Did/does this man fancy me?

[camra]

During my marriage (am now separated for a year, no dcs), there was a man I really liked/fancied like mad but as married did nothing about it. I am 28 and he is 38 -not that that matters I suppose.

What with the separation and the turmoil it caused me, I tried to put him at the back of my mind.
I recently saw this guy while out and about and as he is single and I am single I want to see him again.

I never saw him unless with my ex-dh in the club we drank in but I just want to know, do you think he likes me back?

These are just some of the things he did while I was married to my dh:

When talking about me to my dh, he would refer to me as 'your beautiful wife' on more than one occasion.

I was -not anymore- a bit plump and when he and two women were in the club and the women slagged off a fat women walking past, he made comments about 'pot and kettle' to them as in don't be so rude while I was in earshot. These women were his friends.

My ex liked to 'jokingly' put me down and he would often be supportive of me if I defended myself as in 'you tell him'.

On one occasion, I had gone outside the club to make a phone call and he came out to smoke so I talked to him instead, I was a bit upset over something and he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. He asked me again a few minutes later I told him nothing and he got quite annoyed with me and said, 'go make your phone call then'. It was only later that I realised that he had not had a cigarette while I was with him.

He once kissed me on the hand when nobody else was about.

He saw me once and I did not see him and he was deeply apologetic (more than actually necessary tbh) as he thought that I thought he did not see me and he had not said hello.

I don't know; I would like to see him again but don't want to make a fool of myself if the feeling is not mutual. Given the above information, do you think I've got a chance or is he just being friendly?

Ok, maybe it's me that's strange then! I can't really imagine a situation in which another bloke making clear he fancies my wife ends in us having a fight! Doesn't my wife have a say in all this? Men are not mountain gorillas protecting their harem!

As I've said, it's pretty unclear whether or not he fancies me from what I have posted here at least, however, he didn't ask me out as I was married when he knew me!

He still thinks I am married. As for the fight, clearly there is a potential for-if not actual violence- bad feeling if a man hits on another man's wife.

I'll be strange with you, pompodd. I don't think it's ok to fight because someone is attracted to your partner or makes a comment to them. They aren't your property to be protected or defended. A person is capable of saying thanks but no thanks or I am offended by your comments etc.
Fisticuffs is very much hands off this is MINE, which when you are talking about an adult human, isn't really that great, imo.
It's not like you are stopping them from being thrown over the other person's shoulder and carried off.

OK, then, if you were a man-or a woman for that matter- would you tell the partner of somebody you fancied that you found their dh/dw attractive? I wouldn't. It's not about ownership; it's just why would you risk the bad feeling? It's not like you say, 'I fancy your wife' and you all go about being friendly again as if nothing had happened, is it?

Only a supremely arrogant person would come out and say directly, 'I fancy your wife'. Maybe the 'beautiful wife' thing was an indirect way of saying so, then maybe not; maybe it's just politeness.

As for the fat comment, they weren't fat but I was at least two stone overweight at the time and we were all talking.

Sleazeball/gentleman/fancies me. I don't know.

So the verdict here is that I just don't know. But thanks for the comments, anyway.

I'm not looking for validating signs, btw, other men have hit on me during and after my marriage, and I have always rebuffed them as not interested in them.

Maybe? But he is a chancer. He's doing it to others too.

I accept that he is probably hitting on other women (if, indeed, he was sort of politely and indirectly hitting me) but that doesn't really bother me as he is a single man, after all. Now if he were married, it would be different, of course.

I agree, camra, you sound vulnerable. The bloke seems to have observed your XH's abusive behaviour towards you and offered you some validation while you were desperate for it. So far, so good, but he pushed it too far. Demanding that you talk to him instead of the friend you were phoning was way out of order especially as he clearly knew you were feeling fragile. Hand-kissing's a little bit weird unless he's an elderly Frenchman or similar!

I think you got the boosts you needed from him at the time. Things are different now. Were you to follow this through and end up in a relationship with him, I suspect you'd find him subtly keeping you on the back foot - remember these things all happened while you were down so, if you're right about his attraction to you, he was attracted to a vulnerable & put-upon woman.

He might not be "a predator" as such - though he might! - but a relationship founded on the victim/rescuer dynamic is an unhealthy one.

I think you need a lot more time, and a lot more confidence-building experiences, before you're in a good place to read people's motives towards you.

You do NOT need rescuing :)

He just may be flirty with married women. Let him know you are single and then see if he expresses interest. I wouldn't tell him you fancy him though.

"It's not like you say, 'I fancy your wife' and you all go about being friendly again as if nothing had happened, is it?"

Erm, yes!

Seriously, you could do with learning from healthy, equal, well-balanced relationships.

"OK, then, if you were a man-or a woman for that matter- would you tell the partner of somebody you fancied that you found their dh/dw attractive? I wouldn't. It's not about ownership; it's just why would you risk the bad feeling? It's not like you say, 'I fancy your wife' and you all go about being friendly again as if nothing had happened, is it?"

But that isn't the point or question we were discussing. You said that there's the potential for violence if a man tells another man that he fancies his partner.

