are you estranged from a family member,

[greyspottycushion]

Over the years, my family has had less and less contact with my brother and his wife. We have absolutely no idea why, we have never argued, there are no skeletons in the cupboard, and we are a family who all get on well, its a complete mystery why. He has missed a number of significant family occaisons, eg weddings, significant birthdays, despite being invited. We always remember their birthdays and invite them at Christmas, and they send us cards, but that's it. My parents are now elderly and are in failing health. They are desperate to regain contact, but are scared of rejection, they just don't understand and feel so rejected.They lost a son in babyhood, and feel like they have lost a second son. I don't know wether to write to my brother to explain how everyone feels, to try and understand the lack of contact.

I haven't spoken to my dad in 1.5 years apart from a couple of brief words at my sister's wedding in June. I have no plans to make things up with him any time soon.

i chose not to have contact with my father when i was 17. My next dealings with him were 18 years later when i was told he had died. Tbh it hit me harder than i expected. I felt that there was unfinished business between us and i was sad that he would never be the father i had hoped for.

In truth, looking back though, i don't believe our issues could have been resolved. So all in all i do not regret my decisions, but you do have to be aware that they may have implications for how you feel.

I'm going to assume that there is no quarrel or a sister-in-law who only wants to be with her family (DH has one of those, he no longer sees his brother), just a general 'drifting apart'.

I'd suggest you contact your brother and just ask him. Tell him that your parents are sad and confused. Don't accuse, just inquire. Tell him that if he has made a deliberate decision to avoid contact you will honour that, but if he hasn't that your parents (and you) would like to see more of him. It sounds to me as if you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Just be prepared that his response (if any) probably won't be 'Ooops, I didn't realize I was neglecting our parents!'. When DH contacted his brother in a similar manner he was met with a litany of complaints and accusations against all of us (including my then 4 and 9 year old sons!) that his sister-in-law had made. My iLs were the loveliest people, none of it was true. SiL just wanted to make sure that they only had contact with HER family. BiL almost admitted the truth of it but ended up with 'You don't have to live with her, I do!'. We haven't seen nor heard from them since 1997. Oh, except when their 40 year old daughter contacted our sons on FB to spew venom at them about their father!

Sorry to go on! Just be prepared.