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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this will seem odd, was going to change my name but cant be arsed.

21 replies

misdee · 06/10/2006 17:20

things have been wierd round here for ages, lots of talk of what will happen after peter dies if he doesnt get his transplant in time. i asked if he'd want me to move on or wallow in greif forever (kinda joking) he said i'd like you to be xxxx. (he was being serious)

xxxx is one of my best friends who happens to be male. people who know us all, say that if i wasnt with peter then xxxx and i would be perfect for each other. i get on well with his family, know his friends, have known him for years and we do have a great friendship. he is the person i turn to in RL at any time of day or night. he has put up with calls at 2am with me just blubbing down the phone. you get the idea.

but i honestly dont know if i could be with xxxx if the worst happened. its like its too good a friendship to consider such a thing. i love the guy, and he is great, but no. i dont think so.

odd? or normal?

i know there is a higher chance of me never having to move on and growing old disgracfully with peter, but its weird to think about.

that call better come in quick lol.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 06/10/2006 17:22

One of my aunts died slowly of breast cancer when she was in her 50s or 60s. Her widowed cousin helped take care of her while she was dying, and my aunt decided that her husband should marry her cousin. After she died, they married, and were happy.

I don't think it's that weird, and it's understandable for him to think about what might happen after he's gone. Obviously, it's not actually his decision, who you end up with if the worst happens, but it's not unreasonable of him to think about it.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/10/2006 17:22

(Um, and a name change wouldn't be very effective, would it? I mean, you'd have to explain the circumstances, and who else on here has the same circumstances?)

Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 17:23

i know its not his decision, but its odd thinking of my best friend like that lol.

OP posts:
popsycal · 06/10/2006 17:23

a friend of mine's mum married her husband's brother after he died in a similar situation....still together 30 years later

Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 17:24

true about the name change, it wouldnt have worked. lol

OP posts:
MarsLady · 06/10/2006 17:25

One of my friends married a good friend of hers and her late DHs. She already had 3 children and went on to have more with her new DH. Her late DH had said to her that he thought the friend would be perfect for her.

Also.. in the celeb world (not that that is the barometer for we mere mortals lol) Nigella Lawson did just that!

So no, not weird. Just life's way of ticking on I suppose.

Pixiefish · 06/10/2006 17:25

One of my best friends is male and I love him dearly but could never imagine anything like that.

In your situation I should imagine it's fairly normal for you both to think of things like this and Peter obviously feels that this chap would look after you and his girls properly and he has obviously thought about it as he is in such a situation.

as for odd or normal well who knows misdee- your situation is hardly normal in itself is it (please don't take that the wrong way) so who knows how people should behave in extraordinary situations.

let's just keep things crossed for that phone call so that you don't hav eto consider things like that xxxxxxx

Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 17:26

i guess i least i know the sort of person he'd like me to be with. lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 17:27

pixie, i dont do 'normal' hehehe.

this guy is great, i am still trying to fix him up with someone.

OP posts:
Pixiefish · 06/10/2006 17:29

my aunt lost her dh and she married his best mate- they were in the RAF together in NZ (or NZ equivalent of RAF

CalifornifamousFANGjo · 06/10/2006 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandra · 06/10/2006 17:32

I wouldn't worry for that Misdee. One thing at a time, every day brings its own problems to sort up, solve this one when you have to, not before hand. What if you get all worked up about being with your friend and and then Peter gets its transplant and everything is fine.

What is Peter going to do without you if you fall inlove with your best friend???

Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 17:35

oh god, i wouldnt, i mean its weird thinking about it. its that fact that peter would want us to be together if the worst could happen, and its weird trying to think of xxxx like that.

i want to live out my life with peter.

living on a hope and prayer does weird things to relationships.

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 06/10/2006 18:34

I don't think it's odd. Maybe for Peter this is his way of preparing himself for the worst, I guess in a way it's a bit like appointing a guardian for our children - thinking of who he would like you to be with, to look after you and be there for you if he's not able to be - does that make sense?

I can't imagine anyone I'd want my dh to end up with if I went, I can think of a few I wouldn't want him with though, lol.

Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 18:37

oh yes, he has a list of 'do not even think about it'

OP posts:
Blandmum · 06/10/2006 18:45

misdee, all my worrying about ds previous illnesses (the first cancer, the pancreatitis, the 3 wars he has flown in) was driving me loopy and I ended up seeing the community psychiatric nurse.

One of the things that I was beating my self up about was that I was almost constantly worrying about the future, about the kids, where would we live, what would I do, would I carry on working etc etc. And I kept feeling guilty about it.

And the nurse told me that this was all normal and I'd be most odd if I didn't think these things!

Now, I still worry (more today cos dh is ill again, so I'm panicing again!), but at least I have stopped feeling guilty.

What you are feeling is normal chick.

And yes, that bloody call needs to come!

Original poster
misdee · 06/10/2006 18:46

mb, i hope he is ok, when is his next check up?

OP posts:
Blandmum · 06/10/2006 18:51

not until just before xmas (deep joy multi panic in the festive season]

His last check up was 3 months ago and it was fine, no deterioration since the previous sixth monthly test.

But he was ill in the summer hols and he has a urinary infection now.

Now I know that can just happen to anyone.....but I still feel sick with worry. His docs aren't and neither is the local hospital who did bloods etc in the summer. So I should be sensibe, but I'm just a twat sometimes. Most times, if I am honest

MrsSpoon · 06/10/2006 18:51

Was going to mention Nigella Lawson.

DH and I have talked at length about what we would do if the other died, would we remarry etc and neither of us is ill.

indignatio · 06/10/2006 19:17

When my mom knew she was dying she said that she wanted us (3 kids) to be nice to whomsoever dad found after she had gone - she knew (and said as much) that he wasn't someone to be alone. I don't remember (but godmother has told me) my reaction was " of course we will mom - so long as she is suitable !" gf 1 was not suitable - but I was nice - gf2 is wife and lovely - Mom would have got on with her

what I think I am trying to say is that perhaps Peter knows that if he goes, you will be happiest (in time) with someone in your life, rather than being alone. Who you choose is up to you !!

Chandra · 06/10/2006 19:55

Of course I knew you wouldn't Misdee!

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