Just 'cause I've had premarital sex,doesn't mean I am particularly sexually open..

[AwkwardCatholic]

Will try and keep short.
OH and I have been married 7 years, together about 10. I am his first sexual partner but he is not mine. I slept with 2 other guys before him in stable relationships.
As my username suggests, I was brought up Catholic though I am no longer in the least religious. However, I do think that my upbringing in Ireland and its lack of sexual permissiveness has probably contributed to my attitude to sex. I generally just end up feeling awkward if I am not giving as well as receiving. Similarly, I have never been one for masturbating really - I give it a try but my brain doesn't shut off easily and I often end up just leaving it be.

OH's doesn't understand how I could feel self-conscious and awkward with my husband. He didn't have sex before me but it seemed once he found the one to be with, that was fine, all floodgates open and he doesn't feel awkward about it. I think he feels that I was probably swinging off chandeliers before him (though I have told him it was not like that and he actually sexually awakened me to a large extent) and can't reconcile how I could not be that bothered about losing my virginity as a big thing but then feel awkward about other stuff. He feels hurt or like it's a rejection of him that I do feel awkward and I have no clue how to explain it really as it's just how I feel.

Any tips?!

He sounds very selfish. Sorry if that's not how you perceive him. He sounds like he's throwing his toys out of the pram because you're not the pliant sex toy he'd always dreamed of and imagined women were.

Smilla - I can see that it could come across that way but it's not that.
He feels like I was maybe wild and crazy in the sex department previously (which I was compared to him, I guess but not more than I am now) and that he missed out on that side of me and feels odd that I would not be like that with him.
However, it's based on a misconception of what went on then.
We are talking and working through it.
I am making sure my feelings are heard and taken into account as much as his!

I'm glad to hear it. :) Perhaps just a touch of the old projection from my experience with my first sexual partner way back when then!

See, a problem there is that you are having to make sure your feelings are heard.
The question will be if he is listening or it will seem like you're making progress but in the long term you'll actually still be where you started.
What he seems to miss is that sex should make you both happy and that you are just as important as him and I'm not sure you can actually change that.

Also, the more he complains about you being self conscious with him and accuse you of being awkward, the more you will be. A sort of self fulfilling prophecy. But actually it all sounds like emotional blackmail for you to go along with whatever he wants to regarding sex.

Lweji- he doesn't miss that sex should be making us both happy, it's really not about him pushing what he wants to do. It's him having hang ups about me being more experienced and thinking that this experience means I was relaxed with those guys and not self-conscious when I am with him.
Truth is, I was self-conscious with his predecessors which he hears, but is finding hard to believe.
I think we're getting somewhere after discussions and texts today....hopefully!

I hope you are right, but it sounds more like excuses to me. Or punishment for having been with those men.
I hope I'm wrong, though.

Lweji- Been with him ten years. Married for 7 and two kids. This is a communication and reconnection problem, not a question of punishment.

I'm sorry but all I'm getting from this is that he's not taking any responsibility for the quality of the sexual relationship. He's blaming you, your exes, your past (quite normal) behaviour .... anything except what I suspect is the real problem i.e. his own insecurity. No-one who has an ounce of sensitivity brings up previous sexual partners - either their own or other people's. Fishing for 'you're the best I've ever had' compliments is bad form. Blaming any problems on everything but himself shows no desire to change.

To start with I'd take your previous experience out of the discussion and simply won't allow it.
It's not something you can prove or demonstrate. He has no right to ask about it in such detail, let alone use it to justify his own behaviour and insecurities whatever.
He wasn't the first, grow up or get counselling for it. His problem, not his.
He should not doubt you, anyway. No trust no relationship.
Then it leaves the bare problem of what and he wants you to be, behave and perform. And it doesn't sound good.
So, what will the sex be like without the excuse of other partners? Without the imposition that you have to be with him how you supposedly were with other men?

I was with a crap partner for more than 10 years, who was also good in other aspects, except sexually and his temper and the emotional blackmail. In the middle of it I didn't think it was crap, because you work at relationships and I could make it better. Longevity means nothing. And we are often conditioned to excuse most things and put it down to insecurities and make it our responsibility to fix. It isn't our responsibility.

How long has this problem been going on? It doesn't sound that recent. Or was it made worse by the children.

