stay or go? porn related

[montythepenguin]

My dh has had a long running porn problem. Emotional affair via a chat room, lots of web camming, he joined adult friendfinder, and now last month I found out he has been on porn phone lines (live Jasmin?) He is very nervy with real life sex, has had ED for years. When I have discovered things he always apologises, lots of tears and i'll never do it again.....etc

I so don't want to ruin our children's lives (2 dc) but my feelings have changed and now things are very strained, we are sleeping in different rooms and our sex life has died. I just feel so terrified of splitting, what do I tell the kids? His parents? I found out he called sex line whilst looking after our youngest child and I am disgusted with him. He said she was downstairs it was only 10 minutes but I can't look at him right now.

He is seeking help for what he calls his "addiction" and starts some intensive therapy in the new year, so I feel I need to wait for him to do that. What worries me is that he really is a good guy with a problem and I am going to loose everything just as he finally sorts himself out. Can this ever be turned around once the trust has gone?

mom2k wow, its great (sorry) to hear I am not the only one. I have not chucked him out until now because of small children and a house move and because I have left it, it feels impossible to just say right NOW I have had enough.

I told him over a year ago that my feelings have changed and I still care about him but don't love him in the same way. Last week I told him I was not over it and don't think I ever will get over it and he is in complete denial. He still insists that we can make it work but tbh I have been miserable now for years and I am really noticing how fragile I am feeling and how disengaged and how low my sense of worth is.

Did you have kids with your Ex? Thats the bit which keeps me where I am, if it wasn't for them I would have left ages ago.

OP you don't need a catalyst to separate, you can just tell him that you don't want to be with him any more.

He can make all the promises he wants but all you need from him right now is one thing. You need him to move out to give you space and time to think. If he is that committed to you, that keen to make it work, he should give you this. It's all you need. Tell him that and see what he says.

If he tries to resist it will show that he is still putting what he wants first and not listening to you at all. This in turn demonstrates how he is not prepared to change in the slightest.

On the other hand, if he agrees to move out, to give you space, to respect your wishes and to do whatever it takes to help the relationship, then there might, might be a hope that it will work and that, after a lot of work on himself, and time apart, you could consider a reconciliation, if that is what you still both want.

Ask him to move out and see what he says. That will make things a bit clearer for you.

"Thats the bit which keeps me where I am, if it wasn't for them I would have left ages ago".

You must not use the children as glue to keep you and he bound together so the above is even more reason to ask him to leave - and now. You simply cannot afford also to teach your children that a loveless and failing marriage with no trust like the one they are seeing is their "norm".

No trust = no relationship.

Monty

Can you get the internet cut off? Stop your phone line and give him a pay as you go phone? He will do it if he is serious about stopping.

You have put up with a lot from him. I'm not surprised he has ED if he is basing sexual pleasure on porn and masturbating. Neither of those things are compatible to a Normal sex life. I suspect he has suffered from the 'death grip'.

The trouble with that Quite is it makes her responsible for his behaviour which is very unhealthy. If he wants to change, he needs to do it himself, by himself, for himself.

I have this exact problem. My husband did almost the same thing as yours and has since been diagnosed with MH problems. He goes to therapy every week but it brings up so much shit that's really hard to deal with.
And it isn't a quick fix by any means, it's been nearly 4 months since the problem was discovered and we're still almost exactly where we were then.

I also find that he's in so much emotional turmoil that my feelings of betrayal, grief and anger have to take a back seat so that he can get better. This just makes me angrier. It's a bloody difficult situation, especially when he seemed so perfect before all this started.

I have no trust in my husband now and I honestly don't know if I can ever make this work. Hugs for you, only you know whether you can forgive him. You might think you can and then realise you can't, which is fine.

Monty, you have my sympathy. I've been in a slightly similar situation with my dh. When I was pregnant with DD, my sex drive evaporated as I suffered bad SPD and felt like crap most days. He turned to porn which he knew my stance on... I hate it. He was sorry and promised never to do it again.It hurt like hell because I already felt like shit. He'd also done it previously (I've got a yoyo sex drive) when sex wasn't occurring and it made me feel like I meant nothing to him and wasn't upholding what I should be, which is frigging ridiculous because I'm not here to please his sexual desires when he wants and when I wasn't doing that it was a green light to use porn. I really do feel for you and know the emotional damage it can do and how that broken trust is hard to heal.

I agree with Attila in the fact you cannot base your decision to stay on the kids as staying in a relationship in which there is no love or trust is damaging not just to you but to them too. Only you know the extent of the damage he has done to you and whether or not you can get over this, if you can't it doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you've had enough of the hurt and lies.

Good luck Monty.

Really OP and I feel your pain as I am going through the exact same thing... it is very difficult only my Husband actually got caught on Skout, craigslist, puntersnet and I forgave him. Until I discovered he actually been with prostitutes after a lot of digging around.

Once I got confirmation I asked him to leave, I feel relief, and you may too. Like you I made several excuses for him until I really thought it all through. The sad truth was I was desperately vulnerable and afraid. I got support and am now divorcing him. Some people never change and project their inadequacies and lifestyle choices as if you are to blame. One truth I have discovered over the last week; Some people would rather carry on their lifestyle of choice and lose everything they claim to love, than get help and work on a normal loving relationship.
I carried on for nearly a year, trying to make it work until it chipped away at my self esteem, functioning, and ability to cope.
I wish I had put up stronger boundaries, instead I enabled his behaviour with my own fear of starting over.
Be strong - some of these women work in porn/sex trade out of vulnerability/poverty/trafficking etc. Do not let your love for him blur your self respect, dignity and eventually your own self esteem. Please.
I hope you get some peace to make some better informed choices, and you do have them. Ask for support, there is a lot out there.....

