Don't really know what to do

[20twinningmum]

This is my first post on mumsnet although I've lurked on here for a while. I don't really know what to do or if I'm just posting this to let off steam. Me and my partner have literally just split up, after months of non stop spats that turn into sometimes physical and shouting and slamming and everything I imagined my relationship would never get to. We had twins 9 months ago at the age of 19, I'm back at college and everything is so stressful because of him. I've been I'll with sickness and diarrhoea for three days now and he's just up and left me on my own with them. I lost all my friends after becoming pregnant, I have no one to talk to about my relationship problems and I think partly that's why we're at this point today. I feel so low on the prospect of being alone with two babies and going to college. I feel like a terrible mother; I just feel terrible. I want to make up but I know he's a coward and selfish, I just don't know what I should do. He has so many friends and I have no one. Sorry I just feel like I needed to rant and get this off my chest as disjointed as this all is.

I'm sorry you're so upset. Do you have family that you can talk to? A mum or dad? Why did you lose your friends, do you think? If they didn't like your partner, for example, now he's gone you may find they're really happy for you to get in touch. Please do talk to your GP about the illness and your HV about your concerns of being a lone parent.

As for being a lone parent at college, is there any kind of student services or pastoral care offered where you are? They may be able to help you financially or in other ways.

Do keep posting. There's always a way through.

My mums the type of person to bring up my relationship problems in an argument, as much as I know she's there for me the it's hard to open up to her. As far as friends before I got pregnant we has the same circle of friends, although I always felt like the tag along even though he became friends with them through me because we're so young they're still in the lifestyle of going out and doing what they want (which I can't blame them for) but no one comes round to see me and the babies only if I'm free to go out for a drink so tbh I don't even see that as a friendship. I used to have so many people to fall back on when I was upset and now I know I'm truly on my own. He still sees them when the babies are at nursery at college with me so I know he'll get so much freedom from this split. Since having the twins I think any frustration is taken out on each other, he was awful in morning and often let me be the one to get up with the babies at night. I know psychically I can do it as often he is gone from 5:30am until 8pm with work. I just feel so upset and ill, as much as I love my children I feel so much regret for having them so young and with him and sometimes the burden of having twins feels like too much. I feel so guilty over everything, I would never turn back the clocks if I could because I love them so so much but it's hard not to want to live in the past. I feel awful :(

Darling i'm 41, i have 2 children (not twins) and you sound a-mazing. I know you don't feel it right now, and wiser people will follow with more practical advice but hold your head high xx

Since having them I think it's the first time for a long time where I know I'm not depressed, I feel like this will send me spiralling back down. Thank you for the support it honestly means the world to me rn x

Yes, keep posting here for support.

You are knackered, and poorly. These things will pass.

If your relationship got physical that's never right.

Gritting your teeth and squinting a bit (!), look to the long term. You are already in a strong position. You are at college, you have two lovely babies, and it is overwhelming now, but this will pass.

In fact, you both sound overwhelmed. Use any support you can get (HV etc as Cog suggests), and try and take one day at a time.

I suspect and hope that you will look back at yourself proudly in years to come.

Well I hope you do feel better for letting off steam and posting here

If your non stop arguing has turned physical then although you are currently finding it really hard this has to be the best way forward for both you and your twins

It may not seem like it now at 19 but by the time they have grown up with a wonderful loving mother and left home you will only be mid 30's and still have a huge chunk of your life in front of you and whatever you can do now in college will stand you in good stead for a few years time when they are at pre school and you can work.

I'm in my last year at college and planning on deferring uni until 2016 to spend as much time as possible with the twins before I do my degree. I know for a fact in that year because he'll be seeing them I'll have loads of time for me it's just so shit when you know you'd sacrifice it all for someone and they wouldn't for you. I knew being a mum would be hard (although I swear I have the easiest babies in the world) but everything's so much more emotional! I just don't want to mess up college because of this. Thank you ugh just men/boys in my case why do they have to be insufferable idiots at times

You sound very sane and level headed. The twins are lucky.

You do sound very together for your age and having twins. What uni are you hoping to go to and what do you plan to study? I think its amazing you are still planning this and think its great

We're not all insufferable idiots, although I probably do have my moments.

You sound like you have a clear plan and very level headed, how are you doing this evening, hope you are feeling a bit better now

I think you are amazing, too. You can definitely do this, and it will get easier. Take one day at a time.

Oh you have been having a crap time but it won't always be like this, are you getting all the help you're entitled to? Who does your childcare when you're at college ? Can somebody help out while you're ill and let you have some time to get yourself together?
Do you have a family member you can talk to? It sounds like the right thing to ditch the boyfriend if arguments have got physical, will he still be around for the kids? Can you get some counselling either through the college or through your gp or local young people's support agency?
Sending you hugs xx