I want Exdp th have shared residency of dc...he doesn't. How to go forward?

[Levismum]

Exdp & i split up 3 weeks ago. We have 4 dc. 13, 9, 6 & 9 month old baby.

I want Exdp to share custody, ideally 50/50. He doesn't want to.

He wants to have the dc every Sunday. 11-6pm.

We can't find a way forward. I'm furious thst he has so little interest in the dc. I don't see why he should get away so lightly. I will end up dealing with everything to do with the dc.

Currently our 6 year old is under going assessments for an EHC plan but Exdp refuses to attend the meetings as it's 'not in his time'.

How did other separated parents resolve custody issues?

Yes the boys have Personal Budgets for restpite. I add to it when the budgets run out.

I haven't actually been in this situation but I don't think shared residency is a good idea. How would children get into a proper routine when they spend half the week at one house and half at an other. It wouldn't be an arrangement I personally would like whether I was a child or a parent. But it works for some people.

Also I think you have to take into consideraton the work commitments of each parent. And have you done the majority of the childcare up till now. Childcare for four children is no mean feat and I'm not surprised you want help and support. Hope things work out.

Yes Susan, that's a good way to look at it. Tomorrow he's taking just the girls. It's the first time he's taken any of the dc since we split. He's meant v to start paying maintenance from tomorrow too but we'll wait & see.

The older boy is in a special school. The younger one is about to be pernamently excluded from mainstream. We don't haveany contact with tthe GP as no medical complications.

The older one is under Camhs but in all honesty they dish out meds nothing else!

Younger one is being assessed but no help as he's no diagnosis or EHC plan yet.

OP, I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to express my sympathy. You sound exhausted and hopeless and trapped - and no wonder. I am constantly amazed at how parents can waltz away from their children without a backward glance - my father did the same. I really hope you find a way of getting some respite.

Vivienne- I've done just about everything in every respect that's why the relationship broke down. Exdp is self employed as i am. He works how & when he chooses. He could work around the dc if he chose to.

It would take some organising but of course it's possible. I think it's a much fairer & positive way for children to be raised rather than hardly knowing one parent.

I'm being selfish as i want some quality of life. I think if Exdp knew the reality of life with 4 dc he would be a better person for it. I would too as I wouldn't be totally exhausted. I've got 3 dc who don't sleep well & some nights I get no more 2/3 hours of unbroken sleep. I crashed my car last week due to tiredness!

Funny how people talk about equality & women's rights but when it comes to residency it's nearly always given to the mother.

Op I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.

Have you sought legal advice re money.
You can't force him to take the children but could you split the cost of a live in nanny? Obviously they wouldn't be able to entirely replace the contribution a decent parent would make but would at least give you an extra pair of hands, potential for occasional over nights, a little bit of flexibility about working hours.

Hi Op,
I don't post often but wanted to offer my thoughts (im also feeding a baby who doesn't want to sleep)
. I really really get you need him to do his share. (Have been a single mum ) but shifting 4 kids, 2 with sn and a baby between 2 houses would be hard work and disruptive surly? .
Could a small flat be rented between you and you each get to spend 1/2 week (whatever is agreed) there while other looks after kids in their home? ?
I know it's not the norm and maybe only a short term fix but maybe you need to think outside the box a bit.
Sent with

I'm sorry op . It's shit.really shit. I wish people, parents , couldn't opt out. They unfortunately can. Fwiw, my brother is in a similar situation- nephews mum left, and has him for a joy ride once a week, is demanding Christmas Day, but never does the hard graft. Criminal. I believe in time she will be judged not just by me, but by her children, and she will be found wanting. Such is the case for your children and their sorry excuse for a father. It's not fair. You should feel disgusted and let down by him. But you can cope- you have obviously been and are a wonderful mother, and are clearly desperate for respite, which you deserve. He isn't a wonderful father.

Thanks. We don't have space for a Nanny. I've already converted my dining room into my bedroom do the boys don't have to share.

Exdp won't give me a penny more then £200 per month. He has no interest in, what he percieves as ' making my life easier'. He's not rich but £200 is a joke. He's almost no money on paper. He has a very sneaky & clever accountant. I never knew what he earned & still don't!

I was thinking outside the box when I came up with the 50/50 residency as that way he wouldn't pay any maintenance but i could work more so be better off.

