I think I'm emotionally abusing my partner

[ashamedandlost]

I can't believe I'm having to write this. I've been a long-term lurker and read so many threads in Relationships and been horrified by the abusive behaviour that goes on. And now I'm posting that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship (or was until two days ago) and that I'm the abuser.

When I'm sober, I'm charming and lovely, and we had a great relationship. But when I'm drunk, I'm horrible. I can be unbelievably cruel to DP, very aggressive and threatening. When I'm sober, I would do anything to make her happy. When I'm drunk, I do whatever I can to make her cry.

After another argument two days ago, she left because she couldn't deal with it anymore, and texted me in the morning to end our relationship. She told me that she finally felt able to tell me that I'm abusive, manipulative and that she's been constantly saddened by our relationship for the last two months. I was oblivious to this - I know that I upset her when drunk but, as I never remember any of it, I always minimised it). Now she's said it, I can see that I was.

She's cut all contact (quite rightly). I don't quite know what I'm asking here, but I suppose I just want to know that I can change, and to be reminded that there's nothing salvageable in this relationship.

I've already taken steps to stop drinking entirely but I know that it'll only solve part of the problem. I want to reverse some of the damage I've done to her self-esteem (she said I make her feel worthless and that she doesn't think that she deserves a good relationship), but will I end up only making it worse?

The best thing you can do for your ex is email her acknowledging the abuse, and explaining that the abuse came from you, not as a reaction to her, and then to disappear from her life, forever.

You can't reverse the damage you've done, unfortunately that's for her and her support network. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from her life completely.

For yourself, you need to get some sort of counselling or therapy so that you can have healthy relationships in future.

And please, if you do manage to sort yourself out (which I really hope you manage to do), don't keep popping out of the woodwork every few years seeking some kind of closure or with more apologies. It's just selfish.