Relationship going well, but love?

[theotherjefflebowski]

Hi all,

Before I start, I should own up to the fact that I'm a man. I'm asking for advice on Mumsnet not because I'd like a 'feminine' point of view, but simply because I've always been impressed at the degree of empathy and level-headed advice offered here. Still, tell me to bugger off, if you like.

Anyway, as the subject header says, I'm currently in a promising relationship, which has lasted around 5 months thus far. She is a kind, generous and adventurous person with a determinedly cheerful outlook on life. We get on very well, and the sex is great.

The issue is this. She has twice told me she loves me, and insisted I don't have to say it back. The unfortunate thing is that I don't feel I can say it back. If you asked me today whether I was in love, I would have to say no. In all other respects, I think she is fantastic.

This also harks back to a relationship many years ago I was in which lasted for 6 years, and was very similar. A great person, loving and kind, but I wasn't in love. I wasn't honest about those feelings (a case of telling myself not to be ungrateful for what was otherwise a good situation), and it went on for far too long. Crucially, I've never regretted the decision to end it.

It's perhaps worth adding that I am someone who experiences depressive cycles, and as such, I have found that it warps my view of the world. It leads me to wonder whether I can trust what I feel at times.

Maybe it's not the same situation as that one. I am not looking for validation or an excuse to split up with her, far from it. I am kind of desperate for it to work, because I've been spectacularly unlucky in love over the last 5 years. I am very fond of this person, but am worried that anything less than love is a waste of everyone's time. Or perhaps I'm overthinking everything. It's all a bit exhausting.

Any thoughts, folks?

It is tricky as your dilemma is a rare one regardless if your male or female.

If you're in love you know it. Everybody can fall in love can't they? Maybe she just isn't all that right for you? Maybe on paper she is great and the sort of woman you want to show the world as being your gf?

What is your ideal GF

@holdyourown

Yes, I think that's not out of the question. My thinking can become a bit askew when I'm not feeling so good. I met her during a tough time financially, and that's reached its apex now. Mind you, being back out in the job market means that at least I have a shot at a stable income.

I'd be upset if she met someone else, both for the fact that it didn't work out, and that I'd miss her being around in general. She is great company.

@Quitelikely

That was my impression, yes, though I do wonder if the benchmarks I've set for love really were that, as opposed to a powerful infatuation.

My ideal GF...someone kind, generous, smart, adventurous, and creative. Not asking for much, eh? At least on paper, she ticks all those boxes. I don't mean that to sound as clinical as it does.

Maybe what you think you want is not actually what you want. Well that much is demonstrated.

If you want to know how you really feel about this woman I suggest taking a break from her. You will either miss her like crazy or carry on with life.

I disagree that people always know love when they see it, I don't think that's true at all, and it's one of the reasons so many get divorced!

Ime some people don't identify what is in front of them as love, let that person go, realise in retrospect, and spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

That is why if he keys her go he might realise she's the one!

OP do you think she is the ONE?

Not keys! Let's

Doh

You have only been together five months! Why the hurry? I know some people call their boy/girlfriend a partner after two weeks and move in and have a baby after no time at all but maybe if everyone just slowed down there wouldn't be so many broken families.

Love is what matters. Not when you announce you feel it.

I was with someone for 2 years and thought I loved him. I didn't, looking back. I knew after 2 months I loved someone else and crucially I knew he loved me. He told me after five months. Been together nearly 19 years now.

Time isn't the point here, it is love and being truthful about it. I expect it hurt when I told my boyfriend I loved him and he didn't say it back but it was fine as he treated me right and we were happy.

If it is meant to be it will come but don't be throwing away future potential because you don't feel something you think you should right now. Who exactly owns your feelings and is telling you what you should feel?

@Quitelikely
Well, if what I think I want is not actually not what I want, I'm at a loss, really.

The One? It might seem like I'm dodging the question, but I'm not sure there really is just one person perfect for you. Otherwise, I'd be doing rather better in the love stakes. I certainly like her a heck of a lot.

I'm not quite sure how I'd go about taking some time away from her without wrecking it all. The old "space to think" reason, perhaps.

@Twinklestein @Itsfab
Both making very valid points here. I don't want to throw away a situation which actually works very well right now, but equally so, I don't want to mess her around. Lovely to hear you and your partner have made 19 years of it. Itsfab - those are the kind of stories that are always great to hear about.

I think at the very least, I should give things a couple of months to settle down on the financial front. Things really are crazy right now.

I tried to imagine what it would be like reading your comments about your girlfriend if I was the girlfriend - and I think I'd be really sad. It feels like she's a good buddy you like having around.

Would it be fair to give it a time limit and let her go at the end of it if you don't passionately love her? I'd hate to be held in a relationship which didn't have that for my partner. It seems likely you'll meet someone who does light that fire in you one day and then this poor girl gets ditched. She deserves to be loved fully.

@makeitabetterplace
Well, that hit home. Shortly after separating from a long-term partner with which I had a similar issue, I met someone who did ignite that fire. We got together, were terribly incompatible and split after seven months.

The question is, what is the proper basis for a long-term relationship? Because it seems that love isn't always enough.

Love might not be enough but it's got to be one of the things that's there. Otherwise I think it's just cruel as you're denying your partner chance to have it and, I know it's soppy, but I love being alive because of love. I've been with men who haven't really loved me and you feel it at the core of yourself and it's a sad, empty feeling. They might say and do the 'right' stuff but you know when your partner doesn't love you. Ouch. I can see it might work if both of you were happy with some kind of companionable arrangement but this woman says she loves you. It seems like you're hanging on to her for your own purposes without thinking of how this affects her and that tells me you don't love her as I couldn't bear to think I was depriving my partner of real love.

Please let her find love.

i have to say, you are coming across as educated well mannered and thoughtful.
but
there is a distance/separation tone to your words. As though your getting more detached the longer the relationship continues.

whatever the reason for this, bad experiences, depressive times or uncertainty, i really believe that she wants something from you that you can't give her.

i would look toward yourself and ask if you are leading her to nowhere.
This woman it making do and hoping you will eventually love her.
that's not on.

I agree with minky. She's hoping for more and your posts don't seem to offer much hope that this will happen and it's not on.

Well, that's enough emotional turmoil for one day. Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Just don't make the mistake of believing that just because one or more passionate relationships ended in failure it means a passionless, 'safe' one is somehow going to be more successful. It's unfair on the other (nice safe) person to be anything less than whole-hearted and relationships tend to throw up enough challenges without there being a background hum of doubt into the bargain.