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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Panicking that he's pulling away

51 replies

Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 17:02

Relationship of about ten months that has been really good. We normally fit seeing eachother around my shift work so a couple of nights a week he doesn't come round and stay over. Out of the blue tonight he's called and said he thinks he will stay at his tonight because he's got to go the gym early in the morning. He often has the gym early in the morning and it's never stopped him before. I don't know what to think, it's caught me by surprise and in previous relationships it's usually meant they are working towards ending things.

I really really don't want this ending, I love him, he's said he loves me. I'm panicking tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 17:32

He's met my mum before it's not the first time. But yes thinking about it I can see why he may not want to be here this evening

He is in his late forties

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2014 17:33

He may or not be pulling away but the quickest method of pushing someone away is to appear clingy. If you think he's dodging the evening with Mum and is applying double standards then remember it for the next time he has some family thing he wants you to tag along to. :) Otherwise enjoy the space

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/11/2014 17:34

Have you stayed overnight with his family?

Sunday lunches are a bit different to a lazy Friday night in with nothing planned.

PacificDogwood · 21/11/2014 17:36

Do you enjoy your own company? I appreciate your unwell mum is there, but normally do you like being on your own?

Have you had spells of living on your own and NOT been in a relationship? How do you like that?

Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 17:37

Yes stayed there after a family BBQ and meant to be over Christmas, but point taken. I absolutely hate feeling clingy and it's not something I normally show but I'm afraid I probably did seem off with him tonight

OP posts:
fairypond · 21/11/2014 17:37

He might be a bit uncomfortable sleeping at yours with your elderly mother in the house, especially if he doesn't know her. I think that you're worrying needlessly. ( and that's not something I've said on MN before)

Don't make a big deal of this, let it go.

KatoPotato · 21/11/2014 17:39

I'd text or phone and just say you're worried you may have come acorss a bit pissed off with him and you didn't mean to. Just say you've had a long day and sorry for being a moan and you hope he's well and look forward to seeing him soon.

Someone is always about on here to give you a behaviour check if you need it! Be kind to yourself!

Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 17:40

Yes I have lived alone for five years and have time alone. I actually get irritated if there's someone around all the time so it not that. It was the fear he was pulling away when he cancelled. He was here last night and my mum was here and he said he would see me tonight when he left this morning so it came as a shock

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 21/11/2014 17:42

Just tell him that you had a bit of a wobble emotionally and that it's not anything he did wrong, most people will instantly forgive someone being off so long as there is an understandable reason, even if its not accurate.

Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 17:56

Just wondering what changed throughout the course of the day that made him decide to make that call. He told me this morning he would be round.

OP posts:
gunnsgirl · 21/11/2014 17:59

You need to apologise.

You're coming across as way too needy and clingy. He told you he wasn't coming and gave a reason, you questioned him on it. "Don't worry about upsetting me..." That sounds a bit aggressive.

I think he didn't want to be around when you have your mother there unwell, which is understandable. Your behaviour and reaction is rather over the top.
You need to apologise before he sees you as a problem and does disappear off planet, seriously.

LadyLuck10 · 21/11/2014 18:01

He's going to be running in the other direction soon if you keep this up. Given your mums unexpected arrival, he may just feel uncomfortable and it would be very understandable if he doesn't want to come around. This is the only thing that's changed.
You really need to address this insecurity because you are coming across too needy already.
I really can't see how he's pulling back at all.

lemisscared · 21/11/2014 18:01

He doesn't want to come because your mother is there - call him and say, actually you'll see him whenever as it might be better for your mum. If she isn't well she wont be up to small talk.

I was all for saying he was pulling away until i read about your mum being there.

Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 18:09

Ok well maybe I was over the top but I think it was because as I said highly unusual for him and the reason he gave me didn't make sense since it's something he's done for the entire relationship. Maybe he should have been more honest with his reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 18:10

My mums arrival wasn't unexpected she was here last night and so was he.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 21/11/2014 18:14

Maybe he just doesn't want to do two. Nights in a row with your mother there? Perfectly reasonable again.
I'm sorry but if you're getting this worked up over it, then maybe he's picked up and would rather not be honest With you about the reasons.

gunnsgirl · 21/11/2014 18:15

How old are you, you're acting like a 16 year old.

He didn't really need to be more honest with his reasons. We are assuming (probably rightly) its because of your Mum being around, but does he have to give chapter and verse? He told you he wasn't coming round. He isn't too blame, but you will be if you keep this up. Do chill a bit and drop the spanish inquisition.

Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 18:17

I accept I may have been over the top with my panicking however the lie about the reason came before me saying a word so I don't think he's lied because he picked up on anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Pawmygosh · 21/11/2014 18:20

gunnsgirl there's no Spanish inquisition. As I said I accept I overeacted and that's why I came on here to discuss rather than carry on at him

Just because I'm a bit insecure it doesn't mean I'm immature and acting like a 16 year old. It's normal to be alarmed if you feel a change in the behaviour/routine and don't quite know why

OP posts:
Back2Two · 21/11/2014 18:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

gunnsgirl · 21/11/2014 18:27

Yes it is normal to be alarmed, but you have to consider your outwardly behaviour.

If there is any hint that he's getting cold feet, it is not a wise idea to comment like you did which would have come across as aggressive.

You need to deal with your insecurity as it is the real problem here. It's a slippery slope. The more you use that as a crutch the more it eats up at you, and the more likely he is to think "You know what, she's hard work. This was supposed to be fun."

Firstly, you need to apologise and secondly you need to analyse your behaviour and thoughts. I don't mean this as nasty criticism. I mean it as a healing one, because until you do, holding down a lengthy relationship will be very difficult.

FelicityGubbins · 21/11/2014 18:28

There isn't really a nice way to say " I don't fancy spending another evening in with you and your mum" so he has cast round for a vaguely acceptable reason to give it a miss tonight, it falls into the "no...that dress doesn't make you look like the michelin man" type of lie that we shouldn't do, but actually do come out with.

SnotandBothered · 21/11/2014 18:36

agree with Felicity. The gym excuse was a white lie because it was kinder than saying "I don't really think I want to hang out with your mum for two nights running".

He may have already decided this before he left this morning but he's hardly going to say that he doesn't want to come back round till your mum's gone in whilst you are both standing there.

I actually think an apology might make it worse - more of a 'thing'. I think you just have to be very relaxed and chilled about the next couple of arrangements you make.

Sickoffrozen · 21/11/2014 18:47

Your fear is in danger of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy with your behaviour.

There is very little you can do if someone is planning on ending things. There is much you can to to aid the process and being too needy and clingy is one of them!

Rebecca2014 · 21/11/2014 19:36

Bloody hell give the poor man a break! He doesn't want spend another night sitting with your mother!

Is that such a big deal? just enjoy a night with your mother alone, sometimes its nice to have a break from each other.

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