Argument with friend

[Thomcat]

You may or may not know that I 'split up' with a friend a while ago. I saw another side of her and she shocked me by how petty and nasty she was. Anyway, we've had no contact for a month or so, we saw each other at our book club meeting but didn't even look at each other - horrid.

Anyway a mutual friend rang on Tuesday to ask if I;d received an email from this 'friend'. I explained that i'd blocked all emails from her so no I hadn't. She explained that this 'friend' had emailed me to offer the olive branch and ask me and D for dinner. She said that she'd explain I hadn't got the email and that I'd get another one soon.

Haven't heard anything though and wish i didn't know anything about it because now keep wondering when she'll get round to re-eamiling me and what she'll say and what i should do then!!!!!

Uggghhhhhhhh!!!

Difficult situation Thomcat. I think you need to decide is she really a 'true friend'. Also do you realy still want her friendship and are you willing to forgive and forget.
I know by my own expereince that sometimes you have a friend and then see another side of them that you don't like and shocked how they are.
I don't know your circumstances why you and your friend ' split up' but just ask yourself one thing, do you still want to be friends with her if the answer is yes forgive and forget and contact her. If the answer is no just move on and meet other friends. Hope this helps! Larsxx

I'd give her another chance if only because it must have taken a lot of humility to step down and apologise - although would have bit a bit more grown up if she had phoned or just popped round!!

Ummm, think as we share a LOT of the same friends I can't really refuse her email olive branch!! Bit of a cowards way out and I would have been happier just to leave it and then if we saw each other out at a social gathering we would have just had to deal with it. I don't really feel like forgiving her at all right now, but will wait and see what sort of olive branch it is. I'll let you know!

I know that your friend has got pretty nasty lately Thomcat, but it could be that she really does want to apologise/make things up, but has now lost her nerve.

If you think there may be something worth salvaging, I would contact her. If there is anything that you feel you should apologise for then do that (but don't apologise if you don't mean it), if not just say something like "I think all this has got out of hand..." . Even if she doesn't reply with an apology, then this may at least make things more comfortable for you both.

Yes, I remember reading about this horrible situation Thomcat, and how upset you were when it first happened. It is possible that whatever your friend did has spoiled your enjoyment and trust in her too much for you ever to be close again. It is possible that she may be able to offer both an explanation and apology which enables you to heal the rift. Bit in any case, some form of communication may help you to resove the ikky situation you are in at the moment, given that you have shared friends and interests.

You COULD e mail her and say you were sorry you missed her message, but would like it if she re-sent it. Then, depending on what she says, you could agree to talk. I don't think you should plunge straight into a group dinner, as it may be that your conversation needs to be more of an adult understanding to end your intimate friendship, but in a civil way that doesn't make events like your book club unbearable.

P.S Did you ever say what it was she did?

Oooh, TC, tricky...

I remember how upset you were at the time. Can you manage to put the "petty and nasty" thing behind you? You are both part of a big circle of friends, aren't you, so it would be easier if you were at least on speaking terms.

Twinkie's right, it will have been hard for her to apologise - am assuming that she is the one in the wrong! - actually she may not have apologised come to think of it, offering the olive branch doesn't have to mean that! I would wish I hadn't been told too.

Sorry - no help at all!

I can?t really expect you to comment without knowing a bit of the history. Didn?t really want to go into to much because it feels wrong and disloyal somehow, it?s our personal argument, but basically she wrongly accused me of something. She was bang out of order but I let it go when she apologised, after I swore on L's life that I hadn't done anything.

We also had a bit of a row a couple of months before this accusation after I rang her to see if we could get together on this particular night cos I was feeling a bit rubbish. She said she couldn't see me cos she had all the girls over! I was upset with her over that and was a bit off the next day. I then decided to try and make it better as didn't like the fact that I?d been off with her but she was so annoyed with me for being off with her that the situation escalated and it all went pear shaped.

We gave each other space for a while and then I just started asking her back over for dinner and stuff, just trying to be normal again.

It was obvious she was still being off with me.

Then a mutual friend said that she thought it odd I hadn't been round at 's last night as everyone else was there and how come I wasn't and she'd asked if was not talking tome and nobody said anything.

I rang * to clear things up and was just shocked at how nasty she was. Couldn't understand how she could turn like that and I had thought we were getting back on track.

Anyway, after being accused of something stupid / outrageous / pathetic in the first place, and then being spoken to and treated like s**t I decided to have nothing to do with her.

Everyone else in my / our lives thought it was a power thing. She was trying to be queen b, was jealous of me etc. I?m not sure about that, I don't know why she did what she did and why she let things get so bad. Things she said and did and the way she acted were a total shock to me and I really don't understand it.

Anyway, this olive branch has now been mentioned and if it's got an apology with it then I think I need to be mature and accept it. Trouble is I still feel a bit too peed off to say the least at how I was treated. D and my bf's are very cross with her too, and that?s a bit of an understatement!

We can never be the friends I thought we once were, I've seen a very real and very unpleasant side to her personality and I can't pretend that doesn't exist can I.

It does sound like a power thing, TC. Well, if she apologises, then you can accept the apology and be cordial, but armed with the knowledge of what she can be like you're not vulnerable to her any more.

If she doesn't she can stay stuffed!

I agree with JanH! TBH it doesn't sound as if you are ever going to be close with her again - if it was me, I wouldn't be. And it may well be that she is doing the thing with the Olive Branch because she sees it as a route to avoid any criticism amongst your mutual friends, and to make sure she regains 'innocent' status - so it may be worth being wary. But if that IS her tactic (what a nasty suspicious mind I have), you can only maintain your own self-respect and integrity through cc (controlled cordiality).