The answer to your question is: No. Of course I wouldn't tell the partner of someone I fancied that I fancied that person. It would be highly insensitive and, frankly, weird behaviour. However, it does not follow that if I did that it's likely or acceptable that violence should ensue.

If it were the other way around - some other man told me that he fancied my wife - well if my wife were in earshot she'd be perfectly capable of giving her own response. She wouldn't need me to do so on her behalf. But in no circumstances would I think it likely or appropriate for getting violent with the other man.

Really don't understand your point here.

The' your beautiful wife' was just a slightly creepy compliment, it doesn't mean he fancied you especially. It's the sort of thing pensioner chaps say when they are trying to be gallant. I've had it said about me and I'm definitely not beautiful.

Bad feeling if you are sure someone fancies your partner and lets everyone know, yes of course there may be some. But that's completely different to a 'fight'. If a man got jealous and started a fight to defend his ownership of me, I'd dump the twat.

No, I wouldn't. What's that got to do with violence though? Or bad feeling?
You don't have to hit someone because they are attracted to your partner.
Your partner says back off. Thanks but no thanks. Shut up. Not interested.
You write them off as a bit of a dick and forget about it.

Your involvement is not required because someone said something to your partner.

I expect that my husband will deal with it appropriately. If he fails to do so, I may give him an earful but I can't imagine a situation where someone makes a flirtatious remark and I go all eeey, hand's orff mah maaaahn, y'slaaaaaaag

I mean, obviously if someone was attacking someone else, or being a pest, then you would help anyone who looked like they needed it or who asked for it, but a comment? nah. No need for the macho display.

Yes, maybe a fight was an exaggeration on my part, however, nobody in their right mind says that they fancy another person's partner without there at least being some bad feeling afterwards between all parties. We couldn't all be friends after a comment like that.

Frankly, it's really a bit daft to say that people could carry on as if nothing had happened.

I personally dislike 'your wife' 'my wife' etc and would judge a man on the use of this.

I'd ditch this 'club'

camra I'm sure there'd be bad feeling. Of course there would. It would all depend on the circumstances and the way in which it was said as to how much bad feeling there was.

The only point I was responding to was your rather simplistic statement that you should expect violence (or even that there is the potential for violence) between men if one says to the other that he fancies his partner.

That idea just wouldn't enter my head and the fact that you said it made me think that you had rather odd ideas about how men in relationships behave.

nobody in their right mind says that they fancy another person's partner

Yes, this is the point. Well done

As to this whole side-issue: Do you think anyone should be married to a person whom they think no-one, ever, could ever fancy? Of course we know other people fancy our partners, we'd be a bit worried if not!

Saying "I've really got the hots for your partner" would be inconsiderate and weird.

Back to your personal story - he said "Your beautiful wife". I'm afraid that's really a 'so what' remark. I feel sad for you, that you were and are so unsure of yourself as to give this emotional significance.

Do you think that the way you see things is the way that everyone must see things?

It isn't 'daft'. That's very dismissive of you. It is just a different but equally valid viewpoint. You don't have to be filled with angst and bad feeling if someone says that they find your partner attractive. You can choose to dismiss it, move on from it, forget about it. To not be all 'that's my man that is that is' does not mean you are daft. It just means you are secure in yourself and your relationship and you can hear an inappropriate comment without dwelling on it or holding a grudge because of it.

FWIW, women have told me in the past that they fancied my husband (both of them, and more than once.) My response was usually "so do I."

No fisticuffs, Garlic? Like in the Queen Vic?

pompodd It was a throwaway comment, the 'hitting' him comment; I did not seriously expect (ed) my dh to hit him for saying it, but by goodness, there would have been, at least, an awkwardness about it all.

My ex-dh never hit anybody in his life. But obviously some men do get physical when a man makes a move on his wife, and that guy could not possibly know how my dh may have reacted , could he? Anyway, no bloke risks a fight by saying 'I fancy your wife' THAT is what I meant. As a man yourself, this should be pretty obvious.

I know full well that most men would probably shrug it off with an element of bad feeling between the two men-but that would be it.

Why are you focusing on this throwaway comment of mine, anyway? It's not really the question I put forward here.

Anyway, that's me done for on this thread; it was stupid to ask a group of strangers what they thought about this. I appreciate that people have taken the time to reply and I thank them for it, but, really, not enough info as they say and I can't provide any more. So ho hum, thanks all.

Camra, I'm sorry, I genuinely didn't mean it to sound like I was having a go. It was just (to me) an odd statement. And I still don't get the "risking a fight" stuff, but I'll stop too. I hope you get the result you want with this guy.

Good luck. I hope that things work out the way you want them to and you are happy. nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Give it a go.

No need to be sorry, pompodd, even if this guy did/does fancy me, even if he knows he is unlikely to get hit by a guy if he says he fancies his wife, the possibility is always there for violence between men, so why say it at all?

The hitting comment was me trying to see it from his viewpoint, not my own.

Anyway, last words, I learnt nothing here as views conflict. How could anybody but him know, right? Sometimes you get involved in silly discussions online and this is an example of them. But thanks for replying, anyway.

Ok, camra you tempted me into replying! Wouldn't it be as true to say that a woman shouldn't say to another woman that she fancies her partner as it might lead to violence too?