Struggling to move on

[gingerbreadshoes]

My exdp left 18 months ago but I can't seem to stop feeling so sad about it.

We have a young ds together so we still see each other on a very regular basis which doesn't really help.

I am meant to be going on a date on Friday but he is being a bit too full on in his messages and the thought of having to be with someone else is a bit too much for me.

I realise that I was to blame for him leaving as his emotional affair was his reaction to how I was to him. I really didn't appreciate what I had with him and even my parents have admitted that they feel that it was my fault.

I feel so sad for ds as well because although he is too young to understand, I ultimately made his dad leave. I can't bear it when he cries for him.

I don't know what to do anymore and I have nobody to speak to in rl who would understand how I feel as I did have the perfect life and other people could see that but I couldn't.

I dread the day he meets someone else because they are going to be so lucky to have him and I will still be alone.

He is coming for Christmas and I struggled with it last year and I don't feel anymore able to deal with it this year either but he wants to be here to see ds.

I don't know what this post will achieve but I am just so sad

Are you sure this relationship is definitely over? Is there no chance of reconciliation?
Relationships break down all the time and although your DS will be sad, if you stay on good terms as parents, don't slag each other off in front of him and show him how much you both love and care for him even though you do not live under the same roof then the damage to your DS will be minimised.
Can ex just pop round for an hour on Christmas morning to experience pressie opening and then leave as a whole day visit could be emotionally tough.
Nobody has the perfect life. We all have aspects of our lives which are difficult and challenging but we usually keep these issues private. If it had been so perfect then I doubt you would have separated.
It might be worth trying to talk to a counsellor to help you begin to move on with your life. If it really is totally over then it's time to start picking up the pieces and moving on. By all means go on the date but perhaps it's too early to get too deeply involved with someone else yet as you seem to have so many unresolved issues in your life regarding your ex.
Just take things slowly and stop being so hard on yourself ok.

Who is blaming you? How can your parents know what went on unless they were actually present for all of it. How can you possibly be to blame for him having an emotional affair?! Did you hold a gun to his head and tell him to have an emotional affair?! Don't be so hard on yourself

If your ex was having an affair, getting shot was the right thing to do. The blame is all his. The train of thought that says 'if I'd been a better partner, he wouldn't have screwed around' is a path to self-destruction. If you were a terrible partner, he could have talked to you about it or ended the relationship. So please understand that he chose to do what he did for his own reasons, knowing the risks.

His next partner will not be a lucky woman if he carries on in the same vein.

There is no reason to have this person in your life for anything other than matters that are purely to do with your DC. Block messages, keep conversations very short and factual and for goodness' sake don't put yourself through the torture of all sitting around a Xmas dinner table pretending to be normal! You may be able to do it one day in the future but for now it's far too raw.

Thank you for your replies. I am feeling a bit better about it today.

I realise that our relationship wasn't really perfect and seeing him pick his nose tonight whilst he was here made me remember the things I didn't like about him.

I think that my biggest issue is with how difficult I find being on my own and having to do everything myself. I appreciate that thousands of women manage this but I don't enjoy it at all.

Re the blame it has been said that I was horrible to him but as a pp pointed out they weren't there all of the time.