I love my husband but can't cope with the constant negativity

[dodi1978]

Bit of background: Married for almost 2 years, bought a house together 2 1/2 years ago, 16 month old DS. So a lot happening putting a strain on time (we're both working full time) and money. Plus, the house needs a lot of work and husband generally works on it all weekend and spends little time with DS. We have very little time "off" as a family.

DH comes from a working background, always very little money, dad out of job for a while in the 90s. Little prospects when growing up, but managed to work his way up to a good, office based position as an engineer, without holding any university qualifications. I am mentioning this because I know this makes him feel inferior to many of his 'higher qualified' colleagues. Also grew up as a bit of a loner. Was quite social and open when we met, but due to being bound to the house to do work on it has fallen back into isolation and doesn't really have any close friends that he talks to regularly.

I come from a 'comfortably-off' middle-class family, have a PhD and am, compared to his whole family, more of a "glass half full" person, which is probably understandable because I've been quite fortunate in my life.

What I can't cope with his my DH's constant negativity towards life, which sometimes unloads itself in quite irrational outbursts (I would like to add in big letters: NO VIOLENCE!). He hates mess (grew up in a house that he considered messy because his mum and dad worked long hours when work was available, meaning that housework and DIY was neglected). Just as an example: a few weeks ago, I took a bowl from the kitchen table to pour some pasta from it onto my plate and happened to touch some food already on my plate with it... cue 'look what mess you've made' etc.). He can also be very tense when things are not properly cleaned. I have to add that, despite all the work we're doing on our house, nobody in their right mind would see it as messy... we are managing to hold it together.

Add to this that DH changed jobs twice last year and is now in thread of redundancy from the third. Cue more worries and annoyance about having to go back to sending out CVs. Also, we won't be able to finish up the work in our bathroom that we have started (current big project) due to money worries), so it will be a patch up job. Cue DH feeling down about this as well and thrown back to his childhood again...

I totally understand his worries and where he is coming from, given all that life has thrown at him. He is an amazing father and a good husband and I do love him, but I am finding it so difficult to cope his constant negativity. At the moment, he just doesn't seem to seem to be able to see that there are good things in this life as well, that he isn't redundant yet, and that, in the grand scheme of things, living with a half finished bathroom isn't the end of the world. I've suggested going back to the gymn, swimming, programming, anything to get his mind off his constant worries, but this is only met with 'I've got no time for this'.... which is not quite true.

I just don't know what to do. The whole situation drags me down as well and I'd like to help him, but, uff, it's hard work.

Any advice at all? I always get upset when trying to speak to him, so that doesn't help as he can't cope well with displays of emotions.

I normally take a very dim view of controlling partners but I suppose I am a bit like your H - I get stressed by mess and things not being finished and things being done badly. OK I would not tell DP off for pouring pasta onto his other food. But I long to have enough time and space to get everything how I would like it and it just never happens (of course, with a busy family and working life). I sometimes really feel it getting on top of me and get snappy. He sounds stressed in that kind of way, but more severely and long-term.

But, I think he needs to understand that this is his issue, it's not OK to boss people around or snap at them, and if he does do that he should apologise, and he must take responsibility for helping himself. "He would never do that" is not good enough. He may be depressed, such that getting up and trying to solve his problems is an overwhelming thought. In that case he needs to go to the GP, and if he won't I would press him on that. I think a letter is a good idea.

Meanwhile you need to separate yourself and remind him over and over, calmly and kindly when possible, that you are a separate person and you don't wish to be dragged down by his negativity. "This is my plate DH, and whether the food touches is my business, if you don't like it you can look away." "Yes this is not as clean as you would like, but I am OK with it." And so on.

Oftentimes people can find themselves repeating patterns of behaviour which they experienced as a child. This is natural, because we learn how to be adults, men/women, mothers/fathers, from our parents. But it can be a problem if you've grown up in a problematic family situation and not processed that. It sounds like your DH is operating on a script that relates not to his current situation but to his own childhood (thus the over-reaction about mess, redundancy etc), and that he's aware it's happening and that's making the situation even worse.

Being aware of and disliking his own behaviour may be causing him to get more tense, stressed and annoyed and yet more difficult to live with.

It's possible to break out of this negative rut, but it will take effort and willingness on his part to step outside his comfort zone and try to find a solution.

I would really recommend therapy, although how you can get him there if he's a 'man-man' God only knows. There are lots of male therapists out there, who know that men seeking help often prefer to talk to other, older men.

The fact that he's said he'll leave if it gets too much is a worry. If he's already made a deal with the devil, that he'd rather lose his family home and life than drop the pig-headedness and sort this out, then you're on a loser

"He would never do that" is not good enough

Yep. He may think he's being manly by being 'strong' and not getting help, but you need to be a much bigger man [person] to acknowledge your own weaknesses and take charge of making a change.

That's the thing that takes real courage and strength.

But his threat to leave sounds more along the lines of "If I'm unbearable to be around I'll go, I don't want to have a bad effect like my dad did". That's pig-headed, but also shows some insight and maybe with some coaxing and encouragement he could be helped to see that there are actually things you can do to change this and become happier.

CogitoErgo I think you are fabulous! AdamLambs you've got it nailed. OP i understand your caring and compassionate heart, you are trying to be reasonable and adult in the face of unreasonableness and immaturity. The DH is depressed and character disordered and until you/ he see that you will continue on the downward spiral and he will act upon his threat. I have the t-shirt. OP thanks for your post, you have shown me myself more clearly than i could see before.

Cheers flybe

follow, yes, I see what you mean and that might be the case.

I was worried that the thought process was more 'I won't ask for help for this because it's weak, I'd rather just leave, that's better for everyone'.

That looks like a caring decision in some lights, but it also says that his need to look 'strong' comes first.

Leaving needs to be the absolutely last option, well after 'going to the GP' or 'trying treatments I'll feel embarrassed about'.

Thanks everybody. I've brought it all on paper now. I hope I've found the right words. I don't know what his reaction will be. Not sure when to give it to him either. Tonight? Go out on a run whilst he reads it? Please be assured that, at worst, his reaction will be a defensive one, there is no threat to me whatsoever.

Hmmm...I would go out for a run while he reads it. His first thought might well be defensive but given a bit of time he will hopefully see your letter for what it is - a way to make things more manageable for you both