sabotaging my own relationship

[WouldRatherHaveWine]

Basically I need a mumsnetty kick up the arse.

I had a baby nearly a year ago, had a traumatic birth that is still causing physical problems, and suffered from PND pretty badly. I ended up whacking loads of weight on and naturally my body shape has changed.

I am sabotaging my own relationship by pushing him away. I refuse to DTD because of the physical issues but also because of feeling so self conscious. This isn't a big issue as DH knows what I went through and is very understanding, but is finding the lack of any affection (understandably) hard to deal with.

I love him dearly but find it hard to understand why he still around. So if I keep away it won't hurt as much than if he pulls away. He has given me no reason to feel this way.

I just don't know how to change! The PND is being dealt with, as is my eating habits. Now I just need to bring the lurve back!

Any tips?!

Well you seem to know full well that for some reason you are destroying your own marriage. Being so self absorbed is very selfish. What about sex with a sexy cover up on or just please him if you see what I mean.

Nice message Drum. How about some constructive support? PND can have a huge effect on emotions, you can't just snap out of it or make everything ok with a 'sexy cover up'. Good grief.

OP, it's good that you recognise that you are feeling this way, and that your DH is understanding. I would say to take things slowly, you don't have to DTD, but reconnect slowly by having lots of cuddles and kisses and let things come along naturally. Are you in any ads for the PND?

but find it hard to understand why he still around It's in the small print under the "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" clause. He's there 'cos he loves you and yr baby. Fix on that thought. It might help.

I agree with sleepy,try taking it slow,try having a date night,is there someone you can ask to have your lil one for a night or few hours? Try having a Nice meal at home,snuggle up on the sofa and have a few kisses and cuddles.dont be to hard on yourself you went through a hard time and are trying to deal with it,you recognise the problem and have a husband that loves you

I don't think Drum's message is that bad. OP he is sticking around cos he loves you and doesn't want to sex with anyone else. Do it in a dimly lit room after a couple drinks. Once you've done it, things will be easier next time.

*to have sex!

Self absorbed and selfish - ouch! I am trying not to be selfish which is why I have sought help, including medication and counselling. Self absorbed I can't really argue with, my own insecurities is what is causing the issue. I certainly got my mumsnetty blunt kick up the arse I asked for!

Date night is a good idea! One of my problems has been leaving LO but I'm managing longer stretches if LO is with family. I shall have to see about booking a table somewhere

That sounds good,have a bit of time to yourselves,try to forget everything for a night and enjoy yourself.good luck Hun

Tell him you realise what you're doing, you don't know what the answer is but you'd like it if you can both try and find a way to work through it together.

That way he knows you love and appreciate him, know things could be better, and are interested enough to want to put it right.

Doing a date night or similar is a set up for sex from both of you. If you instead have it as a night to emotionally reconnect and talk it'll take the pressure of expectation away from it but make you both feel important to one another.

PND is hard to bounce off, i completely empathise with you and have had a continuous battle with an eating disorder pre and post birth. i also have a tag from stitching so have always been very self conscious about sex since DD.

this is what worked for me: my mother had DD for an evening, and we slept at hers so could wake up with DD in morning. i had a bath, my sister helped me do my hair and makeup and i bought myself a loos fitting dress to go out for cocktails with my DH. we had a giggle, no pressure about sex at all, and just spoke like best friends again. he spoke about work, i spoke about baby classes and my gossip. it felt relaxed. the first date i felt pressured and it ended in tears.. that's when DH realised how self conscious i felt.

by date 3 (around a week apart so nearly a month in) we went for dinner. i had a few glasses of wine and we were giggley, happy and relaxed. that night we made love. not sex but made love. i felt reconnected. i feel crazy inlove like we had just met. and from that day i felt happy again.

my PND soon calmed. i started going to the gym again which had been a struggle as felt too conscious in my gym gear, and i now sit here with feet up on DH and DD in bed feeling happy and excited at where life is at.

it gets better. he's not leaving, or he'd have done it already. you have a darling baby. smile, everyone looks prettier when they smile.

if you're not confident enough for a date night maybe try a massage (by a prof i mean) so you can relax and have some me time.

im thinking of you, it's a tough and very low place to be at times xx

Are you on ADs for the PND? These can affect libido, on top of everything you've put in your OP. Obviously if you're on ADs you can't just come off them, but you might want to have a talk with your GP.

The rest of the stuff, I think lots of us go through a period of having to rediscover our sexual side after having babies. Not only are you knackered, often have a whiff of baby vom about you, but as you say your body has changed and it's natural to feel self-conscious. What is your DH doing to reassure you that he still finds you attractive? Was his attraction to you prior to babies based mainly on your physical appearance? It's unlikely.

As for the physical issues you have following your traumatic birth, I feel awful for you. I was unable to DTD after my first child for over a year, so I understand some of what you're going through. You can still enjoy each other without PIV intercourse, but you'll need to address your confidence issues first.

I found the first step is to be affectionate toward each other, kiss, cuddle, hold hands etc. all the time. Also, sleeping naked removes the physical barrier that stalls intimacy. As long as your DH knows beforehand that PIV sex is off the cards for the time being, the intimacy of being naked together can result in you finding each other again, without you fearing that it will inevitably result in a painful experience for you.

Good luck, it gets better.