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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Christmas related flounce

52 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 18/11/2014 20:57

I'm trying so hard to be reasonable but it always ends in him flouncing off. Ex husband now living with woman he had affair with wants to spend night at my house Christmas Eve and have Christmas morning with kids. Last Christmas he did but that was when he was supposedly no longer with ow and would do anything to make marriage work. He actually went straight from us to her where they discussed how resilient my kids would be to divorce. I feel they're a couple now. I have the right to Christmas without him in my house and he can take them out. He says I'm being selfish and kids have right to mum and dad in own home. Surely they need to see we are no longer a family

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 19/11/2014 09:18

Stay firm, OP. The trouble is, anything you do which is 'for you' as an individual, your ex will see as vindictive/against him. His mother evidently doesn't have the emotional intelligence to see this. So, keep on drawing those boundaries around yourself, and make your decisions based on that, not his opinions and wishes. He sees the DCs separate to you, unless you invite him in to your home - which you are perfectly entitled not to do. He's not your friend - he lost that when he left you.

Walkacrossthesand · 19/11/2014 09:20

Cross-post - he doesn't have to see them in your house. He takes them out! There's no incentive for him and lady-live to get their own place if he gets to swan in & out of yours to play Dad.

Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin · 19/11/2014 09:29

Blimey, he doesn't want much does he? Agree with eeverythingsaid up thread. Also, does your MIL not realise how perceptive 13yos are? Of course he'll see what she's doing & won't thank her for it.

Stay strong

Xenadog · 19/11/2014 09:33

Your ex and his DM sound like selfish bastards in this scenario. I agree with everything everyone else has said here. They need to fuck off and his DM has to stop texting your child as it is emotional abuse - as a pp said seek a solicitor's advice.

Hang in there, keep yourself strong and see friends and family for RL support.

hamptoncourt · 19/11/2014 09:33

OP you have to put a stop to this.

It is not your responsibility to provide him with somewhere to see his kids. He is not allowed in your home any more - you are setting boundaries.

If he starts on "what I am supposed to do?" just say "Not my problem - kids will be available for pick up x time" Or even better, drop them off at OW house at x time Grin

Please don't feel jealous of his relationship with OW - he is probably already cheating on her.

And read this

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/11/2014 10:53

Ex: "Kids have a right to have mum and dad in their own home"

You: "Shame you didn't think of that when you fucked someone else and moved in with them".

Your MIL sounds toxic and barking - I would block her number from all the phones - and tell your ex to tell her that if she tries any of that crap again, she won't be seeing her grandchildren unsupervised. And point out to him that many separated parents split Christmas so one of them doesn't see the children on Christmas Day at all, so he should wind his neck in.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 19/11/2014 12:23

Love all your advice and the baggage reclaim article is spot on. I'm desperately trying to get remortgaged ( bit of a nightmare as my affordability goes right down when I say I have 4 kids) as soon as he's off the deeds and paid off he can no longer say. 'This is my house I'll sleep here when I want'..can't wait for that day!

OP posts:
yoursinglemumsndadsdate · 19/11/2014 12:29

So he wants to spend Christmas Eve at yours - he is missing the family and being together.

But what about the other woman? Does she not want him?

hamptoncourt · 19/11/2014 12:51

You can tell him he cannot stay there now!!You say Ex husband so I assume you are divorced? The Consent order will most likely say the house is for your sole use.

You can change the locks and everything. Or have I misunderstood and you aren't divorced?

Either way you can tell him he cannot stayover. Who the fuck does he think he is?

MissBlennerhasset · 19/11/2014 14:08

'mummy is trying to keep daddy away from you at Christmas. Don't let her turn you against your lovely daddy it's not nice what she's doing. "

Christ. Tell her that you will be blocking her number on all the phones if she keeps that shit up.

It must feel like you're living in a parallel universe, OP, when you're being told by your ex and his MIL that it's perfectly normal to host the OW at Christmas. (It's not, btw).

MissBlennerhasset · 19/11/2014 14:08

Oh sorry OP, I thought she was coming too! I can't read. Still, massively out of order, tell him where to go!

Vivacia · 19/11/2014 14:20

This would really bring out the bitch in me I'm afraid.

"Stop over on Christmas Eve? Of course you can. Oh, hang on, no. You forfeited that when you chose to lie and cheat".

"Your son wants to be here on Christmas morning, of course I don't have a problem with that. Oh, hang on, no. I've just remembered he forfeited that choice when he chose to have sex with someone else".