Thomcat a similar thing happened to me with my friend. Got accused of something that I didn't do which she did apologise for. But she was only covering her own tracks turned out she was having an affair - Big shock I can tell you. We didn't speak for a long while. Now everthing has gone pear shaped for her. But I still was very hurt that she blamed me for something I didn't do and also all the lies involved. So I know how that feels. All I can say is that our friendship was never the same again. We speak if we see each other but that's about it just polite conversation really. But we never meet up for coffee and out two dd's were really good friends and unfortunatley that changed that too. If you want to be friends still, then you must decide before it's too late to salvage the friendship . larsxx

Thanks girls. Interesting that you were in the same situation Lars. I can't believe she accused me of this thing in the first place and then that she didn't make any attempt to make any ammends, apart from one 'well if you're telling the truth then i apologise' apology (even thought I swore on L's life!)

Blu, I thought the same sort of thing tbh. I wondered if she was trying to come out looking like she was the one who wanted to make friends?? Horrible thing to think but just a bit wary of her now, it's so sad

Oh this is tricky. Falling outs are horrible and sometimes the friendship can't be fixed. When thing have been said, even apologising for them doesn't make them go away, they're still 'out there'. I know what you mean about wishing you didn't know about the email. IF she does email again (and tbh, I don't blame her for doing that rather than ringing you) I'd arrange to see her on her own for a good talk, somewhere neutral. Even then, I doubt the friendship will be the same if it can be salavaged at all. Good luck.

Maybe she's been getting a bit of flak from mutual friends (or at least a fairly cool shoulder) and feels that she should make it obvious that she's offering the hand of friendship.

I suppose it depends on whether you want to let this person back into your life again. If she can do this once, what's to stop her doing it again? Also, as there has been so much bad feeling, even if you accept her apology, will the friendship ever be the same again? It seems a little odd that she would ask someone else if you'd received her email (she could have sent a read receipt) rather than picking up the phone and asking you directly. Seems a little public to me.

Perhaps you should accept her email if she resends it and then base your decision on what she actually says in it.

You can't always get a read receipt though and sending one again may seem desperate?

I appreciate that, but there are ways of checking these things out which don't involve asking people who wouldn't necessarily know. It just smacks a little of publicising her actions, iyswim.

TC, I agree with blu. It sounds as if she wants to be seen to be doing the right thing in your circle of friends.

Or maybe (getting devious myself now) there never was an email, and she didn't expect the mutual friend she told to ask you, just thought she'd get sympathy because you had "ignored" her and credit for trying to make up!!!!

Ooooh, we don't like her, do we?

(We like you though TC )

Been in this sort of situation too TC, except noone else believed she could be quite such a bitch. They soon found out tho, when she moved onto the others. Now she has no friends, and I have nothing to do with her.

This all sounds so familiar - I had a very good friend like this once. She accused me of something I didn't do I (or did to a lesser degree than she said) but she blew it up and made a big fuss about it and I beleive told mutual friends some untrue and horrible things about me. I saw a new, nasty side to her. I broke off contact but as we still had connections, we bumped into each other from time to time. I determindly ignored her.

Then one day I accidently found out some information that would get her and her son rehoused in a better place. I felt it was too mean not to pass the news on and phoned her. That broke the ice and much against my partners wishes, we became best friends again. I did try and keep my distance and was not so trusting, but she seemed genuinely sorry for the previous misunderstanding and there was absolutely no edge to her, so I relaxed. I introduced her to lots of new friends and she became part of our new social circle. That was a big mistake. Two years on (two years of great friendship I might add) she accused me of something else (but similar) and the nastiness returned out of the blue.

I was just one of dozens of au pairs, colleagues and friends that she p*** off in the time I knew her - I wondered how come she always had new people in her life and how she was always falling out with them. She's also fallen out with the new friends I introduced her to. Now I think I know why. I think she has a problem about getting too close to people - like a death wish when friendships get to cosy. I should have realised this the first time round. As it was, I had to learn a second, more painful lesson.

So my advice is don't get sucked in again. I think it's really insensitive of your ex friend to involve a third party in this as a go between btw. As someone else said, I think there's a really good chance she did not send the email and is getting the friend to test the waters with you. Whatever, her tactics are so childish - she is still blowing up the problem between you, not trying to resolve it. This is a matter between her and you. She knows where you are, she sees you at book club meetings. She could surely find a way to start waving an olive branch at one of these meetings - just get you alone for a minute and say something nice. If you really feel like it, you can smile and say hello when you next see her - but don't get get drawn in.

LOL Janh!!!!

Well you girls have all confirmed what D and my 2 v closest friends think, esp re the making mutual friends believe she's being oh so generous and wonderful in offering the olive branch. The email she was supposed to have sent was meant to have offered us a dinner invitation on Easter Saturday so strange I only got to har that it was set on Wednesday. It's very interesting. Thanks AGAIN for all your support and advice etc. Will let you know what happens, if anything. Have got book club meeting, round here!, on Tuesday night so watch this space!

Thanks a lot quiet girl. I must have been typing my last post at the same time as you. Sorry you were in such a horrid situation yourself but it''s nice to have someone who has been where I am and understands. Will remember your warning

I also don't think you should get sucked in again and, no doubt, she will piss on her own chips again along the line BUT I also think you should make this decision and not talk about it with anyone once you've decided, never act as if you care at all - be indifferent (at least publicly).

Thanks Davros, and i think you're dead right.
LOL at pissing on chips - never heard that one before