lovely, lovely DH. Just not attracted physically. Argh.

[lackofplaisirdamour]

NC'd. We love each other a lot. He is absolutely great, thoughtful, kind, hardworking, very bright, very insightful. I love him, he loves me. We've been together for 9 years, discussed lots of stuff in the past few years, got married nearly a year ago. We have plans for the future, including kids. We talk every day.

It's fairly obvious that the elephant in the room is that neither of us actually enjoys sex with the other, at all, and never really has. And we each feel very guilty about that, and can't really discuss it functionally.

Before DH, I had 2 boyfriends who were emotionally unavailable immature arses. But my god I found them attractive, and the sex was very good, even if emotionally it was all awful. From the first time with DH, it hasn't been any good.

With DH, I thought that he was so lovely that we could work on things and it'd all get better. I don't know if that's what he thought about me. He also had 2 previous relationships that may possibly have been more based on sex than emotional connection.

We made an effort for the first few months. We quickly got into a pattern of sex at most every few weeks. I went on antidepressants, libido disappeared entirely for a few years. Sex never really recovered. Recently I've been away, posted overseas for 18 months and we've only been together for a few weeks, three times in the time I've been away. We managed to consummate our marriage successfully, but that's it for the last 2 years.

I'm off back home to DH at the end of this week.

Any suggestions on how to fix this?

Vivacia - I think we need to discuss it, as elephants are very large things to have in rooms. Perhaps we may decide not to change anything. There's no chance we'd have kids naturally if that were the case, which will have to be part of the discussion.

MarmiteMania - yes, of course, absolutely. It's a first world problem to have on this Relationships board.

DH and I went through a stage of styles soon where one person was the giver and the other the receiver. The aim was to hone our skills at giving what the other enjoys and the other to actually be able to say what they like and when to try something else or 2 things in combo, you get the idea!

One night would be one persons turn them the role would swap on the next.

The giver would get the thrill of knowing they were doing a better job of pleasing. The receiver would be in for a good time and knowing their partners only wish was to take things slow and please.

It worked very well and on days where the other is stressed, it's a great thing to go back to as a refresher course and for relaxation.

This means we know how to pleasure one another and sex is anticipated and enjoyed.

At first, I found it difficult to say what I wanted as I'd not had a good history. Now sex is great and we can read each other's reactions without so much need to vocalize.

Hmmm. I wonder if you feel that you should be more sexual, like pressure from society in general?

Would you consider sex therapy on your own?

No it's not. It's an important issue and it matters to you. Do you think your husband is good looking?

I would recommend the book Mating in Captivity. By Esther Perel.

Joysmum - we have a way to go before we get to that stage, but it sounds like what we probably should be doing.

Vivacia - i honestly don't know. And I don't know what DH thinks. We need to discuss it. Sex therapy on our own may be what we need to get to the point of discussing it.

DeadCert - that is very possibly a relevant point. My DH is all the things i think are good looking, in an abstract way, but I've never once actually felt that gut feeling of "wow X is good looking" for a man. Sexual attraction to previous boyfriends didn't work that way at all for me. I sometimes look at women and think in an almost visceral way "oh wow, X is stunningly good looking", but it's not a sexual thing for the women, more some kind of extreme male-gaze that has been seared onto my brain by spending my childhood doing ballet and watching the bodies of hundreds of girls in minute levels of detail.

rootypig, thanks, will look it up.

Do you have as much body confidence as you had years ago ? Have you had any significant weight gain or loss or has your DH ? I only ask because I feel the same as you , still really love DH but no longer (or very rarely ) pro-actively want sex with him. My problem is weight gain over last few years which I am struggling to tackle but my self esteem and body image are on the floor. When I was proud of my body and felt attractive we had a very good regular sex life. Hard to explain but it's me that doesnt like me so think how can my DH be attracted to me.

In short I think one has to feel confident to feel sexy.

Bahhhhhumbug, you're probably right there. I hope you find ways of getting back to feeling attractive. Your DH very probably still finds you attractive, but for you, that's not the whole point.

My self-worth has never really been tied up in my looks (despite the ballet/male gaze thing above, or perhaps because of it - i haven't ever felt good-looking or sexy really), but my confidence and self-worth took a massive dive between the beginning of boyfriend 1 and the end of boyfriend 2, and continued to drop in the first 5 or so years with DH, though for factors unrelated to him (he has been a rock-solid support). I haven't ever rediscovered a version of myself that feels happy or empowered or like I"m doing anything other than "doing my very best for the relationship because i love DH so much", when I'm having sex. Lying back and thinking of England is a humiliating position when you're in a relationship that is otherwise so good.

yes you're right lackof my DH still insists he finds me attractive/still fancys me and it is obvious that he still does But I can't enjoy a body I currently loathe (mine). It doesnt bother me personally as I've lost all interest in it per se. But it worries me from DHs pov as it's not fair on him and for our marriage obviously.

