Hmm.. I have posted before using other names. I am a longtime lurker and infrequent poster.
Married 10 years. together 13. 3 dc's. I am currently off work due to a combination of depression and anxiety as a chronic illness that came to a head in May of this year.
In that time we have been together , I got pregnant after 1 year together. He proposed. We got engaged and married when dd was 11 months old.
Our sex life has always been abysmal - in the past I have tried everything to get it going, from nice lingerie to role-play, fantasies, some v light bondage etc. Then it all went quiet. Zero sex. At all. Rejection explained as me having let myself go ... yes had put on a couple of stone, after two kids, a house move and project managing renovations ... but hey-ho none of that must have been important to him!
Fast forward couple of years and the 'truth' finally outs... he stopped having sex with me because he resented me 'trapping him' - that he envied his friends who were still single.
My confidence and sense of self-worth have always been pretty low. Through counselling and some CBT I am working so hard on myself, to build by assertiveness and be more respectful of my own judgement. I have learned and actively practice listening carefully, to understand him.
Our arguments (which are frequent) usually start with me asking him about sthg,.. he half listens/answers another question that I haven't asked .. then I get upset and cross .. he twists it back to me.... Fuck it is exhausting. Its his way or the highway in our hosue generally. I am too frightened to make a move on him as I fear the rejection would hurt too badly... so its down to as and when he fancies a fumble - and I mean literally a fumble. WE don't kiss ... he NEVER gives me oral sex ... (he has a small penis and I often wonder If this plays a part in his ego) He admits himself he is pretty crap at sex but doesn't do anything about it.
Well done if you're still reading!
I am now ridiculously fat, with career dreams in tatters due to my sickness absences. He meanwhile has seen his career grow - everyone thinks he's amazing ... but that's the Jekyll & Hyde in him..... he hasn't been there for me emotionally when I needed him to be... ie reading up on mental illness, understanding it from the sufferer as well as the carer (I want totally self-obsessed). I used to be pretty ... not any more. At the beginning he told me I intimidated him.. Now I am not so sure that's a good thing.
What do I do?