Was I too cruel?

[Benromach]

I've been with my DH for 18 years, married for 11. Must admit to it not being great on my part. He is oblivious. Anyway my 10 year old DD wanted to stay up later tonight to watch some tv with her grandparents who are visiting (DH's parents). I thought fine. She doesn't see them often. Her younger sister went to bed beforehand. Her dad took her to to brush her teeth etc and I thought she'd be down after. But no. Her dad told her to stay in bed. So I went to chat to her and she said her dad was grumpy and told her it was bedtime. I was annoyed then asked her what she preferred, a grumpy dad or no dad :( can't believe I asked her but she's savvy. She said grumpy dad. Now I feel awful for asking her, making her feel like keeping her grumpy dad happy is normal, etc surely it shouldn't be so hard. He won't change. I've tried. We do tred on eggshells here but we have an ok life and I don't want to spoil it. My kids are happy. Although after tonight I do think my eldest can see through that and is trying to appease. Not sure what I'm asking for in response but have to get it off my chest. Don't really have anyone in RL to talk to about it.

Are you saying that you've settled for what you've got, and asking whether this is ok ?

The phrase "we do tread on eggshells" is a bit worrying. If you do it to keep the peace in your marriage that's one thing, but why are your children feeling the need to do so, that's very stressful ?

It's not 'no dad' when parents split is it?

You've asked the wrong question.

You put her in an awful position.

In the future, do you want her to be in a relationship like yours?

It's not 'no dad' when parents split is it?

This

You should not have asked her, but I think you know that. She gave you the response that almost every 10 year old would give in similar circumstances. It must feel like a huge responsibility to think they can be a part in such a decision. It is not up to her anyway. You probably need to spend some time looking at the situation as a grown up and making some important decisions, for you and your kids, by yourself (or with support).

Joysmum is right, it's not "no dad" (unless you're planning on burying him under the patio!) You can end your relationship with him and your DCs can continue to have a meaning relationship with their dad. He'll just live elsewhere.

Oh. Your poor little girl. If she expresses any unhappiness she's told to just suck it up or daddy will go away for ever and how would she like that? it's not fair to make your kids ask for something you're too weak to give them. BTW My XDP was asked by his mother if he wanted her to leave their father. The relationship was abusive but obviously he said no because little kids always want their parents to stay together. He feels guilty to this day, even though he recognises that she put him in an impossible situation - split up his family or ask his mother to stay with someone who beat her.

Honestly, OP, when things have got to this point, you should think seriously about splitting up.

That was a very unfair thing to ask a child. If you split up with him now, whatever explanation you give, she's going to think she's responsible. Whatever is going on in your marriage deal with it as a mature adult.

Thanks. Yes it was unfair of me to ask her but it's one of those final straw moments I suppose. He does that often with the kids. He's happy, having a laugh with them etc then suddenly he decides they're going to bed or whatever and just shouts at them, no reasoning, discussion just shouting :( it's not fair on them. In general he's grumpy. He's getting worse the older he gets. We never have a laugh but we are a good team when it comes to the kids/house etc. I never thought of it like grumpy dad/not live in dad. I'm not strong enough to kick him out though. I'd be fine on my own with the kids but big changes like that are really difficult. He'd be totally shocked if he knew I was thinking that. I just keep quiet as anything I say he takes it as a dig when most of the time it isn't. I know life is too short to be unhappy...

If you're not strong enough to do something, it's OK to ask for help. It's horrible living with a bully and it's depressing watching your DCs being bullied. You do have choices but you may need outside support to take up the opportunity

You do need to start planning ways to get this man out. You are standing by while he bullies your children - please get help for their sake.
And bear in mind that your eldest is 10 and soon your children will be teenagers - and what will this prick do when they are big enough to assert their own opinions and refuse to go to bed just because he tells them to? Will he shout louder? Cut off their pocket money? Break their possessions, hit them, lock them in their rooms?