Female perspective please

[intlmanofmystery]

Dear all

Upfront, I am new to this so don't know all the acronyms etc so please be patient. Dad of two (one of each) who separated from their mother almost 2 years ago. But seem to have got absolutely nowhere with respect to finances, children etc despite 2 Court appearances and massive legal bills. I am just after a sense check (I guess you might say AIBU?) as to whether this is normal or whether I need to manage my expectations.

Separation was mutual (it hadn't been good for a while) and we agreed timescales for legal paperwork, dealing with finances in the interim, continued interaction with the children. However within 3 weeks of me moving out (why, oh why did I do this?), bank accounts were emptied and closed, access to the children was severely curtailed and divorce petition filed. It has gone downhill since. My ex has refused to engage in mediation (tried twice), spent all our life savings (cars, holidays, clothes etc), constantly demands more and more money despite having a good income herself and denies me reasonable access to my children as well as slagging me off to anyone who'll listen regardless of whether there is any truth involved. Two different High Court judges have given clear advice and direction which she just ignores. I have continued to pay for everything (school fees (sorry if you don't agree with this), interim maintenance above and beyond) but it is never enough. I have essentially given her the house plus over half my monthly income but she wants more. I don't know what else to do?

Have I just been unlucky and been with someone who has turned overnight from being relatively reasonable to being vindictive and nasty (and greedy)? Or is this common behaviour in such circumstances? We have a final hearing for the finances next Spring (with a different judge) and I have a separate application for the children ready to go as no progress with her on this front either (saying goodbye to several £000 more for the privilege of both). Can anyone shed any light on this? Thanks in advance.

Sorry not a multi-millionaire (yet) but with aspirations to get there one day...

OP, you sound like a very money-orientated person, so I would imagine that your ex- is also like that.

If you value yourself in terms of the money in your pocket, you invoke that perception in other people.

I took the op's comment about being a millionaire as flippent - don't we all have aspirations to have more money?
But as usual the double standards on here are astounding - I imagine that not all the dh's that are painted as utter bastards on here are completely at fault and that many of the relationship breakdowns here have two sides, yet we take the woman's version as gospel, but when it's a man doing the posting we still take the woman's side.... wtf?

GreekGoddess, its not his role to psychoanalyse his wife, no, I dont think anyone ever said it was. I doubt he is a psychoanalyst, or he wouldnt be here asking for a feminine perspective.. yes, he asked!

I'm just going to post some of OP's opening post

Have I just been unlucky and been with someone who has turned overnight from being relatively reasonable to being vindictive and nasty (and greedy)? Or is this common behaviour in such circumstances? ... Can anyone shed any light on this?

Is this OP asking for help with his understanding, or not?

I read it as he is asking for some understanding as to why his wife seems incomprehensible to him. My suggestion is she is angry and you would do well to listen to her. Quite radical and far out of me, I guess.

I took the op's comment about being a millionaire as flippent

Well, maybe I misunderstood, but there is very little information really, I am not criticising, just throwing out ideas.

I agree with the posters crying 'double standards' here. If a woman posted and said the STBXH was being difficult, withholding access to the children, and was generally angry, then anyone who said 'have you tried talking to him to understand why he's angry' would be shouted down by an angry mob.

Separation usually causes anxiety and anger. Some couples manage to get past that or don't experience it, most don't. Whether it was a mutual decision or one party's fault, still people get angry at their ex. And generally they don't feel like sitting down and talking it through with their ex over tea and hob-nobs.

OP I haven't got much advice apart from keep verbal communication to a minimum and communicate mostly through email as you may need to be able to demonstrate her hostility to a solicitor again. Howcome she's ignoring the judge's opinions? Isn't that grounds for contempt of court?

Sometimes you have to stop trying to do right by her and do what's right by the kids instead - and not assume those are the same things anymore. You've got my sympathy though.

Op oddly I have ben where you are (with the difference of having had the children with me at the time) .

Eventually she won residential rights via magistrates where i had always won via judges. So some basic facts.

1. You will lose (except that) and even if you win you will lose (it will be every other week etc).
2. When emotions are involved, there is no logic. There is no why, the best you can hope for is a cessation in hostilities, ling enough to get more contact with the children.
3. Move on. You're being pulled into her bubble of hate. Justified or otherwise. This is only about the children. smile be a great dad when you have them and with time the other stuff will die away.
4. Stop fighting stupid. Throwing lawyers at her or the situation seems like a great idea at this moment. but you've also got to win hearts and minds here. She has the cards- do you want to win and have a court order but face the usual games, and all the other mind games forever?

Whilst you fight in court please do some ground work family friends win them over.

1. You will spend or lose a lot of your money (and come close to breaking point). Yep bashing against a wall will do that. Stick to a good lawyer who will use human rights act section 3, your right to be a parent and interact with your children. Use this early short circuit the system and make the courts have to act.

1. Things will never be the same again , so accept things will be different, and find a way to make different work for everyone - especially the children.

Folks, thanks again for your advice and thoughts. Apologies if my early flippant comments provoked a reaction, but I believe we should all aspire to be better than we are (regardless of how you measure it). To close a few loops, yes we tried several times to sit down and talk it through - weekends away without kids, Relate sessions, mediators etc but the conclusion was that I could never make her happy in the way she wanted and vice versa. Not without me becoming a complete doormat or being more like her father. I am not a psychoanalyst but read what I could to try to get a better understanding. Our discussions made it pretty clear that she was not prepared to change to make the marriage work. I felt that I had bent over backwards far enough, could do no more and was no longer being true to myself. So here we are; very sad but it is what it is.

I accept that things will never be the same and life will forever be different however the children are my number 1 priority and always will be. I am told that she wants to put this behind her and move on which is why I have struggled to understand why it has taken so long and been so difficult.

I thought long and hard before posting on MN having seen the bile, vitriol and general anti-male "all men are bastards" sentiment so often coursing through these discussions. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it is not always someones "fault". However I am gladdened by the rational and helpful responses that I have seen, some of your comments have been very insightful and your advice can be directly implemented (I hope you know who you are). And to hear a male voice on here as well, wow! Thank you.

Great post ofmice