But Awkward says she prefers when it's mutual, which sounds fine to me.
Not sure why he has to insist on pleasuring her on her own if she doesn't want to.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.
In general, our sex life is good, mutually satisfying, initiated by both of us at different times.
I started the thread because of one specific incident which upset me though it's true that in the past couple of months, we've been trying to sort the quantity, the quality is generally not an issue.
It is true that he needs to take more responsibility for any problems or issues which I have pointed out. Bringing up the exes is new and triggered, I would think, by them popping up on FB and in actual real life over the summer.
I had a good rant at him yesterday about my feelings. We shall see how things go.
As for me not masturbating- I have done it, just the urge would not really strike me and I've been known to give up before orgasm!

I totally get where you are coming from. I was brought up with strict evangelical Christian parents who made sex before marriage to be an evil, shameful and unspeakable act. I can see the reasons and biblical teaching for not having sex before marriage but the 'sex is wrong' message that was perpetuated through bad teaching in the church up until this century (and probably still today in many cases) has damaged many marriages because of the taboo surrounding sex and the idea that we can switch from 'sex is shameful' to 'sex is fine with my husband' during the course of our wedding day is ludicrous. Like you I was a 'very bad girl' and had sex with a stable partner before I met my husband whilst he has only ever slept with me.

My point is, you are not alone. Almost all of my friends who are married and were brought up as devout Christians have issues in the way that you describe. It is important to get past this point for a healthy marriage. In my experience, there are a few factors that often creep up as factors that perpetuate the problem. They may not be issues for you but I'll list them anyway.

Communication. So often the problem in a marriage. We talk at cross purposes because we 'tick' slightly differently to our spouse and don't know how to express ourselves without hurting our spouse. If you can afford to buy Nicky and Sila Lee's marriage course DVD plus two workbooks, you'll find it very helpful to work through and start discussions in a healthy way.

Hormonal contraception. Possibly not a problem for you as a RC but the 'symptoms' of how you feel physically during foreplay are more common when your hormones are imbalanced. We used to joke that the pill was a very effective form of contraception for us because it totally killed my normally high libido.

Porn. So many Christians have such limited discussions about sex that they are even more impressionable when they receive the majority of their sex ed through porn. This is a huge problem because then people think that what they see in porn is all totally normal and to be expected. For some people it is, for others it's simply not what they find pleasurable. Again, this may not be an issue in your marriage but it is in many Christian marriages and it's traditionally a taboo subject.

You may find counselling/sex therapy helpful if you are finding it hard to communicate and overcome the issues.

I'd highly recommend reading the 'five love languages' book as well because it sounds like your husband has a different 'love language' to you and you need to understand each others language to understand their behaviour. This has been key in our marriage, especially in our sex life.

Sorry for the long post but I hope it is helpful.

I think it could be playing on his mind that you had sex with people before him and it's making him jealous. He is finding a hook to hang this on, but really as others have said, he's insecure. If this is a relatively new thing what's making him dwell upon your past? I hate to say it but I have a little sympathy...My partner had a normally promiscuous sex life before she met me but In my other long term relationships I had in effect been the first. For the first time in my life I felt sexual jealousy and used to her imagine her doing all sorts before me. It took me ages to talk myself out of it and I still get the odd twinge. It's so silly really. I was very experienced myself and it was hypocritical, but it was a strangely physical feeling in the pit of my stomach. Made me want to have loads of sex with her and be a bit grrr...about it. I don't think he sounds like a nasty person, just insecure.

Thanks queen - I think you describe it quite well, it's a gut feeling for him, I think, about wishing he was the first rather than me having been with other people. We have teased a few things out but I think I will tell him also that this is HIS issue, not mine as I cannot change the past and I was open with him about it so he needs to accept my past and learn to live with it. I will repeat also that he need not feel hard done by, he didn't miss out on much but it's up to him to accept and believe that. I think that the spectre of a couple of my exes (one was randomly at the same venue when we went to a wedding over the summer, another popped up on FB a couple of weeks ago) has woken up this jealousy in him.

NoRoomforaLittleOne - I think you are on the button with the "different love languages" - I doubt he would read the book but I may mention some of the concepts to him as I think it is something we both need to recognise in each other. I know that he considers all the work he does with regard to securing our financial future as a labour of love (whereas I just see it as boring life admin when I do similar stuff) and I see me making tea and toast for him as a labour of love whereas he doesn't so much. So the different love languages (though I find that title a bit cringey) is relevant beyond the bedroom too.

I really appreciate all the time people have taken to reply to this!

It would seem his expectations (what he should do and how you should respond) do not fit with reality.

The only answer is for expectations to fit in more closely with what is available.

He needs to let go of the idea that x leads to y and go with the flow [hippy emoticon] an possibly needs a bit of help.