To what extent should I spend time around DP's ex?

[vitabrits]

It happens around once every one or two months. At family events centred around the older teenage/adult kids. I'm feeling uncomfortable around her, and grumpy and tense for a few hours after. Tonight I turned down sex with him for the first time ever as we've just got back from an event where we've spent a few hours around her, and I just don't want to be intimate with him.

I'm confident of his fidelity. .... when I'm being rational. ....that's my issue though, being a little insecure, and I think I have to separate that from the ex issue.

That's true. I trust my DH 100%, but that doesn't mean I'd be comfortable with either of us being around someone who had made a pass or a suggestion like that. I don't know the circumstances, but I wonder if it was some (sub)conscious thing on her part of making herself part of your 'unit'. You know; DP, you, & her instead of just dp and you. A 'triple' instead of a 'couple' as it were.

I'd think your DP would be glad to have someone who wants to put a bit of distance between himself and her. But I expect it's all down to his children and him not wanting to rock the boat. I'm sure she'll either make a stink or put on a 'poor pitiful me' act.

Crikey.

For the record, I have been with my OH for over 10 years, and have never attended any family parties or shindigs with his ex. And she has never attended any here. I can't see why this is anywhere near a good idea bearing in mind the history.

Have your own parties for them, and let them attend their other parties with their mother. Disengage. The only contact he really needs is pick up and drop off with calls or emails for any other stuff.

Across, I think you're right in that she is very worried about being alone (kids almost all grown up and inevitably will fly the nest one day) and I am worried that she will try to attach herself to my own family unit.

I didn't say this up thread, but the texts from her to my dp about a threesome were sent about 2 or 3 hours after our baby was born. ......(she knew this). The inappropriateness of that timing scared me and is one of the main reasons I felt distance was important.

Funky, thanks for outlining your situation, it's really helpful to know what other people consider works best for them.

Ugh! That's terrible! I suspect she did it because she felt he was 'vulnerable' at that time. New mum = no sex for awhile. Probably thought he would take her up on it, without you. Bleah.

I think mothers do worry about that empty nest thing, single or coupled. I've been there and it is hard when your youngest moves out. Even harder when they move back in!!

I really think you should talk to DP and see if he agrees with you that she is trying to be 'too close' to your family. If so, what he thinks he can do to start separating her. I think a lot of it will have to come from him so you aren't cast as the 'wicked stepmother'.

btw, I do think that DP should never be alone with her. Unfortunately that may mean that you have to suck it up for awhile. Women like her, if they can't worm their way in or begin to realize that they are being 'pushed away', may also be the type to lie to create a 'situation' to get back at you & DP, like saying he came on to her or that he did something inappropriate. Better that there are always witnesses.