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Original poster

New guy,lack of attraction,advice pl

27 replies

happyandsingle · 23/11/2014 09:52

I wondered if someone on here could give me some advice.
I'm seeing someone I met on pof who I have been dating a few weeks.
When we first met there was no real physical attraction on my part but thought I would give it a few more dates as sometimes these things grow on you.
Fast forward a few more dates and I'm afraid the attraction is still not there. When I like someone I normally get butterflies when I see them but there is none of that and even when we DTD I did not really enjoy it and wondered if that's because I just don't fancy him enough.
The problem is he's such a nice guy,treats me well generous etc and I'm agonising if I should try and accept the lack of attraction as he's so nice or try and find someone I really fancy but who would probably not treat me as well as in my experience it's hard to find both.
Would like some opinions,or anyone who has been in similar and if I do break if of what's the kindest way to do it?
Not really used to dumping someone,plus he's been hurt before which makes me feel worse.

OP posts:
lemisscared · 23/11/2014 09:54

Find someone who gives you butterflies AND treats you well. Don't string this guy along. Its not fair on either of you.

alphabook · 23/11/2014 10:01

Don't settle, it won't end well for either of you.

CeeloWeevil · 23/11/2014 10:02

I've just ended a relationship for just that reason, happy. The guy was really nice, but I just didn't fancy him, and after four months I reasoned that that wasn't going to change.

Original poster
happyandsingle · 23/11/2014 10:04

I'm really bad at letting someone down so I tend to go along with things through fear of hurting someone's feelings. I've been treated like crap myself and no how that feels.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/11/2014 10:06

What's worse - ending a relationship because you aren't into them or stringing them along for years because you are bad at letting people down?

I think stringing someone along for years is much worse than putting a dying relationship out of it's misery.

Would you really just continue in a relationship with someone you aren't actually attracted to, just because you are fearful of hurting their feelings?

Original poster
happyandsingle · 23/11/2014 10:13

I just feel it's going to be a shock for him for me to suddenly end things as I always appear quite happy with him and he will probably wonder what he did wrong. What's the best way to finish things text him a message,meet in person.
It's only a month in so it's still at the very early stages.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/11/2014 10:13

I've had more 'nice but....' boyfriends than I care to remember and always walk away. It's just wasting everyone's time waiting to feel some spark of attraction and it's very unfair to string him along if it's not there. He'd probably have been a good friend but you need more than that in a lover

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/11/2014 10:15

Finish in person. Be kind about it without setting up false hopes. 'It's not working for me' is all the explanation you need.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/11/2014 10:17

Oh come on - it's in the first month. It's hardly going to be a shock! That's the point of dating, you find out whether you like it or not.

In the first month, no need to meet up. Just call and say it isn't working for you.

aylesburyduck · 23/11/2014 10:19

The only thing you can do is be honest with him and end the relationship.

I agree with you that sometimes sparks can be slow to ignite but sometimes they just never do. Keep searching for spark.

Original poster
happyandsingle · 23/11/2014 10:22

Would you say that a month is giving enough time to find that spark? I think deep down I would of felt an instant attraction. Why is it the nice guys are always the ones you don't fancy?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/11/2014 10:24

Of course you have given it long enough. Just DTMFA

makeitabetterplace · 23/11/2014 10:37

This one is a no-go. It's a shame you slept with him even though you didn't fancy him really but maybe next time you'll only continue seeing people you fancy. It's hugely important, as you know. So end the relationship and move on.

fuctifino · 23/11/2014 10:38

Why would you dtd with somebody you don't fancy Confused?

Do him a favour and just tell him you're not that into him.

DollyRocker1 · 23/11/2014 10:42

I don't like letting people down either. I recently had to tell someone there was no spark after 2 dates and he was visibly disappointed but we've kept in touch as friends.

I think if there's no spark by 2-3 dates it isn't going to come. I always thought that chemistry was mutually exclusive so I'm confused when a guy says they feel a spark but I don't. Is there a difference between spark. Chemistry and fancying?

Original poster
happyandsingle · 23/11/2014 10:43

I DTD because I just felt like sex in general and it's been a while but I didn't enjoy it so now understand its pointless having sex without that connection there.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 23/11/2014 10:53

You will be doing nothing wrong if you dump him, as long as you are polite and kind about it. YOu did nothing wrong to have sex with him - having sex with someone can be a way of finding out if you are compatible or not.
Just tell him it isn't working for you and wish him luck with finding someone else. It would be wrong to persist in the relationship, because you will make yourself and him miserable. You will come to resent him and feel repulsed by him for wanting sex, he will wonder why you are so unhappy...

It is not compulsory to have a partner. It's much better to be single until/unless you find someone who is really worth having.

EllaFitzgerald · 23/11/2014 10:53

You definitely have to finish it. You've given it a chance, but if you haven't felt a growing attraction by now, it's unlikely you ever will.

I know it's difficult to upset someone, but keep reminding yourself that you both deserve to be happy and if you carry on seeing him, you'll get to the stage where you can't bear him touching you, and that's not fair on either of you.

I'd do it by phone call. Texting is just harsh if it's been more than a couple of dates.

Seriouslyffs · 23/11/2014 10:57

Get off pof and do some work on yourself. I'm really shocked that you slept with him without fancying him, but more so this statement:
I'm really bad at letting someone down so I tend to go along with things through fear of hurting someone's feelings. I've been treated like crap myself and no how that feels.
Of all the situations you could have ended up in (genuine congratulations for recognising it, btw) you've got off lightly.

Original poster
happyandsingle · 23/11/2014 11:04

Not really sure what your trying to say seriously but I can assure you I was not forced into DTD like another post said it was a way to test if there was any chemistry between us but sadly there wasn't.
But I agree I need to be more firm about saying how I really feel as I do worry to much what other people will think and need to consider what I really want as well

OP posts:
MadeMan · 23/11/2014 11:06

"Is there a difference between spark. Chemistry and fancying?"

I usually think of the spark and chemistry as being pretty much the same thing; just clicking with someone and getting on really really well to the point of smiling all the time. In my opinion it's different to actually fancying someone and wanting to have sex with them although sometimes they go together.

Fancying is about wanting sex and not neccesarily about getting along with, or clicking with someone in my opinion.

happy, if you don't fancy the man and aren't attracted to him then you might as well let him go free.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/11/2014 11:06

He's a nice man and has treated you decently. Now treat him decently back and let him go.

Dating is testing to see if you're compatible. You're not. After only one month of seeing him you are not in danger of breaking his heart. Be honest. Be kind. That's it.

DollyRocker1 · 23/11/2014 11:08

I thinking kissing is usually enough to test the chemistry.

HumblePieMonster · 23/11/2014 11:14

There isn't a problem here.
"Thank you, but this isn't working for me. Goodbye"

Vivacia · 23/11/2014 11:16

You're doing him a real disservice here. I'm sure he'll recover quickly enough.