"I need to grow up, move on and enjoy life" , this little pep talk I give myself most days, but why is it not working?
In short, I was married to my childhood sweetheart . One child and 7 years later my husband had his first affair. I won't go into details, but unbelievably I let her hang around for nearly 11 more years until I had my second child. I got high on being a new mum at 39 and embraced motherhood like it was my first time. Meanwhile we bought a big house and lived what I thought was a good life. My husband didn't and started on a mid life crisis. First a fast motor bike, then more high powered positions that led him away from home and all the time he had a building resentment for me just working part-time and not making a valuable monetary contribution to our marriage. Inevitably he embarked on yet another affair and whilst he assured me this was not the same thing , I knew the kind of women he was with, would be firmly focussed on money and all that it bought and not remotely like myself. After an unbearable 2 years of emotional abuse I decided I could not bear it any more and asked him to leave. Determined to find a happier life I embraced my freedom and joined a choir, single parent groups and all sorts of things to keep me busy. I was like a little puppy, bouncy and fun and soon met a friend that ~I had always thought was nice and we started dating. At first it was good, but soon I realised that as far as he was concerned there was little room in our relationship for my children and that his intentions towards me were very much motivated by the fact that I came with a house and a car and no mortgage …… Fast forward ten months and my ex has taken me to court as he did not feel my requests for Spousal Maintenance were justified. I have finally negotiated a good price for our marital home and sold that and have (6 weeks ago) moved with me and my two daughters, into our new home.
I run a successful childcare business which keeps me busy most of the week and the rest of the time I am being a mum to my girls now 21 and 10. I have dabbled in online dating, met 5 very strange men, disastrously dated 2 who I then slept with (one of these forced himself on me) and the other was because I felt guilty that I had asked him to help me pack up my house and garden before moving . I have made some stupid rash decisions and am battling every day with feelings of being an inadequate mum. On top of all this I have tried to come to terms with the fact that my ex husband's partner is part of my daughters life, and am struggling to share my daughter with this women so each time she goes there to stay I end miserable and depressed. I asked my ex to come by for coffee in our new house and see his daughters bedroom etc to try and build bridges between us. He just lectured me on the harm that I had inflicted on her because of my behaviour and refused to come in. I then went away for a night and left him to collect his daughter from my house, he knew I was not there so came into the house and walked around the place as if it was his. He is filled with hatred for me because what I have cost him in solicitors fees and for the fact that he is going to be made to share his pension 50/50 with me.
We are now in a situation where he constantly tries to compete with me in a battle of one up-man-ship. He knows how sad it makes me feel to share my daughter with another women so therefore he goes out of his way to make sure she is involved including getting her to speak to my daughter about them getting married.
I feel a mess, I come over as a strong person to those on the outside, but inside I feel just on the edge of things. I have tried counselling, massage, yoga - you name it. I know that by now I should have been able to have got over this whole retched affair and move on with my life, but I feel stuck in a rut and can't see it getting any better. How long will it take for me to get there? Can anyone empathise with me?