Man texting my Wife, advice needed...

[Justanotherguy]

Hi Everyone,

I'm not one to post anything about my personal life but I need some advice regarding my wife who is receiving inappropriate messages from her work colleague.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and we've been together for 10 in total. We are happily married and things are good in our lives, good jobs, nice house, etc but I have one problem which I don't know how to remedy.

To give you an overview first... My wife is a hard working person, she loves her job and although it can be stressful at times she wouldn't be doing anything else. She isn't someone who makes friends easily so when she does she keeps hold of them. She has recently become good friends with one of her male work colleagues who is now apparently one of her best fiends.

The issue is that this work colleague (who has a girlfriend and who my wife's knows) sends her texts every day which I find a bit weird as he does work with her so does he really need to text too? but I know that men and women can be good friends and chat. But I have seen some of the texts that he sends to my wife and they are not appropriate IMHO. His messages have included...Asking her what she is wearing to work the next day and if she can wear a particular dress as he likes that one and other messages asking if she has sex toys, etc. I'm sure there are much worse messages but I don't want to look/know as it will probably make me feel worse.

I know she receives these messages as if I really want to know she tells me what he has written but she shrugs it off saying he's only playing and he's just a typical bloke and there's nothing in it. Now I am very happy that my wife isn't replying to these messages in the way he wants her too, she actually ignores them and tries to change the conversation but that doesn't stop him and she doesn't tell him to stop either.

The issue isn't that I don't trust my wife because I really do!!! But I feel awful and almost cheated on, everytime she gets a text my mind races wondering what he's written. I am right by thinking that another guy shouldn't be texting anything like that to another mans wife let alone a work colleague? Right? Can he just be messing about?

I have approached the subject before and she gets very upset saying 'do I want her to stop being friends with him even though I know she doesn't make friends very often?'. I don't want this as she isn't the problem, he is! And besides she works with him so they would be friends no matter what I ask.

I'm tempted to talk to him directly and ask him what he thinks he is doing, probably at the works Xmas party which is soon. But again I feel that my wife should deal with this not me. Or shall I just learn to deal with it knowing that she doesn't respond in the way he wants her too so there's no real harm done.

Any advice greatfully received.

I don't believe it's typical behaviour. Sounds moré like he's reeling her in as mentioned above and before she realises she'll be in a full blown affair.

This person is not a fríend and if your DW struggles To make friends she needs good quality friends rather than piss poor opportunists with hidden agendas.

Maybe you could try talking To her with that in mind as Well as How she would feel about you doing what he does To one of your colleagues. You could say a friend would have her best interests at heart and what "friend" would think that upsetting a healthy marriage in her best interests?

This man wants to shag your wife.
That much is abundantly clear.
I think she's enjoying the attention, whether she intends to (or has already) do something.
If she wasn't enjoying it she'd have told him to get lost ages ago.
I don't buy this about not making friends easily and not wanting to spoil it.

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your wife sounds like an unassertive person, as many people are socialized to be, and it's hard to tell a man to back off. It takes confidence to not care if they get upset, angry or maybe not want to be your "friend" any more.
This man is not her friend. He's clearly after one thing.

In your situation, a phone call to this guy telling him that you've read the messages and he needs to back the fuck off, would be a very wise course of action.

I was thinking along the same lines as Gilbert.

On the one hand your wife may be enjoying the attention and is considering an affair; on the other, as you say OP that she says she doesn't make friends 'often', she may not have the tools and boundaries to tell him to stop, and thinks she has to put up with it to keep his friendship.

It could be a bit of both.

But he simply wants to have sex with her and is adding spice to his day, that's not a real friend.

You say you are "happy" your wife isn't responding but you don't say you've actually seen that she isn't responding. She tells you what he's written but has she actually shown you the conversation thread?

Can you please clarify OP because I think if you're taking her word that this is the whole story you might be barking up the wrong tree with confronting him

If a male friend was texting me to tell me to wear a certain dress and on the subject of sex toys, knowing I was married etc, he would not be my friend any longer.

you do need to inform her that a god almighty line has been crossed here and that both personally and professionally her situation is being fundamentally undermined

You've had loads of replies all saying the same thing - I agree it's absolutely inappropriate, and definitely not what blokes do. Unless they are seedy creepy blokes with no idea of boundaries of how to relate to women and especially married women.

She may be enjoying the flirtation (that is what it is).
She may be more than just friends with him - emotional affair?
She may realise he's a bit of a creep and just not feel able to pull him up on this behaviour.