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 19/11/2014 18:04

We are in the process of divorce but it's taking ages and the consent order does say the house is mine when I've paid him a share but it's not been approved yet..Good news is got a mortgage deal approved today so can get him off the deeds and pay him his money and then will feel much better about things..I think what he really wants is what he had when he had the affair, his cosy family life and the "excitement" of a young responsiblity free affair partner, he keeps hugging me and saying how much he misses me..one of his reasons for the affair was that "she doesn't worry about babysitters. I have with her what I wanted with you we could go out lots"..I've just looked back at a record I kept when he was "depressed" (having affair) he would disappear for 3 days with no contact so his whining about having to see his children and how bereft he would be are really hypocritical..Thanks so much for your advice I really appreciate it..I'm hoping this time next year life will be much better..that's what's keeping me going..Still a bit bitter that his mum says I've twisted and manipulated the kids..My life is too busy to have the time or energy to make him central like that!

OP posts:
MrsWembley · 19/11/2014 19:25

Excellent news re the mortgage offer! CongratulationsGrin

Have you told him yet? He really does sound like a complete fuckwit, sorry.

Ledkr · 19/11/2014 19:39

I think you should just tell him to fuck off.

I may be alone in that though Grin

CookieDoughKid · 19/11/2014 19:58

The mother can fuck off to another planet of no morals. And he can fuck the fuck off completely. No planet or beings on it deserves his presence.

Seriously, if it was me, I'd tell them both straight up their problem and don't during fucking ever phone or knock on my door until they see sense.

Don't give in to their pressures because at this time, they need to work on earning your respect. Family names mean jack shit if they can't even pretend to act decent in front of the MOTHER of their grandchild/child.

Planet fuckoff.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 14/12/2014 13:38

I'd appreciate some more advice. Came up with a compromise. He told me I have no right to stop him seeing kids open their stockings. I said he could take them to his house Christmas Eve and bring them back for Christmas lunch with me. He says that's not feasible as he's been living with his girlfriends parents since he left 16 months ago. He says they have to be in their family home and I can't stop it as it's his house too ( in process of getting him off the deeds and buying him out. My parents say I should let him do what he wants to keep the peace until I am secure in the house. It just makes me sick him being here. He's all mournful crying about divorce then back playing happy families with her. I don't want him here ruining Christmas for me. I said he could come at 10 for a couple of hours but not at the crack of dawn to open stockings etc. should I just put up with it to keep the peace

OP posts:
Patchworkqueen · 14/12/2014 13:52

no you most certainly should not let him do anything. Why haven't you 'lost' your keys and had to change the locks yet?

He does not set one foot over your threshold - there is no compromise on that whatsoever, and no, you don't put up with anything to keep the peace. And he can stop hugging you too btw.

FelicityGubbins · 14/12/2014 13:54

Nope, he chose his bed so can lay in it, tell him to get to fuck!

Holdthepage · 14/12/2014 14:02

As you have offered 10 am for a couple of hours tell him he can take it or leave it, his choice. You certainly don't have to agree to have him there any earlier.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/12/2014 14:32

Just because he makes demands does not mean that you have to respond. "I'll think about it" might be safer for the moment. Keep schtum until that house is in your sole name and then you can tell him to fuck right off with his delusions of what family life is going to be.

If you think you are in very serious danger of him putting a block on you getting the house in your sole name I fear that your parents are right about trying to keep him sweet for the time being.

Rock and a hard place. I really, really don't envy you at all. Christmas stockings? He doesn't give a shit about the kids' effing stockings! He's a tom-cat trying to keep his territory marked.

What's not going to change is that he is a cunt now and he will continue to be one forever. But not a cunt who can waltz in and out of your home whenever he bloody-well feels like it. Soon come, please God.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver · 14/12/2014 15:41

If you wanted to give him a very special stocking, you could record all the mournful crying about divorce and send the recording to OW.

Bellalunagirl · 14/12/2014 16:24

^ this with bells on!

Tell the pathetic mummy's boy to jog on. He cannot have his cake and eat it, tool.

I'm sorry OP tough love time. You must put your big girl pants on and put some boundaries in place otherwise this might not stop even when you own the house.

The answer is no and if he continues he can see them at an access centre if he's no where else to go.

AskMeAnother · 14/12/2014 16:27

Referring only to the opening post:
Say no, firmly.
What a wanker! You give up Christmas-Eve rights when you shack up with someone else. Everyone knows that!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/12/2014 17:49

The opening post doesn't give the full story. The OP is in danger of the ex being bloody awkward about the mortgage being taken over by her. From the sound of it, the mortgage application has been granted but is not in place yet. Once it is, she is at liberty to ban him from the house and change the locks but if she does so beforehand he's likely to blackmail her and refuse the transfer of ownership. She's between a rock and a hard place right now.