Family life

[winkywinkola]

It's graft, isn't it?

Right now with 4 dcs aged 9, 7, 5 and 2, we are finding that there is very little if any respite.

Dh finds the weekends awful as they are non stop with things that need to be done like the dcs (rugby, swimming, general being with) the garden, our chickens.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, dog walking, work part time too.

It is relentless and knackering. There is no way round it.

Dh is pretty pissed off with it all. I think he's slowly checking out. We have no time together, no money, no relatives nearby to help out.

Even when we had money he would never want to go out for dinner - my idea of heaven not having to cook! - as he said he ate out a lot with clients at work.

He wanted to do other fun stuff but never came up with anything let alone arranged anything. I think he just thought all he had to do is not make much of an effort really.

So it's all a bit shit really.

Ironing? There is little in life that needs ironing, seriously.

Op

If it's any consolation at all my dcs have the same age gaps as you and it does get easier. I used to think I was a shit mum and struggled through the early years snowed under with washing, cleaning, cooking and general caring and feeling exhausted. Looking back I can see I was as tough as nails and did a great job but I couldn't see it at the time,

Nine years on and my dcs are easy, it's lovely to have a big family and well worth the years of overwhelm.

From me, I'm sure you're doing great.

Stop the weekend clubs and activities. My dc do swimming, judo, fencing, keyboard, guitar and climbing between them. DURING THE WEEK. At weekends there might be a birthday party but that's it. Nothing else at all. It's just too much and makes everything a total drudge if you don't get that two days off.

Are you and him getting the same amount of leisure time? If the answer is that neither of you get any leisure time then you need to work out ways of outsourcing or getting rid of some of the chores. If there's spare money, pay someone to clean or babysit for a few hours a week. Get rid of the chickens (either rehome them or pull their necks and stick them in the freezer).

But it does sound like he is doing his 'work' and then expecting all the domestic stuff to be done by house elves. He should be either cooking at least one main meal a week or getting a takeaway/taking you all out to eat once a week. He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions that you will keep animals which need work without doing at least some of the necessary work himself He should be in sole charge of the children for at least half a day every weekend. He is your partner, not your boss or your owner.

Cross posted there with Mumoftwo!

She is so right

Do you have a tumble drier? If not get one immediately. Cuts down on ironing massively, too. With4 dc it's always going to be a lot of laundry but at least make it as easy as possible. Also start training the dc to help. Small stuff but definitely a spirit of 'we all work together'. Small bribes perfectly acceptable .

Get out with friends regularly and as above, lose some of the extra activities. Not easy but necessary.

Have you moved to the country to 'live the dream'. If so, it's not uncommon to change your mind and go back. Or at least take a while to get settled. In the meantime you and DH have to pull together. You did chose to have 4 dc so it was never going to be restful. On the other hand you will always have someone to look after you when you get old and need help....

I have four kids. This cannot be emphasised enough; tumble dryer, ditch the ironing.

We don't do pets either, but I appreciate you can't just dump them once you have them, (well maybe you could dump the chickens ).

Also, if kids clothes donot look dirty, don't wash em. I know that these days everyone thinks clothes can only be worn once but actually, it's fine for children under puberty age to wear the same until it actually looks grubby.
And what SGB said.

We have two and feel its relentless, so not surprised with 4 kids your ages you feel that way. Even if you do edit down your life a bit it will still be hard work.

Definitely cut down weekend activities - keep to week days/evenings if not on then ditch them. I did that and its much less stressful . Re ironing - I buy things for kids that need little ironing as possible. Friend of mine with 4 kids sends the stuff that really needs ironing out to an ironing service. Try and get rid of the older kids for day long play dates (ok you will need to reciprocate at some point) but that gives an extra bit of peace.

Do the 9 and 7 year old help out? My 10 yr old does thing like sort out the washing and put his stuff away when ironed, carrying shopping for me etc (well some of the time). Great help when he does. The 9 year old could make breakfast for the family some of the time for example. Having something done for you even a little thing like a cup of tea from one of your kids feels great. In a few years time the older two will be able to fend for themselves more and help look after the younger ones. And when you are older you will have 4 lovely grown up adults to help look after you.!

Thank you for all your input. Really appreciate it.

Yeah and at the moment the DC aren't any fun either. I have 2 permanently overtired monsters.

I get overwhelmed and I only have two. You are still trucking and you have four. I think that's pretty fantastic.

I couldn't do what you do, that's why I have only one child and a smaller house and simpler life. My hat's off to everyone who does.

I work f/t, with two children, and get very tired by the weekend, so it is imperative I have a bit of a rest along the way otherwise I can't cope with the week. I really would reduce the 'have to do' activities on the weekend to a minimum, so we don't do activities on the weekend now (all in the week), I do have a tumble drier (which is my one luxury no money for a cleaner), no ironing and we get at least one 'easy' meal- so frozen pizza or something similar. This frees us up a bit to have one busy day on weekend, so perhaps having friends over or going to visit relatives and one home day, so sitting around watching a film and generally relaxing, also I always have a nap on the weekend, the children can watch a film or have a nap/quiet time themselves during this time!

If the fantasy of four kids, a big house (5 bed is big), chickens and a dog is not so much fun, I would reduce the things you don't like and build in more down time. I would seriously re-consider the chickens. You don't have to have these things, you choose to, just as you choose for the kids to do activities, it's not all inevitable and if you feel on a treadmill, it's definitely worth reassessing if you are pointing it in the right direction!

Chat with your husband what does he think? It will get a bit easier as they get older, but I don't see why you shouldn't enjoy weekends now. Why do you think he is checking out?

We both work full time, I have 4 kids (youngest is same age as your eldest though) - oh has two children too so we often have six kids at the weekend. Everyone pitches in and me and oh completely divide all the chores. He gets abit more leisure time in terms of going to the gym, but his children don't live with us so i tend to stay home to sort them, I'm not bitter about that.
we laugh together, deal with problems together, eat together, talk in bed every night, and socialise together AND separately.
It's all hard work, but it's our lives so it's very important!

5 bed is big.

My advice

• get rid of chickens
• stop weekend separate activities for the kids. Do something fun together as a family (walk the dog? Play a board game? Have a picnic? Have a BBQ? Have a garden family footie match? Go to he beach/park?)
• don't iron anything that doesn't desperately need it. The only thing I ever iron is my work shirts, and that's only a couple of them that go wrinkly despite being hung up immediately/tumble dried. Don't iron bedding, undies, tea towels, t shirts, trousers and skirts, jeans etc etc. Most things look fine with a good shake out of the washing machine and being smoothed out as you hang them out, or being put in the tumble drier and hung up/folded while still warm.
• washing - do a load a day rather than save it up into a big depressing pile. Only wash what's dirty instead of what's been worn, two different things.
• he should iron his own work stuff.

Having 4 kids is always going to be hard work. Don't make it harder than it needs to be and remember families are meant to be fun, and have fun, together.

The problem with a set up llike this is quite often, simply, The Man, though. The man is living his dream but refuses to acknowledge that it's too much work for his wife because part of his 'dream' is a woman to do the domestic work and open her legs and never complain.
Hopefully that's not the OP's situation.