Struggling with uptight husband

[branflakesareboring]

We've been married for 12 years and have a ds.

Dh is very much a product of his parents. He's neurotic, uptight, a hypochondriac and has numerous 'rules and regulations' that he kicks off about if they're not adhered to. Nothing big, just stupid stuff like keeping doors closed, not making a noise etc. he won't even get a flu jab due to being so nervous.

He's in his 50s now and shows no signs of this going away.

Ds seems to be very much like dh. He's also very nervy and quick to take offence. He cries and manipulates dh quite a bit too. Dh doesn't like me trying to coach ds out of this behaviour and objects strongly if I explain to ds that he shouldn't be whinging etc. (ds is 11).

Dh orders me around in his particular pathetic way then objects if I pull him on it. I'm now in a state of depression and am on tablets to help cope in this 'treading on eggshells' environment.

He means well and I think it's his way of coping with life - I think he might have issues because he doesn't like crowds, people or going out. He's not nasty, violent, sweary and he doesn't drink or do any drugs.

I don't know what the answer is I wish he'd go onto antidepressants himself as I think they'd help him, but he won't entertain the idea.

Sorry OP you aren't being passive aggressive your DH is!

I agree re your ds picking up on the disconnect between you. It probably both enables your ds' behaviour and makes him anxious at the same time.

I don't think Handywoman meant you're passive-aggressive Mind you, passive aggression is a perfectly valid assertiveness technique when you're dealing with an overbearing twerp.

I find if I'm quiet and po-faced it un-nerves him and he doesn't get on to me.

Good! Let's see more of that, then!
Have you normally argued back, as if you expected him to be a sane, reasonable human being?

I'm uncomfortable with the idea of you trying to make DS man up, as it were, but clearly more things have to change. How about gentle amusement about his whining? I've had past successes by 'misunderstanding' whingeing as a game, and joining in.

It's great to hear you've been filling your time with 'You' stuff. Please keep that up :)

I do feel as though I'm being a bit PA by acting the way I am, but I need a bit of time with him off my back.

I have told dh how I feel before. I do generally stick up for myself. He just goes in the huff and refuses to believe he's actually like this. I don't like arguing but every now and again it blows up as I can't stand it anymore.

YOLO

I have had people, mostly my father, doing the lectures of the "right" way To do everything. My response is To leave whatever it is for them To do because if I can't do it "properly" then I stop wasting my time and energía on it when the "expert" could do it correctly.

What would happen if you try that tack?

Darling, you're missing the point of your replies. "I do generally stick up for myself. He just goes in the huff and refuses to believe he's actually like this." - Total waste of energy. The man seems to have the self-insight and empathy of a sack of gravel.

We're not telling you how to get along with him better, because that's impossible. We're suggesting self-protective measures!

Also, you say you love your home too much To leave it. Does it actually feel like home To you?

I ask because I didn't realise úntil I left my family home that the first place that felt like a home To me was an inner City, high rise council flat with stinking stair wells, no kitchen - just a space To connect a cooker, and bare floors.

The reason this dump felt like home was because I was no longer under the roof provided by my abusive father.

This isn't good.

The way this is going you will end up having the same problems with DS who will behave the same way your DH does now and you will end up disliking him and that's no way to live.

I don't know what the answer is. But you need professional support.
Good luck.

Solo relationship counselling
Acknowledge and accept that he's a control freak
Be aware that his influence means your son could start to repeat this pattern - towards you
Work out whether being with this man is really worth the deterioration of your emotional health. Think about what this will mean in the long run, not just the here and now

Its sad when your partner has issues. You do want to help. But no matter what, I will never find it acceptable that in so many instances, these "issues" result in controlling a woman with rules and unacceptable behaviour. When your emotional health is ruined, what then? I wonder if he will stand by you? Or will you just be the nervous wreck he can keep in a perpetual state of ill health for the rest of her life?

Sod these men and their issues, Im tired of reading so very many stories on relationship boards of women who simply have too much to bear in terms of the baggage and issues that men somehow never seem to want to resolve, instead assume the right to torment a woman with them.

Put yourself 1st. I wish more women would.

Very well said Mistress

Mistress: nail. on. head.

What you say is very true Mistress. He is no good and not supportive at all when my depression flares up.

It does feel like my home, yes. I understand what you're saying about how a controlling environment can't really feel like home, but it does still feel like home. I don't know how or why. I suppose I just try to keep my own counsel and ignore him and do my own thing. I like going to work too.

What Mistress wrote earlier.

What do you get out of this relationship now, why do you continue to stay within this?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here and what is he learning from the two of you?. The two words damaging lessons more than suffices.

You are also doing your bit here by showing your son that your ill treatment of yourself is acceptable to you. Your H is likely to be the root cause of you actually being on anti depressants now.

Its not too late for either you or your son but in a few years time this behaviour your son has already seen will be too entrenched to shift so his future lady love will cop exactly what you're getting now.

My husband is very much like this. My ds has asperger's and I am starting to get dh to accept he has it too. Not sure where Asperger's ends and dickhead begins with him though.

It's interesting. The small rules that are so important, the over sensitvity & social anxiety. Especially the lectures! Both ds & his father can talk on the same subject for what feels like hours with no need for input from anyone else & completely miss any cue to move on from it. However it's cute when ds does it... I have no idea if your dh has it, it just sounds very familiar.

Not really got any advice either, sorry. My marriage is rocky at best but I have lots of help with ds.

I have often wondered if there's something wrong with him. He is very unemotional and can't accept that I have any emotions. I get nothing emotionally out of the relationship really. He's company for me when he's feeling okay.

I have a pleasant little home and the bills are paid, that's what I get out of it. I don't think I could face insecurity I suppose. I know that's shameful.