In a hobby group DP belongs to, very laddy, very blokey, we sometimes socialise with other local members. With/without wives and girlfriends. There is one man who has a really stupid/sleazy sense of humour. He's offended so many of the women that several now refuse to attend anything he goes to. I can imagine him doing this to women he works with and thinking it's just a joke. And a less confident woman desperate for his friendship also going along with a fiction that this is all just a joke. Is he a really bad, awful man? No. But he's a prize prat. And the other blokey bloke men have had enough of it, and are about to cut him out.

Your wife deserves better friends. Take that angle with her, as well as telling her that this is damaging your relationship, and it's not normal behaviour between male/female friends. How can she make some new friends? Is there something you can start doing together socially to meet new people?

This man, if you can call him that, is Way out of line in texting your wife such inappropriate messages.

she gets very upset saying 'do I want her to stop being friends with him even though I know she doesn't make friends very often?'

I think the answer to this is, yes. She should end this friendship because it is highly inappropriate.

in addition to that, the important point is that this bloke is not a friend.

he's not being a friend to her, or to the op, and her's no friend to your marriage.

draw the line op. make it a deal breaker.

he's just a typical bloke

No he is not. You need to stop this now.

fairenuff I was about to quote the same thing as you!

do I want her to stop being friends with him even though I know she doesn't make friends very often?

She is being obtuse! to which I would be saying,

Yes actually DW, if you and this "work colleague" carry on the way you are, I would want you to stop - and stop playing the guilt card on me!

I worry when people who are work colleagues exchange mobile phone numbers, it can be an open door to someone abusing the privilege. Proximity and frequency of contact can be the starting point to extending "friendships.

A typical bloke? More like a typical cheating bloke!

I think everyone is right.

However I wonder if this approach may work.... You back off and do nothing. The texts come in, you say nothing. You watch your wife and remain food friends with her. Slowly you begin to sense that she no longer likes it. This possibility of a new friend I concerning her. At that point you will achieve your goal.

I wonder if it will come about in time. Nd when she is ready to see what we can all see now. It's good that you trust her. People are going to come along who fancy her. She probably thinks she is safe with men because she has you, so it's supposed to be obvious where the boundary lies. She may need to learn that some men are wolves in sleeps clothing and that they want to push the boundaries. If you don't oush her towards this conclusion, even tho it would be more comfortable for you to do so, you may get your wish in the end and remain on good terms with your wife.

Good luck either way.

How did you get on op?

I think doing nothing is the worse thing you can do.

"I am right by thinking that another guy shouldn't be texting anything like that to another mans wife let alone a work colleague? Right? Can he just be messing about?"

I personally wouldn't be texting any woman that was with another man unless it was ordinary job related or similar texting; to me there's no point and it's just asking for trouble.

Pp has been reported

Mate I know what you are going through , I recently discovered three text messages between my wife who is 50 and a bloke who is 42
Although there wasn't sexual innuendo on my wife's part, he commented about her boobs and wanting to get into her dress
His intentions are clear
Anyway confronted her and she said she felt embarrassed. , It was fantasy and not reality and it won't become physical
She doesn't want the bloke turning up at the time I felt like walking and still do to some degree
She used a fake profile photo but real name but the messages have her FB profile photo on so I m sure the bloke knows she's married
She said she doesn't know anything about this bloke age, where he lives, partner etc
One of his messages said 42 and bored, he also lives 60 miles away
After a lot of soul searching I asked her do you want to continue with this she said yes , the other choice was stop messaging him but in my minds eye that wouldn't last and she would end up sneaking about
So I agreed, weird thing is that she says it felt good in the moment but why the infrequency of messages
I told her to text him on Monday, she did briefly but to my knowledge no further contact
I did manage to look at her iPad online history and one of the searches was hard nipples through a dress, I ll let you take from that what you want
The iPad is now like fort Knox and she takes the phone everywhere
Of course it's all coincidental her doing that
I ve only set one rule and this is to let me know when either of them message, she's agreed to that, so it is what it is
I m very curious to find out the content of any future messages because I just can't fathom out what exactly is going on on her part obviously this bloke just wants sex
Your mind does go into overdrive, who knows what will happen but I m also on tenderhooks when I see her texting

I'd be asking why your wife is allowing this man to send those types of messages !? Is she enjoying the attention ? How disrespectful to you , entertaining him ! Regardless of what she replies, it's the fact she is replying

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 2017

@Pedro67

Why don't you copy and paste your post into a new thread that you start yourself? That will give you a better chance of advice than this zombie thread from 2014. You have legitimate concerns and I can see why you'd want to share them.

Good luck!