Partners controlling ex

[MotherofA]

Hi there,

This is my first post to Mumsnet as I am fairly new to the site. Firstly I cannot believe I am even writing this however, here goes...

My partner and I recently moved in together after a long time of commitment issues which I believe was mainly down to the control and input he still allows the mother of his children to have.

This is crazy but she is so sly and manipulative that it actually is bothering me and he seems blind to it. She has tried to become bosom buddies with me and I am friendly to keep the peace. However, she is constantly trying to drop him in it with me and still makes requests of him as though they are together. Clearly this is jealousy and a case of not wanting anyone else to have him but as he has children with her and I do not, this does get to me and she is feeding my insecurity in a big way. She put me on the spot and invited me in for a coffee one day only to have a topless photo of him flicking up on a slideshow every few seconds.... Erm lol you have been split two years you bunny boiler? (Obviously I did not say this or actually anything )

HELP me to somehow get her to back off please? Or to stop her getting to me in the very least as we are the love of each others life but sometimes it makes me want to walk away.

It sounds like, now that you have recognised what's going on, you can pull back. For example, you pick up the children at the latest reasonable time before their dad gets home - your free afternoon is your free afternoon, and you are effectively giving his ex a free afternoon by sacrificing yours! If she wants the free time, that's when his parents step in - if they can't, that's her problem not yours. You're free at 4pm (or whatever).
No chat - close down attempts to chat, keep it businesslike, never go into her house (no need for you to, 'that's ok I'll wait in the car' etc).
Hopefully you'll start to feel different quite quickly!

Brill ! Thanks again so much! It's been great to get strangers inputs as family don't seem to listen to me or think I'm being silly .

Well indeed... his contact time is his contact time. I'm not saying you should never pick the kids up ever again or have them for an hour if he's running late or whatever, but regularly picking up his kids when he's not there - feck that. Childfree time is precious! I think you need to work on setting some boundaries. Your time is as important as everyone else's.

I think life is too short to deal with this sort of nonsense from another person. You don't need to be her best friend unless you want to. Take a step back or a good number of steps back. Let your DP deal with his ex. Do you really want years of this. Nobody would. Don't be her best friend as she sounds extremely manipulative.

My sister has only just realised what a mug she has been for putting up with this crap for 30 years! His Sisters enabled the ex and he was happy she was keeping the pressure off him. It is very important that you pull back from this or you will find it harder over time not easier. if he left her for you then no doubt you feel guilty, but these sort of games won't help her either. She needs to move on. Sister has been through hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...run, run, run from this, and insist he supports your decisions or you will be setting yourself up for a lot of grief....Good luck.

If he's not back till 6 then he needs to get them at 6. Your not the babysitter and doing this is contributing to her treatment of you.

Thanks ladies you are right. He just said to me this morning my parents will pick the kids up but will bring them straight to you at 2pm? Hes not back until 6/8? I didn't know what to say . It will be years as the children are young .
All this makes me want to leave him ! That is clearly the desired effect hey x

FFS, if you want to leave him because you're picking his kids up for him when he's not there, then that is HIM coming between you, not HER!!!

If his shifts mean he can't see his kids, two options:

1. Change his work patterns
2. Change his access patterns

Otherwise, he's not a great father, is he?

It's one thing in an established relationship to pick the kids up because it's easier for you than him and he's back shortly after. (though I say established - sounds like you've been running around after him well before moving in, if you've just done that). It's another thing for you to be doing 4-6 hours of childcare.
He needs to sort out actually spending time with his own kids.

Her weirdness doesn't matter. She can't control anything.
You see topless picture of him? You pity her privately for not moving on.
She is over friendly? Just rebuff. Ignore texts that aren't specific arrangements.
If she tells you stuff about him, say "you know what? I don't like you saying negative things about my partner, so don't please "
(I had the do that with BIL's ex, about BIL)
Yes, she's got a reaction. But it's a reaction that STOPS it. If she persists, don't respond to it and possibly smile sweetly one day and say you're sorry she's having trouble moving on.

Just cut the contact.
She sounds difficult, but you sound over sensitive if I'm brutally honest. All this "she has kids with him I don't" stuff.

You know what? I have a child with my ex. There'll always be that link. It's not an emotional link! Just a practical one. It need not threaten any future partner - I wouldn't touch him with a flipping long barge pole, ever. As long as you believe your partner feels the same, why are you worried about her?

Your boyfriend is the problem here. He needs to step up and spend time with his kids.

And yes, he IS treating you like a nanny. So convenient all this for him, isn't it? And you didn't know what to say? How about "no"?

I think you need to ask him why he thinks this is an ok arrangement. He not around, his parents won't have them so you are being volunteered for free childcare.

Why is he doing this? Is it to make him look good? To help out his ex? Or does he not see your time as valuable in it's own right?

I would not be happy to do this in a regular basis.

It isn't ok to TELL you that your looking after his kids from 2pm.

You'll need to talk to him about this and make it clear that he is not to arrange for you to mind the children without discussing it first. You sound like someone who's perhaps too nice and people take advantage of this.

Taking about kids is always a bit emotive but there's a big difference between helping to look after them when they're with their dad , and being used as a free babysitter so his ex can have an afternoon to herself. If your worried about raising it simply put it like that. Your not there to make her life easier or to do her favours. Really he should see your point and apologize for being thoughtless. If he trys to make you responsible or claims it will cause problems between him and ex I would rethink the relationship.

What was the arrangement with the kids before you moved in ? How did this arrangement start ?

Hi guys!

I'm not wanting to split up with him because I collect his kids . Just the whole situation with her and everything puts me off. I don't realistically want to split with him.
As for over sensitive I admit she does make me insecure as I have seen how well she manipulates him. I also have a child with a previous partner and we don't have these problems .
The arrangement before we moved in was his parents picked them up if he was working late . He isn't a bad father he has them every week it's just at this time he has a big contract which involves working weekends late and has around 4 more weeks left . After that he should be collecting most weekends .
I will cut contact with her as much as poss and try to avoid the pick ups . I have told him I will collect them at 4 as that's more of a compromise . X

If he's working late he needs to alter contact times. It's not really fair to put the responsibility onto you or his parents. It's reasonable for him to say to ex , look I'm working till 6 so ill pick them up at x time. There's no point kids coming to see someone who isn't there.

I agree but he's probably worried about her kicking off lol x

Have a look on the step parents board. It's fairly common.

If he has fixed times for access, and the work change is a temporary thing for a fairly short time, I think it's better not to ask to change, and it's fine to rely on parents or girlfriend if you ask them and they don't mind.

If it's a longer term thing, then he needs to ask to change his access.

I did have the impression from your initial posts that this was a permanent situation that he wasn't there.

You need to let it go, your feelings about her. She does sound difficult - bollocks to going on holiday with him!! But the way to deal with that is act like you didn't hear, smile and wave, and laugh about it when you get home. Ditto the topless picture.

Don't engage with her.