I put myself in a vulnerable position and then was surprised when I was assaulted.

[obviouslynamechanged4this]

I've been up all night with this going around and around in my head. I just need to get it out and be heard. Thank you to anyone who might read this and just...sorry.

I was born into a nice middle class family; private schooling, 4 bedroom house, pretty garden, yearly foreign holidays and all that superficial jazz. I was sexually abused for many years until the abuser moved away and no longer had physical access to me. I began to suffer from anxiety and nightmares, so my parents found me therapy but I never disclosed and I still haven't.

As a young teen, I developed severe anorexia nervosa, spent so much time in and out of hospital; overdoses, self harm and being force fed to save my life. I didn't go to school and became very socially isolated and lonely. My family and remaining few friends showered me with love but I felt unlovable. I was 19 when I decided that finding a boyfriend would make me feel special and heal all my hurt.

I scoured the web for dates and went on a few disastrous ones. I say that because dates often surround food and alcohol and I was still in the grips of anorexia. Eventually, I found a nice guy of my age, well I thought he was nice. I made a huge catalogue of errors that led me to get sexually assaulted. I got in the car with him on our first meeting. I went to his home. I didn't comment when he locked the door. I hung out in his bedroom. I lay on his bed. I let him kiss me. I thought he wanted to watch a film and cuddle. That had sounded perfect to me, just what I was after. How silly that sounds! I was stupid and didn't look after my safety at all. I was 19, old enough to know better.

The overwhelming feeling I had for the next few weeks was sheer surprise. I had not expected it. Looking back, I am angry with myself for feeling surprised. Really, what did I expect to happen?!

I am so ragey with myself today. I have called in sick to work which I never do. I am filled with self loathing and anger. I want to be a little girl again and I want my mummy to hold me and protect me from the evils that she never knew about it. I want to start all over again and do my life differently.

Your parents, if they are as lovely as you say they are will indeed be upset, but the cause of that is definitely not you.

Do you not think it would also be a relief for them to finally understand why they have had to work so relentlessly and hard to try and make you know how much you are loved?

Don't you think they already think that something they didn't do quite right has been the cause of your difficulties and sadness and wish they understood better how they can help now?

I'm so so sorry that you have been through this and are still going through this.

I love my daughter, if you were my daughter I would want to know what has happened to you. I would do anything I could to help you. I would hate to think that you couldn't tell me.

You do not deserve any of this. You really, really don't.

I agree with the pp who said your family will be so relieved that they can finally understand your sadness, the cause of it all. Don't you think that that monster has caused enough distress for you.

Please, please share your truth with those who love you. I'm certain that it going to be the start of a new path for you.

Please show your mother this thread, tonight if you can.

You are already taking steps in the right direction because you came here. There is hope always hope. I'm so hopeful for you I really am. I just know you're going to find the courage to tell your story to those who matter most.

Be strong, you are strong, you can do this.

I think there might be something key in telling your mum. She sounds lovely, and the sort of person to do the holding/ hugging/ telling you you're safe, only she would be doing it now.
Counselling is a very healing process if you find a good one. Though i never experienced anything like what you went through, I did find myself crying for the first time about things that had happened in my past. It felt as if everything had been locked up until then, and crying was like a huge relief. It was a long process for me, but it changed my life. It's worth trying and trying again to "let go" even though it can seem very frightening to do it.
I can only echo what others have said and say nothing you went through was in any way your fault. You went through the toughest time as a child. I hope posting on here/ telling your mum you feel bad is a first step to getting the support and hugs you need and deserve from the people who love you.

And I know you haven't planned on telling your mum today but there is no timing to these things. It's best not to dwell on it but rather just do it. Just don't think about the how's, whys etc just let it out.

I never told my mum what happened to me (raped by someone I worked with at the age of 16) for the same reason as you - that it would upset her, but also, if I'm honest, because I was afraid she would blame me.

But I would urge you to tell someone - a trusted, sensible friend perhaps. Maybe after that you might think about telling your parents. The more understanding and sympathetic people you tell, the easier it becomes to talk about, and eventually to put it in a box and move on. Don't forget that you weren't at fault - you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Your rapist is that guilty person, not you.

The day I told my DH (many years later) was the day I started to put it behind me. It took him two hours to get through to me, by telling me over and over again, It Was Not Your Fault. Please repeat that mantra to yourself until you believe it.

When this sorry tale is out in the open, you will realise how small and unimportant is something that has been dominating your life. I don't mean to trivialise your experiences, just to say that it is a big world out there and you have an exciting life ahead of you - look forward. Best wishes.

OP, I wonder if the emotions around telling your parents is an obstacle to you would you consider "telling" them in a counselling session? Then exploring the emotions with your counsellor.

In retrospect a massive hurdle for me was recognising how angry I was with my mother. I love my mother and I didn't want to look at any of it because I couldn't imagine expressing the anger. I didn't consciously "know" that till it came up in a visualisation exercise with my counsellor.

I'm a bit dubious about a therapist saying you won't heal till you tell your parents. I think that your healing should be led by you. My counsellor is person-centred and she would ask questions and help me explore what might happen if I took certain courses of action. She would never tell me I wouldn't heal unless I did a certain thing as it was up to me how I made myself feel differently.

You say you run from the painful stuff. Can you identify why that is? If it's because you feel you will HAVE to tell your parents then would letting yourself off that mean you could start to work on other ways of healing.

In a sense it's irrelevant how your parents feel if you tell them. You are at the centre of this. How would YOU feel? Could you cope with feeling like that? If not, why not?

This doesn't feel like a very coherent post. I'm just trying to do what my counsellor did for me - ask the right questions, ones I wasn't expecting, ones that helped me think in ways I didn't think before.

If you've been stuck for 5 years I think it's time to try different approaches. How would you feel about a different counsellor?

I understand OP that you worry that your parents will blame themselves, but they will blame themselves anyway for your anorexia. As I said upthread a friend of mine had anorexia, her parents blamed themselves terribly. To discover there was another cause might actually help paradoxically.

Of course they will blame themselves for what happened, not seeing it, not protecting you, but - they weren't responsible for your abuse any more than you were, and that's their journey.

I have a young daughter and the idea of her going through abuse and not tell me to protect me - I can't actually imagine anything worse other than her dying. Not to be given the opportunity to help her when she needed me the most. I don't want to her to protect me, I don't need protecting. I would much rather know the truth and deal with that, than be kept in the dark. I imagine your mother feels the same.