Have you ever enjoyed sex with him?

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but could you ask your GP if there is an anti depressant you could try that doesn't affect the libido, as it is having a negative effect on your marriage?

Could there be any other physical reason which is making sex between you, such as it hurting, and your Dh being concerned he's hurting you?

It's your marriage, there are no rules about how you each arrive at enjoying sex other than what you both set for each other, and equally you can allow yourselves and one another whatever you want. Each sorting yourselves out for aspects of it included. :)

When was the last time you slept in each others arms naked?

Did you ever actually fancy him and want to shag him? Have you ever enjoyed sex?

Imagine you met a man now who you really, really fancied. Could your marriage withstand that?

This is something you would have to talk through, honestly, with your H but - do you feel that the two of you couldlive happily together and raise children together? Do you enjoy each other's company? If both of you are genuinely uninterested in sex with each other then you could, actually, have a perfectly satisfactory marriage and family life. If you could both regard sex as baby-making and only do it till a pregnancy occurs, would you be OK with that? Plenty of people have sex for reproductive purposes and don't find it that thrilling (even if they have it for enjoyment at other times: as long as it's not actually repellent to you it's no big deal to have TTC sex when you're not actually in the mood for sex.)
The thing is, having regular sex is not compulsory. Remaining monogamous is not compulsory, either - you can have a solid family unit and still get occasional jollies outside it, but the essential component to doing this is for both of you to feel the same way about each other..

I know a friend who had IVF for her second child and I'm pretty sure it was because they weren't having sex at all. This situation is not as uncommon as you think, I guess the question is can you both live with it? I would start talking, if you are both reasonably happy and you can take comfort that this life is ok for him (presumably it is as you recently married) then perhaps this is not such a bad compromise.

The other thing is- do you find him physically unattractive or repulsive in any way? If you do, there is no hope. If you find him ok but rarely feel turned on or your libido seems to have disappeared, this is much more fixable. I suspect you have moved into the 'friendzone' but with your own husband, but as long as you don't find him really repulsive and are prepared to downgrade your expectations a little (he's not going to turn into your hot lover really if he's never been it), then companionship, laughing, having a great life together sounds quite good.

I'd also like to say that even if you find your husband really sexy (as I do) you can still meet men who are fanciable and take resisting! Temptation can come everyone's way, it's not always about what you don't have at home. So, being faithful in the face of very attractive options is everyone's challenge unless you go for SGB's suggestion of a more open arrangement.

Kids are not out of the question. There are several ladies here on the MN conception boards who have self-inseminated without intercourse. It is done using a long pipette at the right time of the cycle.

Honestly, I don't think that the story is over unless you want it to be. A decent bout of therapy should be your first calling point.

This sounds to me very much like you are both great friends, rather than husband and wife. But there are plenty of marriages where this is the most successful formula.

I guess it mainly depends on whether you are happy with this or not.... How important is sex to you? Do you crave it? Miss it? Want it? Or is it something you can live without?

I used to think that a good sex life was fundamental in a relationship. Having had several relationships and a marriage which ended badly, now I am not so sure.

I think friendship/companionship with a good caring man is more important and you have that.

If you don't sort it out then it'll be a whole herd of elephants in a year or two. Have you ever had good sex? Even at the beginning? You know that you are capable of good sex, but do you know if he is?

Could he be gay, or maybe asexual.

If you've been together 9 years and there's still no real physical attraction, I'm sorry but I think you're flogging a dead horse. In most LTRs, the pattern tends to be 'quality over quantity' as time goes on and you get to know each other's likes and dislikes. If you've never had either, you're on a hiding to nothing. It's unfair on everyone and it sounds like getting married on some woolly hope that things would magically sort themselves out was a bit of a mistake, to put it mildly.

It sounds like you just don't have much of a libido and would be happy with a sexless marriage - is that correct? And are you sure that it's correct indefinitely or is it possible that coming off anti-depressants (if that's something that may happen) would change that?

What is much less clear is what your DH feels about it. If he would also be happy with a sexless marriage, then that's all fine - you can still have children. However, you need to be absolutely certain that you are both on the same page. This site is filled with women (it is usually this way round) who had sexless marriages and then later on realised it was only sexless on their side and they had just completely failed to notice/realise/fully comprehend that their DHs weren't ok with never having sex.

I think some of your issues are caused by your antidepressants. Some absolutely kill sex drive and make it very difficult to orgasm. Are you taking an SSRI? Seroxat and Citalopram gave me really bad sexual side effects, but I have no problems in that area with Sertraline after the first 6 weeks of taking it. I would speak to your GP first of all to see if there's a possibility of switching drugs or trying a lower dose, as that could make a difference.