I wouldn't shift the children between the 2 homes more they would have doubles. Well that was my plan but he's not going to do it so there's nothing I can do but get on with it, by myself.
I just felt like i seen light at the end of the tunnel when i originally thought of it.

To give you an idea i haven't been out socially in over 4 years! The idea of going for a coffee or a night out is absolute luxury!

Oh Op it must be crushing yto see a light only for it to be snuffed out before you get close. Deep breath. You can do this.

You have some ( paid) child care in place right? ? Could you not treat yourself to a few hours off once a month? Would he 'babysit' (his own kids grrr) once a week?
There is always more than 1 way to skin a cat as they say. (Ex h had SHL and SH accountent took me yyears to get maintenance and regular contact including several court cases. I wanted 50/50 care but he had 100 reasons why he couldn't.

It's still very days. Things will change with time. He may feel different in a few weeks.
Best of luck, you sound like you're doing amazingly well. Xx

Thanks pregnantpause & rosiedays.
I shouldn't have started the thread.
I just need to such it up & get on with it.
It just made me so angry last night...Still after nearly 5 hours sleep, I'm ready to run again!

Don't feel bad for starting the thread. I cannot imagine how you must feel. I am a single mum to one child and though my ex does have access, just one day a week but I do get alone time to go college, or meet up with friends while dd is in nursery.

Hold on.

Is there a particular reason why the boys can't share?

Levi's mum, don't feel bad for starting this, or for feeling overwhelmed by the burden your kids place on you. It doesn't mean you don't love them well enough!

Of course ideally our kids would bring us nothing but joy and any hard times would be a quick phase that 'you'll miss when it gone' but that is not reality for you or many others whose kids are unlikely to be fully independent.

There will be ways of making it easier keep posting, here and in special needs so you can get advice from posters who have been ion your position and survived.

You have to find a way to bring in more help, you should not be shouldering this burden alone.

Can you partition one of kids rooms/ the dining room and squeeze you or one of the kids in to make room for a live in nanny?

What about a day time only nanny to help with the crunch times like getting ready fir school/bed etc they could do a work pattern of say two morning one full day and two afternoons to maximise the help but minimise the cost/ travel time for nanny. You would have at least one daytime period a week to book apps, catch up on sleep, go out etc.

How about brining in help with other tasks while you work out child care, would a leaner take off some of the pressure?

Funny how people talk about equality & women's rights but when it comes to residency it's nearly always given to the mother.

It's given to the parents that ask for it, or those who don't abandon their children.
You could take them and dump them at his or simply walk out of your home when he comes by.
Or hand them to an institution.

Nobody forces parents to be parents.
It's in your heart to do the best for your children, or it isn't.

With that in mind, you could imagine that he has died and it's on you now. :(.

Yes you should of posted this. Sometimes the safest place to express this stuff is anonymously.

He sounds disinterested in helping in any way. I would work on what you are most likely to get...£200 a month for a Self employed guy sounds appalling.

Do look into WTC you should be entitled to that if you work 16 hours a week. DLA for your children. THe DLA should increase the WTC I beleive

They are his children. It is lovely to take 2 but leave 2 which gives you no break at all.

I feel for,you, OP

oops, posted too soon.

I know exactly how you feel.

I am in a marriage which is not great. 3 dc, 2 (probably 3 - 3rd is under investigation) with severe SN.

I cam close to ending it all a couple of years ago, and dh backed away from that, as he realised I was deadly serious when I said 50/50. Like you, it would be my only chance at having any sort of life.

We bumble along, but it isn't good. It will end sooner or later, and then I have no idea what I will do, as he will have them every other weekend, and a 2 week holiday in Summer. Shirk most of the daily grind, but insist on exactly half the high days and holidays and fun times.

I will want to insist on 50/50, not because I don't,love my dc, but because I would not be able to cope with going 2 weeks caring for them on my own, with little other contact.

Add to that not wanting to send the dc somewhere where they aren't really wanted, and will feel in the way, and I'm stuck. For now.

It's shitty, but I just wanted to say that I understand why you feel as you do. You are not alone (cold comfort though that may be)

Hey. What you're feeling is completely normal. Wanting to have your own life and expecting your ex-partner to take care of your children as much as you do is is normal, and doesn't mean that you don't love your children. Children do drive you crazy, it's part of parenthood, and your ex-partner should be willing to share that.

However, it sounds like your ex-partner is an utter arsehole. You are going to have to go the legal route, I'm afraid.