honestly she sounded like some kind of jilted lover. He told her in no uncertain terms that he was not obligated to her, and that friendship is not measured on how many text messages you send someone! And that if I'd found that message rather than him having showed it to me it would have looked incredibly incriminating and that as it was they were friends and nothing more and that given her reactions she was scating on thin ice even in the friendship steaks.

She responded that it was unfair of him to share anything with me against her wishes.... There's more but suffice to say she is no longer a friend and has been blocked. But apparently this is a common tactic of her's and she sees nothing wrong with it.

If your dp has nothing with this woman then he needs to set her straight that she has been misreading the signals. and that they are friends and nothing more. If he can't do that then I would start to question his loyalty.