How do I do a "normal" relationship?

[FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle]

Just that really.

My ex was emotionally unavailable.

My relationships since have been unconventional.

I've had a date with a lovely chap and we are seeing each other again. I don't want to scare him off so ... how do you do normal?

Garlic - first off, I thought it was bad form to carry stuff from one thread to another?

Second off, as you would know if you had read my threads, I am indeed contemplating and possibly rethinking my sexual identity.

OK. I apologise. It's only a few days since we were both on a thread where you re-posted the above, seemingly still adamant that 'this is who you are' so I forgive myself for supposing it still is. I hid the thread after a while and may have missed any subsequent musings.

FWIW, I've had to learn what a normal relationship is, for different reasons: having grown up in a dysfunctional household, I was primed for relationships as power battles (to summarise a complexity) and did not actually recognise equal and even relationships. I assumed they all had power imbalances - abuse & counter-abuse - in the background. I learned through therapy, from books, and from paying close attention to functional relationships.

If you're still reading ... mutual respect and consideration are the cornerstones. These things are equal and balanced, not the frantically swerving roller-coaster I'm used to. Imbalances are swiftly & easily corrected. Communication is honest and readily heard on both sides. The partners like each other, as contrasted with the 'adoration' I assumed necessary. Neither partner has a superior position.

Normal relationships are very nice Ime, it takes a lot of practice to get used to the lack of drama, but level ground is better than peaks & troughs. The 'drama' thing might have been different for you - but the equality of power thing will be new - and probably challenging.

To be quite honest, Garlic, you pissed me right off. This is not AIBU it was supposed to be a supportive thread for me, musing about a man I have met and considering what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go with my sexuality and my life.

And you just whaled right in and kicked the boot in. Why?

And I'd already posted a thread a week or two ago in feminism wondering about my sexuality and what it came from. Feel free to search.

I think one of the issues is that you still seem to think in terms of playing roles, so 'playing normal' or 'playing (or being) kink'. But most people don't want to have a relationship with a role, but with a person- which might include contradictory or multiple elements, but has a core of certainty about it. Perhaps having a relationship with this man might sort this out.

If I were dating, I would want this mentioned very early on as for me, I wouldn't want to be with a dom man at all and my only thoughts would be for the door. However, this might not be the case with everyone (and you are not a man!) and if you phrase it as - this is what I've liked in the past but is not necessarily me now, they may be more willing to be open-minded.

I would also be very honest, but I hate lying in relationships so whilst I wouldn't expect you to mention it on date one, I wouldn't want to go into a longer-term sexual relationship with someone who hadn't mentioned pretty fundamental preferences.

Different relationships do bring out different sides of you though, I have a good friend who was in a lesbian relationship for many years, now she is married to a man, doesn't mean she wasn't a lesbian for a decade, but rather that she is responding to the relationship and person before her.

Only you know how embedded this lifestyle is in your persona and how much you could leave it behind if the other person wasn't into it. I wouldn't lie about it though, lying is very destructive. Good luck with it all!

I'm surprised you think I'm putting the boot in.

On this thread, you didn't say why you feel unfamiliar with 'normal' relationships. I felt it was crucial information. How can people support you as you asked, without knowing something about the background?

I've tried to offer the kind of information you requested, with due respect to our differing background circumstances. It doesn't seem to be what you want after all, or what you're prepared to hear. This doesn't make me an attacker; it simply means you don't want to hear what I had to say. That's your right. I have sufficient respect for you not to press a point.

I agree with Hair's post above.

Good luck. I'm hiding this one as well, now. Life's too short.

You can certainly do passive aggressive very well Garlic.

It's quite the skill.

You can't make me say what you want me to say, Helga, in the manner you think I should. It is not aggressive to say I respect your right to dislike what I posted. It is common sense for me to quit a conversation in which I am not welcome.

Nothing I posted was passive-aggressive.

Garlic, if you felt people needed more information about Frau's preferences, don't you think it might have been better form to suggest she give more information, rather than unilaterally deciding to inform everyone on the thread? Bad form, and you seem to have some kind of agenda against rather than wanting to offer actual constructive advice.