Cogito - "Same as saying he's disgusted in himself - which is clearly untrue - he'd be doing 'the right thing' until the dust settles and he can revert to normal. He knows your fears about upsetting the kids and so forth and he's exploiting that knowledge."

I don't know anything about the man in question here, but neither do you, and so what you say here is really very unfair. Sometimes behaviour similar to what is happening here can be as a result of a compulsion, and so there isn't the sort of conscious, and deliberate, deception that you talk about.

And compulsive behaviour is very often accompanied by very strong feelings of shame and self-disgust, which could be the case here, despite your very flippant dismissal of the possibility.

Having said that, a pattern of compulsive behaviour is very hard to change. Most of the time it doesn't. If someone else's compulsive behaviour is hurting you then you have to make sure that you protect yourself from it, rather than hanging on in the hope that it will get better.

OP, it looks like you no longer respect him because of his behaviour and who could blame you ?

When the respect is gone, there is nothing left

Hi Monty,

Yes I do have children with him. The first time I left him 4 years into the relationship, my daughter was 3 years old, and my son was 19 months. I have just left him officially for the second time (another four years down the road) and they are now 8 & 6 years.

I honestly wish I had stuck to my position to leave 4 years ago. Things got so bad and now my children are only older, wiser, and saw a lot more than they should have been exposed to.

Leave leave leave. I promise you it will be the best thing you've ever done, not only for your self, but your children especially.

I think my kids are the reason I had the strenght to go for good this time. I looked at them and thought "what on earth am I doing? I can't have my daughter grow up thinking it is acceptable to be treated this way, and I don't want my son to turn out like his father." I know I needed to end it but that gave me the final push. I don't want my children emotionally damaged.

I think you know what you need to do too. hug

"Can you get the internet cut off? Stop your phone line and give him a pay as you go phone? He will do it if he is serious about stopping."

"The trouble with that Quite is it makes her responsible for his behaviour which is very unhealthy. If he wants to change, he needs to do it himself, by himself, for himself."

Exactly what Fairenough said. I had all sorts of rules and restrictions in place when I took my ex back, which he agreed to. Eventually he found ways to get around them, no matter how on top of it you think you are, and that is a whole other headache to deal with. It is exhausting. He's a grown man, and you shouldn't have to be his keeper. And in the end he'll end up resenting you on top of being devious and disrespectful. It won't work.

Thank you thank you thank you for all that have taken the time to reply, I so appreciate it.

Atilla I totally agree and realise I have been hiding behind the children. I can only look now to the future. I do not want their blueprint of love and marriage to be this. They love their dad and he loves them and that can still happen when they dont live together. One of the bloody ironies is that you need all your strength to change this kind of situation and being in this situation drains you of your strength and self esteem and leaves you depressed and feeling powerless. I have been emotionally separating from him for a long time, purely out of self preservation and a need to distance myself from his chaos. He is a chronic hypochondriac and is always dying of something! Weirdly he has a very high powered job and is like a different person there. He had a breakdown a couple of years ago so there is always some drama happening.

knittingdad yes it is a compulsion and yes accompanied by guilt and self loathing, it is generally very fucked up but I can't help him (tried) can't change him (tried also) and quitelikely I absolutely refuse to police him (did kind of try but not comfortable with that role in our marriage) I do genuinely feel very sorry for him but my life is as precious as his and I have to remember that, I need to stop concerning myself with his wellbeing and focus on mine for a change.

Can I just ask what the reaction to using phone/internet sites whilst looking after our daughter is? I was horrified. It was not the first time I had discovered this and looking back at our phone records it is happening every so often. He swears he "puts them in front of the telly and just disappears upstairs for ten minutes" He told me "there was no other time" and "he felt horny in the mornings". I am right to be angry about this right?

dreaming I feel your pain, all the luck in the world, I know how you feel.
Mum2k and yoga good for you for getting out and changing your life. It is going to take me real strength and you both obviously have that, thanks for taking the time to write.

I think it won't be long before your DC walk in on him camming or wanking to porn or that they find some of the material he has been using

He does it when he has sole charge of them ? Need a dump, yes go off for 10 minutes. Compulsively use sex sites and God knows what else ? Deal breaker.

Oh yeah that old chestnut - he's addicted = he's selfish, pervy and doesn't give a fuck about his relationship with you - he's cheating, plain and simple and showing massive disrespect to you. If you let it go again, expect another find in the future, he wont change, he wont stop.

I know it's scary but it's doable, just get rid, you wont be able to relax or trust him anyway. There is no relationship, you'd be happier on your own in the long run without worrying about him and his embarrassing side lines.

I think parents nip off to have sex whilst looking after children, so that in itself I don't see as much of an issue, but then for many, porn is a no no whenever.

Needing to sneak off and use porn when in sole charge of dc shows a worrying degree of dependence on it which breeds carelessness and thoughtlessness.

Same could be said of sex when couples do this when they kids aren't in bed.

I don't see it affecting the children or his ability to look after the children.

The material he is using could be found by the dc. If his compulsion is so strong he wil take risks with that.

There is also a massive difference between sneaking off for ten minutes to be with someone you love and fancy, and have a relationship with, and sneaking off for ten minutes to crack one out over a computer screen.

OP there was a good item on this subject on Woman's Hour this morning. Worth getting on iplayer.

His compulsion to use porn overrides everything else, including the supervision of his child. It is more important to him. It's more important than anyone or anything else.

The problem is that, unless he admits that, he is not ready to face up to this problem.