I dont even know where to start my life is a mess

[ineedtogetthisout]

NC'd for this, its going to be a long one so apologies in advance.

I am in my 30s and have messed up my life, I can't get close to people, I push them away the minute I start having feelings and I don't know how to change. My life has been mostly shit so far and I want to break the cycle, and stop the self pity but I don't know how to do that either.

When I was a child my mother ran away from my dad (who was abusive I believe) and moved in with my step dad. Within days he was sexually abusing me, my mother turned a blind eye to give my siblings a stable life is what she told me when I confronted her In my 20s, she allowed him to film me in the bath, grope me, climb into my bed, give me intimate medical checks (he was a health professional and used to tell her I needed checks) say very inappropriate things and shower me amongst other things. This was just what she saw, what she didn't see (chose not to) was much worse, and lasted from the ages of about 5 to 13/14. When I confronted her she said she suspected he and I were having an affair but forgave me for my siblings sake. When I told her what happened exactly she said something along the lines of 'get over it, lots of people have it happen'. I went no contact with her at that point.

I had my first child, who'd dad wasn't interested at all, I loved him more than I ever thought possible, he sadly died when he was a few months old. I fell apart and went completely off the rails, got into endless abusive relationships and tried to get pregnant, when I finally did I was over the moon, decided to stay with the dad, we got married and he carried on being abusive, emotionally, financially and sometimes physically, but I could handle it because I didn't really love him. We went on to have more children, I wanted a huge family, my husband was always somehow separate from me and our children, which suited me fine, then I had another child who died from a genetic condition at a very early age and I crumbled again.

Since then I have found it so easy to push people away, if someone says one thing to annoy me I ditch them, I can't get close to people and its a horrible lonely feeling.

My husband and I split last year, we haven't spoken and he hasn't seen our children much at all, things have been difficult with them, my dd is going through a long awaited and hard fought diagnosis for asd, my other child is going through some issues which are thankfully being addressed because i have been kicking up a fuss for months now, and to top it all off I was casually dating someone, accident got pregnant, despite being very careful, and he has decided to walk away, not that I'm bothered about him as such but some support would be nice.

Because I've spent so long pushing everyone away I now have exactly what I thought I wanted, nobody. If I have nobody then I can't get hurt anymore. Only it does hurt, being alone, fighting for my kids alone, supporting them alone.

I don't know how I can let anyone in anymore, I don't even meet people as I work alone at home, have my children and am now pregnant.

I don't know how I got myself in such a mess

I've tried counselling but it wasn't for me, the doctor wanted to give me tablets but I am on my own with my children and don't want to be 'out of it' at any point.

I don't know what I'm asking for, maybe I just needed to vent, but if anyone has a magic wand could they wave it in my direction and fix my life please.

Hi ineed, you have certainly had more to cope with so far in your life than many people have in their entire lives. But don't forget there is an upside, in that the life experience you have gained means you have bucketfuls of knowledge and wisdom resulting.

For those who have had abusive upbringings the boundaries that are intact in others have been trampled all over. That means that when an abusive knob comes along who oversteps your boundaries you barely notice, nevermind think you should get rid. Where others would avoid an abusive person, we tolerate them. In fact, as another poster so brilliantly put it, 'where others see red flags, we only see bunting that says HOME. All is familiar here.'

So where does that leave you now? In need of counselling, from a specialist who is familiar with the effects of abuse. You could also enrol on the Freedom Programme where you could meet others who've been through similar.

And, do you have a decision to make about the pg? Is that an option?

Sorry you're having a tough time as the latest chapter in a tough life. It sounds to me as though you are in desperate need of counselling to help you get from where you are now to what I'm interpreting from your post which is simply a more sociable existence ... a few friends, people who care and can offer you support.... and to believe you are worthy of love. I don't think you want a partner especially.

Doctors and counsellors are a very mixed bag. Sometimes you have to tell your story to more than one counsellor in order to find someone you feel a connection with. Sometimes you have to ask doctors for a second or third opinion.

Hope you find the help you need.

Thanks so much for your replies.

Red flags/bunting is exactly how my marriage was, I had dated a couple of 'nice guys' and felt really uncomfortable with them. As silly as it sounds it was a relief to be in an abusive relationship because I knew how to deal with it.

As far as the pregnancy goes I really don't feel like I have a choice, I can't see myself being able to have a termination, as much as its probably the right thing to do I just don't think I could handle it.

Counselling is really hard to come by here, unless you can afford to go private. Unfortunately I can't right now as I'm already working all hours to pay for counselling for my child, which is likely to be long term, and that's already crippling me financially.

I just don't know how I got everything s wrong and ended up here.

I think it's a mistake to blame yourself. You've been let down and mistreated by a lot of people at formative times of your life and those people should have been doing the complete opposite... protecting you from harm. It's not silly to feel comfortable with familiar behaviour patterns, even when they are so negative. That you recognise that you know how to deal with it means you are very self-aware... that's a positive.

If your response has been to pull in your horns, reject others and build some walls, I think that's totally understandable. I think if you can't summon the energy to fight any more, that would also be understandable. But I think that's what you have to do.

I don't think you got anything wrong, you experienced something terrible at a very young age which then had far-reaching consequences.

I think you really need support and I wonder, if you can't afford therapy, whether you can find a support group in your area, well in fact more than one, you could probably do with a single mother support group, one for people who've been in abusive relationships, and one for survivors of sexual abuse. Support groups are generally free.

Another source of free support and counselling would be something like Codependents Anonymous - not suggesting that you are codependent - but many people go who have difficult relationship patterns they want to sort out.

I also think the Freedom programme is a great idea.

It's not your fault that you are in the position you are in now. It has been a series of things that were wrong/went wrong that has led you to this point.

However now you have to deal with the present as it is. Your children are a really worthwhile focus and reason to look forward. They need you and love you. Be the best parent you can and take pride and pleasure in them thriving. That will do you a lot of good.

Look after yourself and be good to yourself. Find some nice things to do in the day even if it's only to stop have a cuppa and take time to think about some good things you've done for yourself and your DC.

OP, you have not messed anything up, nor 'got yourself' into a mess. You've been dealt a horribly difficult hand in life. You seem to have realised that you'll need some help to manage the fall out of the things that have happened to you, and other posters will have (and have already) offered more useful practical suggestions as to where to start looking for that than I am able to. The pushing people away is a flawed coping mechanism that you've been forced into developing to cope with some horrible circumstances that were beyond your control. It will take some time to fix that, but please be kind to yourself. You've had a rough time, and it's not your doing.

Hi OP, you were dealt a terrible hand as a child, none of this was your fault and your mother failed you dismally in the most evil way. Its no wonder you don't want to let people get close to you as you have been used and abused for most of your life. That said, you clearly have a loving relationship with your children so it is possible for you build relationships. I know from personal experience than when you are failed and abused as a child by your parents you build a wall around yourself like an amour, and can become incredibly self reliant and its very hard to trust someone or let someone in. You do have the ability to do this, but you will need help and support to move forward as breaking the cycle is very hard but it is so wonderful when you can. I was very much like you in my younger years and met a fantastic man who turned out to be the only person in my life who has ever had my back and never ever let me down. You have my admiration for getting to where you are now and good luck moving forward. I am sure my post isn't very practical or helpful but I couldn't read and run