Motherly advice - break up

[Benson94]

I'm posting on here as a 20 year old male who feels he has nobody else to talk to currently. I'm away at university and 2 weeks ago decided to break up with my 3 year girlfriend as I felt I wasn't putting 100% in and I was tempted by others and just didn't feel commited, I couldn't see it lasting as it was a long distance relationship after I moved to begin university, so the week after I went on abit of a bender out every night drinking to take my mind off it now this week I'm distraught, I'm extremely ill through stress and cannot stop thinking about her.
She won't talk to me has deleted me on everything and threatened to block my number, her feelings have dramatically changed and she says she is happy now.
I'm quite alone at university and I'm becoming extremely homesick but can't go home for another 2 weeks.
I'm just wondering does anybody have any advice to help me get over this relationship get back up on my feet and accept it's over!

Keep busy and knuckle down & study hard.

Why did you end the relationship.

You probably feel like this because she has made it clear she's happy without you. It's a fairly normal human trait to want what you can't hve. Just remember how you felt when you were together eg why you ended it, and make sure you delete all her numbers and don't get in touch.

The fact that she's threatening to block you sounds like you're contacting her a lot - don't do that, it's harrassment if she has said she doesn't want to hear from you.

You didn't feel committed to her. Hold on to that. Of course you're going to feel in free fall a bit - 3 years is a big chunk of your life so far. Be gentle with yourself - don't go on massive benders (alcohol is a depressant), don't have loads of one night stands (all you'll get is an STD and a reputation for being a shagger and I suspect when the dust has settled you'll want another steady girlfriend). Just keep on going, concentrate on your studies, do go clubbing but don't drink yourself stupid, and maybe do sport (running?) to lift your mood. It's a big thing, good luck xx

You ended the relationship for valid reasons. It's extremely common for this to happen as you probably know. Now you are having a bad case of 'OMG have a made a huge mistake?' Well the answer is probably, no, but there is no know cure for getting over heartbreak. It's completely normal to be very upset at the end of a relationship even if you did instigate the break.

Take one day at a time, enjoy the end of term festivities as much as possible and remind yourself, this time will pass.

Have you got a real mum or someone close you can confide in? A text every day or two checking how you are and sending love would be comforting. If you don't explain how low you feel a lot of people would assume that you are fine since it was your decision.

Take care. It gets better. Every single person on here has had a broken heart and we are mostly ok.

Thanks for the advice at the minute I just find myself alone a lot of the time and it makes me want her a lot more than I used to! It feels like the whole not knowing what you had till it's gone

You have to leave her alone or you're adding insult to injury and if she's moving on with her life then you need to let her.
You'll feel better immediately if you don't have threats to block you.

It's doubly hard if you're feeling homesick and alone, but remember you're in a good place for filling your time and concentrating on the reasons why you're at Uni.

As someone else already said, you didn't feel committed to the relationship with her and it was your choice to end it. Despite that you have to allow a period of mourning and be gentle with yourself. Three years when you're 20 is a very big proportion of your life. Three years is a long enough relationship to mourn at any age to be fair.

I second getting yourself out and about in your free time and not drinking too heavily. You're not far off being able to go home for a bit of family TLC, the time will go quicker than you think right now.

One thing that hurts is because I feel she's over me already and she's happy I don't understand how she can be like that so quickly and it makes me doubt if it was all actually real I kind of thought she would always be there and we could maybe be back together and she said that also but I feel like her friends and family have made her forget her feelings

i would imagine that she's keeping you at arms length as that's easier for her.

I was never able to stay in contact/be friends with exes at that age, & certainly not after two weeks.

She's got friends & family to help her take her mind off things also.

No-one likes being someone's fall-back.... That's the lesson to take from this. You took her for granted, thought you could trade up to something better, it's blown up in your face, c'est la vie and be more careful how you treat people's hearts in the future..... Lecture over.

You only got back in touch because you're lonely and lonely is easily fixed on a university campus. Join clubs, talk to others on your course, get yourself out of the room and away from the computer screen, take a Saturday job, do some sport.... anything that means you are with people rather than on your own. It's going to take a concerted effort if you're used to having a girlfriend for company, but you may look back on this as a good thing in time.

