Stress of young children destroying marriage

[Echocave]

I don't know what to do but I'm crying again tonight.
We have 2 young children, the elder of whom is 3 and our relationship is ruined. I think it's my fault. The children are currently ill all the time and the older child has a chronic condition that can be hard to manage although it's not of itself very serious.

We are both older parents who work quite long hours in fairly stressful jobs. To say we are not natural parents is an understatement.

When dc1 was born I was diagnosed with mild PND but in fact I've always been very anxious.

The series of normal, stressful things that happen with young children have left us shouting at each other with me swearing and him really shouting at me. He is not a violent man but I push him with hysteria I think. I have no one in my family to talk to (mother dead but she would have been great). I just hate it so much. We seem to have lost all respect for each other.
I love my children but I don't know what to do and I end every day crying. Thank you for reading this.

I wanted to respond because my circumstances have some things with yours -we have a 3yr old and 1yr old, me and DH are in full on jobs - I haven't lost a parent but me and DH both have a parent with aggressive secondary cancer, so it is just a matter of time. and I wanted to say it is just exhausting, you lose yourself completely. I haven't had the time to process my Mum's illness for instance, and I can imagine it must be impossible for you to process your Mum's loss, even. No wonder you feel awful.

I agree with others that you should be honest now with your GP about depression and get medication if you need it now. Needing it now doesn't mean you always will, I also wonder with your DH whether there is just a way to acknowledge together that things will change as the children get older,but for now to lower the bar a bit. If you barely have time to meet your own needs, of course you aren't going to have a great marriage at this point - fundamentally I absolutely adore my DH but I feel so tired half the time I barely talk to him) Can you be kinder to yourselves and to each other and try to engage with each other as knackered people just doing their best?

Sympathies xxxx

Yes my DH is great about sharing responsibilities of the children. I just need to find some way of coping. One of the side effects of my dc's condition is chronic constipation and she is crying and refusing to sit on the loo again this morning after 2 hours of the same last night. I actually feel really irritated with her.

Oh love you sound like you are at the end of your tether, understandably so.

Young kids are exhausting. So are jobs, and it's ok for it to all get too much. Take action to improve things, for your own sake and your family's.

I would really recommend ADs, I am in a similar situation with a demanding toddler and a 5yo who has Aspergers. I love them and they are wonderful but God, it's hard work. Low dose of antidepressants is making a huge difference to me. Massive. Try them!

We also find time without kids important. Don't have to spend it together at first, just meet your own needs and rest. Massage, long bath, read a book, go to a bar, anything which makes you feel less of the daily "drudgery". Throw money at the problem if you have it, get a regular evening nanny once a week.

We also did a course called "the marriage course" which was 7 evenings (once a week) about building a better relationship. One step down from marriage counseling but with lots of couples. There were no group discussions or anything embarassing. I mention it because they had a really good bit about dealing with conflict and difficult times, and how to positively support one another rather than make the problem worse. Something like that might really help, if your DH would be up for it?

It does get easier, but there are things you can do to make it better sooner. Xxx

Yes I agree that highly strung control freaks don't find being parents easy.....
I have made a dr appointment for after my operation as id like to get through that first. Then we'll see.

Thank you for the tip re constipation. Back on the Movicol sachets. We've had a rather distressed poo in the bath today as that's the only thing that seems to work. Poor little thing

Fear and guilt are classic symptoms of pnd. Have had it with all 3 dcs. Firstly, go to the dr and discuss meds. If you do decide to start taking them, they'll take a couple of weeks to start working. Once, you're in a position to think more clearly, you can start to plan a little bit. Some relaxation time for you every week, time with your husband etc.. This is the hardest time. Things will improve, but you need to be kind to yourself and get any help that's out there :)

And yes, I too am a "highly strung control freak" :D

AND I didnt believe that things would ever get better but they did :)

Thanks Cinders, I've felt fear and guilt most of my life. God knows why, I've had a very easy time (until the last couple of years). I think that's why I hesitated to admit the problem - because of the fact that my personality is the way it is. I just thought it was me being ridiculous.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low, OP. Just wanted to say that my DH and I got very snarly with each other when I returned to work following mat leave (I have a demanding job; but his isn't, so much, and we had none of the other issues you've faced). What helped was making an active effort to be kind to ourselves and each other, reminding ourselves we are both beginners at parenting (DH had this weird idea that as I was female I would automatically know what to do in all tricky DC situations ) and in my case, being honest to my manager at work about how badly I was coping - he did some practical things to help me. Also, have you had your iron checked? My levels had gone very low post-childbirth, creating a range of health issues.

I had three children close together. Was never well. Even had pneumonia and was hospitalised when youngest was 1 and eldest 5. Husband just started his business too. Youngest needed loads of ops whEn he was little as well.
But we got there and raised some fabulous children
Gawd it was tough and I didn't work. Just take one day at a time sweetheart. remember to eat well yourself.
Take some vit d3 . The sunshine vitamin. We are all badly lacking it in this country. As we never get enough good quality sunshine. The magnesium oil spray is very good as that is another mineral we can easily be depleted in it.

The worst thing for depression is to ignore your vits and mins.

Try to rekindle your love for your husband if you can. He doesn't sound like A bad man and if he loves you he's probably worried. Sick about you.

It does get easier and just when it does they hit the teen years and the fun starts again.

I'm a highly strung control freak and the main thing that helped was lots of talking and counselling to work through my stress and anxiety. I worked through each session with my DH so he could support me better, and we also had some relationship counselling to help us communicate better.

Please keep on with the movicol for your DD. It doesn't matter how often she takes it, and if she's more comfortable she'll be easier to deal with and happier. Win-win.

Can you rely more on your nanny wrt the children? And do you think being signed off work for a while would help you?

You need to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Your life isn't easy and there is no shame asking for help.

Citalopram has given me my life back. Nothing to be afraid of at all.