Frau, I would agree with Hairtoday. Particularly that our sexualities are fluid to a greater or lesser degree, and you respond to each partner differently. There are things I enjoy with DH that I have never enjoyed with anyone else, and there are things I suspect I would like to do with another partner that I don't do with DH due to his preferences. Equally, we have both changed over the many years we've been together and do things now we didn't do years ago. I would suggest that when you feel that the two of you are ready for a sexual relationship, you have a discussion (at one of your houses - not a conversation for a restaurant, I think!) about what you both like in a sexual relationship.

You might find he has vanilla with raspberry ripple tendencies and that with him, it's enough for you. You might find he's willing to give your way a try (within reason for a "newbie"). Your discussion might reveal that it could never work. OTOH, it might work out, you can't know until you try. And as has been said upthread, you're not getting married, just having a relationship. Just play it be ear, keep it going as long as you're both having fun, stop if and when you're not, and move on with a lesson learned.

I was in a D/s relationship before I met my DH. I thought at the time that it was totally what my identity was and that I could never do vanilla. I was wrong. I don't really have any answers for you, I don't know what changed but I do know that I'm more happy and fulfilled than I ever thought possible. I used to look at vanilla relationships and think 'they don't know what they are missing'. I was wrong.

I really thought I had offered constructive advice! I even explained my perspective. I'm evidently no use here, anyway, so will keep my promise.

Tbf to garlic, it is pretty essential that posters know that about you when trying to give advice in this situation.
There's no prettying it up really. It's a bit more serious than 'preferences'!

Fwiw, I didn't realise that's what someone was, I thought you would become that within in a relationship.
Shows what I know!

While we're doing "thread about threads", though, frau, I will say this. You are (understandably ) bubbling away about your date with this guy on at least 3 different threads. I'm glad your date went well and you feel a connection, but it was to only one date. Is it not perhaps a little too early to be reconsidering your whole sexuality based on one date (though I do recognise you were already giving the subject some thought before the date). I know it's hard to not get carried away with the happy "what ifs" of a new relationship, but it's very early days and I worry that you're investing too much of your time and emotional energy into this man already. Relax, enjoy, don't over think it!

NoArmaniNoPunani, makes an interesting point I think about how relationships evolve naturally between the people involved, and that is in effect what a "Vanilla" relationship is. That doesn't in any way limit that relationship to the extent that all sex will be forever vanilla. So, I think there are two things here, the relationship and the sex. First, a relationship evolves or doesn't according to the people involved and more has to be considered than just sexual preferences. Second, non-vanilla "relationships" tend to be about sex and all that is being negotiated is sex and it doesn't really matter if one likes knitting and other likes clubbing. When thinking about a relationship there is rather more than just sexual preferences.

However, I am not convinced that one can simply re-think their sexual inclinations. And only you know whether you get anything out of vanilla sex even if it is with someone you really fancy and have a connection with. Its something that people struggle with all the time. Most of the Doms I have known have had unsuspecting wives, and children proving that many people on the scene live a double life. Trying to find a life partner with similar preferences is probably like trying to reach the pot at the end of the rainbow.

agree with Minx, it's a needle in a haystack to find a partner who you love and respect AND who also shares your kinks if these are serious kinks.

I think OP wants to try a relationship based on love, respect rather than continue with relationships based on D/S which were always primarily about the sex. With Doms and Subs especially, the kink is likely to be stemming from an emotional issue (hidden or not) and OP freely admitted that she was a 'headfuck' (sorry for quoting, I'm not criticising at all. Often real love and a compatible partner (emotionally) can help balance the emotional issues which then leads to the kinks fading a bit , or a lot. It's worth trying to form such a fresh, genuine r-ship, but I still think you need to tell him early on, OP, just without going into detail or as to how extreme you were, just state it as a fact after a couple of dates - I'd say after you are sure you like kissing him as a start.
If he's right for you for LTR he will want to try and see how it goes and will give you time and space to adjust, but he will know that you might not adjust which is honest and fair on him. Dropping a bombshell later on will ruin trust.

Op herself said she expected everyone to already know about her sexual preferences from previous threads.

Bit of a jump to then get all wounded when content from previous post is brought up when it directly relates to this one. All a bit over dramatic IMO, but then that is my overwhelming impression from my foray into D/s during my twenties!

Think Garlic was offering some pretty sound advice.

And Hairtoday is spot on. Stop all the silly posturing, if you're dommeliness is a role then try just being yourself seeing as this guy isn't someone you've met through Fet or wherever. If you feel being dominant is just a part of your character then he'll soon decide if you're his cup of tea or not.

It's really not that big a deal, you're massively overthinking it.