So you wanted to dump her so you could have fun with others but then get back together when you'd had the fun?

I don't think it was ever going to work like that, and it would be pretty unfair on her. She may be hiding her feelings or she may genuinely have realised she's happier this way. Neither way you need to stop contacting her and start making efforts to socialise at uni.

You'd be alone even if you were still a couple, wouldn't you? Lots of people find it hard being away at university with or without a girlfriend. Are you sure it's that relationship you're missing, or just having familiar faces around?

She says she's super-happy without you; you dumped her and she wants it to look like she doesn't care. Seems to be working! If you don't contact her, you won't hear that sort of thing.

Leave off the booze aas it's making you ill.

"I don't understand how she can be like that so quickly and it makes me doubt if it was all actually real...."

What you're describing is pride and self-respect. She's almost certainly upset about you dumping her but she's got the good sense and strength of character not to let it show. Take a leaf out of her book perhaps?

I've been there, at a similar age. I remember knowing it wasn't right and dumping him and him being so hurt. And I remember sobbing myself to sleep because I missed him so much. But I was right - it wasn't right, and I was too young to be in such a serious relationship (not saying everyone that age is too young, but I wasn't ready for it) and I had done the right thing. It was just painful.

It may also be the case that it's the right thing for her. Lots of people cling to their pre-university relationships for a while, then the distance thing does mean they come to an end and in a way that makes sense.

Do leave her alone because it's important that you don't become harassing and controlling about it. Respect her wishes. Maybe one day you'll get back together, who knows. But you won't if you have been difficult about this and made her life a misery. Go and meet other people, get involved in new things, concentrate on your studies, do some volunteering (I did at university, at a homeless shelter and it was really good for me), write a diary about your feelings, and/or possibly contact counselling services if you feel overwhelmed.

And lastly well done for looking for a place where you can talk about it and asking advice.

I agree, Benson, posting here will give you years of experience and collected viewpoints.

From what you said last I had a wry smile because to be blunt it sounds like you wanted your cake and to eat it too

It comes across like you wanted to dump her and spread your wings, but yet you want to know she's at home gazing at your photo while a silent tear slides gently down her cheek.

You're in a learning curve, embrace it.

if you are ill with the stress of it you may want to talk to your tutor as it will be impacting upon your studies.

Talk to your tutor and student services, try to access some counselling.

Stop pestering the girl. Your reasons for breaking up were sound. Get well first, build up a social life of some kind and see what turns up.

Stop drinking, you'll only make a prat of yourself and live with hangovers. Not nice. Keep clean and tidy and do your work. Take regular exercise.

Your gp can help with the counselling, too. I hope you are registered with a gp at university? It can be helpful in an emergency. Have some health checks. Spring clean your room.

As you can tell, I genuinely am a mother. Probably a little older than your own....

If I was your mother (and you are really a 20 yo student) I would say you should have been more careful about what you wished for.

< hums A Little Time, The Beautiful South >

Is this another song-based thread, then? I don't know where people get the time.

Eh, it's hard when we get what we wish for sometimes.

If you break up with someone, you perhaps expect to be the one moving on faster, but it ain't always the case. It doesn't mean they weren't truthful about their feelings, just that they're more resilient or better at concealing it from you. I mean, who wants to be the bunny-boiler or sobbing ex?

Don't be a dog in the manger, you didn't want the relationship, so - to an extent- suck it up, buttercup.

Maybe you expected finding a new partner to be easy and are having doubts, but you wouldn't have given it up as easily if it were 'perfect' for you. You're young - get out there, have fun.

Definitely have a chat with someone in student wellbeing/counselling - you will probably prefer that they are separate from yr course - but if it impacting on yr studies eg re working on/handing in assessments you must tell someone in yr course team [eg personal tutor or course leader] & if necessary apply for 'mitigating circumstances' - course admin will be able to explain the process to you.
Btw - I commend you for breaking up before getting together with someone else & sorry you are feeling bad.