For those of you who had abusive upbringings, how have you managed to fix your boundaries?

[applemac]

I've posted on here many times, probably under different names about the shitty relationships I've got myself into and then struggled to get myself out of. I was parented in a way which made me feel that my feelings came below everyone else's. I think it's possible either or both of my parents have a personality disorder.

Recently I posted about a man I had been seeing who was pressurising me to do things I didn't want to during sex. I've stopped seeing him but part of me still wants to see him again. I won't do this but I guess I'm frustrated about why I don't feel the overwhelming urge to get away from these people, the minute they do something abusive. My dd's father was also abusive and enjoyed physically hurting me during sex. This was about 7 years ago and I struggled to get out of that relationship.

I have had pretty extensive counselling

Very interesting thread. I am only just learning boundaries and what they are. When I first started to practise using them I was alarmed- it seemed I was going to have to cut everyone out! Everyone seemed to be crossing my boundaries left, right and centre! I find it hard to be assertive and say things clearly and straight- I struggled over the summer to tell someone I didn't want to start a relationship with him, I found it really tough but I had a very strong instinct that I shouldn't and decided to go with my instinct for once! I don't want to end up in an abusive relationship or be abusive myself ever again.

Well done for avoiding it this time Spring. When I think carefully about what I've done with people over the years I can't believe the things I've let them get away with. It's like my reaction is in slow motion or something. Or I question myself.

Once, someone I was having sex with kept biting my nipples and I asked him to stop because it was hurting and he said 'well you've had a boob job, surely you can't feel anything?!' I'm sure most people would have ended things at that point.

I have also turned away countless good men because they don't seem to be very interesting to me. I've spent the morning trying to figure out in my head what I'm doing. I suppose I feel attracted to the 'danger' of someone who won't treat me well. It's sick but it must be how it is mustn't it?

What I do know is that the last thing I want is for my daughter to grow up that way.

Nope I haven't. I also cannot deal with counselling as my mother is a counsellor and she was abusive, so cannot trust anyone in the profession IYSWIM.

I have remained single after breaking up with my abusive Ex as I don't trust myself to choose someone who isn't an arsehole.

Don't really know how to get better.

I have spent the last few years working on this.

The right therapist is important, and having the guts to move to a new therapist was actually part of the process. There are a lot of really dangerous people in the field, that is so true. It is frightening.

Yes, Baggage Reclaim is ace.

Once I knew what a boundary looked like, it was a question of being brave enough to act on it. That was REALLY hard at first, but like anything, practice is the key to getting good at stuff.

I did have to cut out pretty much everyone from my former life. I still cut people out, but it doesn't scare me any more. I see it as a sign of further development and improvement, and am aware that the people who then come along are better boundaried, and just plain nicer.

I rely a lot on my DH bring a decent man. I'm not far enough into therapy for that to have been much use yet.

I find trying to think what I'd want for my daughter and applying it to myself is a useful marker, applying it or feeling deserving is a whole other issue.

Sorry to hear this puds :( well I started off with a counsellor who was really awful and then changed to a much better one but she had to retire after 2 years because she had unwell parents to look after. She was the one who fixed my habit of turning to self harm when things were tough. I can completely imagine that some of the people who work in this field probably do more harm than good.

Thanks apple I hope that one day I will manage to sort out my issues by myself, but I think it will take some time.