Husband's bad temper enough of a reason to call it day?

[textingdisaster]

Just that really.

Have started other divorce threads but then sometimes don't go back to them because the whole thing is hard to accept (or I keep on meaning to go back to write on them but find that days pass).

Don't know if I should tell h I am thinking of calling it a day, or get my so called ducks in a row first, or even say how difficult I find this and see if he can change it. Not that we have much of a relationship to salvage but we do have 3 dc and the whole thing is terrifying.

I have told him many things by text and email (I find him very difficult to talk to) and we have also been to counselling together (for about 5 sessions before he stopped going) but his rudeness persists. I can only deduce that a. He doesn't like me and b. He has a short fuse and this is unlikely to change.

Somebody I know told me that my emails are confrontational and if what I want is a closer relationship I should approach him in a different way. So then I feel guilty that in fact I really just want to end the marriage and am looking for an excuse .

Am 45 and have spent yet another weekend withdrawn from h as I am offended by the way he has spoken to me on various occasions. Don't want to waste my life in this way but the thought of permanently altering my dcs' lives (they are 8, 10 and 13) is awful. Also of wrecking my h's life which is a bit as he is hardly sorry about the way he often speaks to me like shit .
(Sorry for swearing but expresses how I feel quite well!!).

Ok

Walking on eggshells, retreating into yourself is no way to live. And living in that atmosphere must be grim for your DC.
You know that now, so you can do something about it. Good luck.

Maras2 what was the point of your question if not to have a go? No one would volunteer for a life like that for themselves or their DC.

yes it's a very good reason to end it. your partner's mood is everything - how you are spoken to and treated in your own home is fundamental to your wellbeing. it's the basis for your relationship. it's ok to be in a bad mood, it's not ok to take it out on someone. sounds to me like he does that frequently.

Hi all

Was going to give examples of the kind of behaviour I mean (and also respond to individual posters) because I feel that I might have lost perspective and don't know what other people think is normal in marriages (or not), but will have to do it tomorrow as am too tired to organise my thoughts. Have recently been writing down all the things h says that I find upsetting so it should be quite easy to find examples.

Hope you all sleep well (when you go to bed I realise it's still quite early!) .

Sounds like you've been through enough OP. Yes he will be a shit to divorce, but he's a shit to be married to and you will be happier without him.

You don't want to look back at your life and think 'I didn't divorce him because I was afraid of him.' Howabout, 'I divorced him because he intimidated me and I was scared and he really didn't care about my feelings'.

Or howabout 'I divorced the fuck out of him because he was an arsehole for years and I couldn't take anymore and I wasn't prepared to bring my children up in an abusive marriage'.

I don't mind about your swearing, as you can tel!

Truth is, your children are already getting horrible messages about adult relationships. You won't be breaking up the marriage. He has with his appalling behaviour. And you have given communicated many times how much his behaviour upsets you. Don't let anyone pin this on you. God knows, you appear to have stuck it out long enough.

He's not just rude, he is vicious and emotionally abusive. Get thee to a solicitor.

You don't have to give us any more examples of how badly he treats you

We believe you

It's believing yourself that is the problem and we cannot help you do that I am afraid

Did you ever speak to Women's Aid ?

I am currently being divorced by a very angry man. The way he has behaved, you'd think it was me who had anger management issues, who had had an affair, who had a terrible behavioural problem.

There is absolutely no doubt that divorce is incredibly stressful. The thing that is keeping me sane is that this fuckwittery ends. I know when, I just have to get there.

It is not easy.

But it is easier knowing that it does, one day, end. It gives me hope.

But, being the 'master criminal' as it is currently being alleged that I am, I shall steal AF's words and adapt them to tell my story.

I am the adult child of such a marriage.

I have virtually no contact with my father and not much more with my mother.

I blame her as much as him for my shitty childhood bearing witness to the behaviour of an arrogant bully and how she appeased him over and over again. She had a choice to live like that and took it to the detriment of her kids emotional well being

She was divorced by him. She hardly knows her own children. She treats them like shit because WE have to understand that our father did so much damage to her.

I supported her for years to recover from her divorce. My divorce, as bloody awful as it is, is happening to her.

When I can't cope with it, and I didn't well in the early days, she told me to get a grip. And didn't I know that hers was so much worse. (It wasn't, they divorced after five years separation so no great shock).

Don't be that woman. You will lose your kids in the long run as they tire of watching you lose yourself. You will also teach your children to put up with a shit marriage.

It truly is better to be single.

Amen

OP if its enough of a reason for you then, thats what matters. His rudeness sounds very aggressive..its such a shame when men who profess to love their lifepartners treat them in such a dismissive way. I wouldnt presume to say you should ltb but my parents were really hostile to each other when they were together. We all as children knew this but accepted it as normal. But years later..deep inside I really, really resented my mother for not taking a stand and getting us all the hell away from it. Eventually, my dad left her...! & 2 decades later she still moans on & on..anyway, just do whats best for your own peace of mind..you'll be a better mother to your DCs when you're no longer living under this cloud

I could write this post. My sbeh is like this. I spent an hour in his company yesterday when he came to pick up his daughter, he was so critical of me and rude in just that one hour.

What I am saying is, you do not love what he is but what you always hoped he would be.

Your children are old enough to understand what is going on and sorry but using them as an excuse to stay is pathetic. You want to stay, wherever they were there or not. Just be honest with yourself! If you really wanted to leave, your leave because of your children welfare. I am sure they see him speak to you like shit, can you just imagine the damage that is doing to them?