Asperger's Syndrom does not generally present as 'unemotional'. The only diagnosis I'm aware of with that characteristic as a sign is psychopathy. There is little to suggest you're married to a psychopath, unless you've forgotten to mention a history of fraud or other criminal activity?

Your husband accepts that your son has emotions, and panders to them. Therefore it's not that he can't recognise emotions. He just doesn't care about yours.

Well..at least you admit its about security for you, OP. Do you ever wonder tho, is it really worth it? No amount of security can make up for the loss of your emotional health. I wouldn't suggest you leave him - you know your tolerance levels. But look down the years..sometimes we just have to. In 10 years time, will the security of your home be enough when you are driven to despair? Because, you will be. What Garlic has said above is blunt, but very true. He doesn't care about your emotions. & the example being shown to your son, is very poor. I doubt respect for women will be his forte and as unpleasant as that will be for any woman he has a relationship with, it won't be very nice for him either. Men like your husband get worse, as they get older. & your son will grow older too, and leave home. Then its just you..and a husband who drove you into depression and watched you suffer it - and rather than deal with his unreasonable behaviour, will just take it out on you. He is unkind. This isn't what you inflict on a person you supposedly love. I can only hope its all worth it.

You only have one life, and this looks to me like a bloody miserable way to spend it. However, if it was just you, I'd say its your decision, but it isn't. Is this really what you want for your son? Because it sounds like a miserable life for him too. My parents split up when I was a child and I was delighted to get away from the terrible atmosphere between my parents, me and mum were very poor but we were happy. I think that's more important than a house.

I don't think your husband is depressed, therefore he doesn't need anti-depressants. It is just his personality. You said he's been the same, just getting worse. You can't change him. You're son will have picked up some of his dad's personality traits, but can try to lessen his neuroses. The impact this marriage is having on you is clearly not healthy... Think not just of your son, but of yourself.

Is the security of your nice little home really worth the damage being done to your son?

His father's anxieties are your son's normal, unlike you, he has no other points of reference. If you want different for your son then you have to limit his exposure to such a toxic environment.

Well, this sounds so much like someone I know who is utterly convinced everyone else is less intelligent than he is..and whose business is designed to deliberately recruit people who are 'vulnerable' so that he can continue this perspective. I always felt really uncomfortable around him until I saw him as a passenger in a car and saw that it was because if the way he pours this negative version he has of people all over them as he interacts with them. He treats it as 'fact' because its all part of his need to prove his narrative that he is cleverer. In this case even though he doesn't drive he kept up a constant negative critical narrative of the driver including 'you should have indicated' as their hand was pushing the indicator and 'that car's braking you need to slow down' etc. The sort of thing that could be an amusing wind-up but he was deadly serious and just didn't stop. It got to the point that the driver (female obv.) could hardly think because of this barrage and neither could I) I felt then that although this guy is more john major than brash dumb sexist there were two dynamics..one he was scared witless of not being in control and couldn't stfu and second there was a quiet idea that his nervous non-driving opinion was still far better than a woman actually driving would be a third perhaps a whole heap of status-raising behaviour that is really 'other people's status lowering' .. which put another way is bullying.. but this is more a persistent narrative than a specific tactic knowledably deployed.
It came across to me as a listener as a constant 'you are stupid you are stupid you did this wrong you are doing that wrong' ie what you would do if you were trying actively to psychologically bully.

He similar to examples above is obsessed with 'removing emotion' to make better decisions even when its a decision about emotions eg when someone gets annoyed when they catch him lying to try and drop them in it he will blame them for being angry at him lying rather than the lie. Its slippery as hell to deal with.

That annoyed critical behaviour is very catching as its about everyone being nervous and takes a strong confidence to stop the nervousness affecting everybody. I think you should certainly encourage your ds to understand and try confident enotional states even if its acting or playing 'there are lots of ways to take a shower lets try it as mr confident this time' Not sure where I was gong with this but thought sympathising might help somehow. . Don't explain away your feelings and try a bit of characterising rather than being drawn in

OP I think by continuing to expose your son to this toxic man you are being cruel and time is running out. You are fully aware of your father in laws behaviour, you are aware of your husbands behaviour you are aware that your DS is becoming a 'mini me' of the pair of them and yet....what? No-one else is going to step in her and break this pattern. Already your DS is having behavioural issues that may well get him a kicked ass and worse at secondary school. Behaving the way he does carbon copy of his father isn't going to endear himself to his peers is it? And all this for what? Because you are choosing to stay in a marriage that is about as insidiously poisonous for your DS as it's possible to be.
As regards his having a normal future, having mates that care about him and have his back, girlfriends lots hopefully and possibly marriage and children of his own, he would probably be better off if his dad duffed him up on a Friday and Saturday night but left him alone the rest of the time than this! He is getting lessons on how to be a whiney, narky isolated and isolating adult and whilst you can't be held responsible for all of it (as DS has had 11 yrs to see and hear what he has done so far and the genetic input of course) you really have a chance to change his life just as he goes into secondary school.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I feel like you are choosing your nice kitchen units or the view from the bedroom over your sons future.
You would probably get enough support to stay where you are anyway.
Maybe I went to too rough a secondary school but am imagining him starting at mine and behaving like he does on day one and for the next five years of his life being 'that kid'. Your DH is actively promoting his behaviour in him too. As a PP said, your DS has no other points of reference or virtually none.
Please please see how this is going for your DS and do whatever you have to do to minimise his contact with his toxic father and get him to spend time with 'normals' so he can see his fathers behaviour as being ludicrous and grow up as a balanced, expansive, generous of heart human being. Not a clone of his father and grandfather.

Bran here's a link to counsellors in the UK:
www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/right_therapist.php

They do charge for their services and fees do vary. Have you gone to the GP and asked for a course of counselling though?