Just realised this is probably not normal to feel this about my dad

[dontknowwhatthisis]

I've always felt really really uncomfortable about my dad touching me. It creeps me out immensely. When saying hello or goodbye he kisses on the lips and I hate it. I am in my 40s now and he is in his 70s but I have always felt this way.

I also hate the way he will touch my waist when hugging, in a sort of lingering way, it makes me shudder. And I remember a few specific times when I was younger when he touched me in a certain way, for instance walking behind me at the dinner table and he would touch my back, and he sort of trailed his fingers along it. It just felt creepy, not fatherly at all. I hate it. And I hate thinking about it and I've sort of freaked myself out now, and I thought tonight, "I hate kissing him and I never want him to touch me ever again." And now I don't know what to do.

We don't see him very often. Maybe every 2 months or so? I don't expect I will do anything, just carry on gritting my teeth, but I feel very strongly that women should never have to put up with being touched in a way that they don't like, and it upsets me to think that I've been doing it for years and will probably have to go on doing it for the rest of my dad's life.

I just wanted to tell someone, really. I spoke to dp about it briefly but I think he was taken aback and not surprisingly, had no idea what to say.

Any help untangling this would be appreciated.

Dad not ad!

The thing is, the fibbing about having a cold leaves room for misinterpretation. At least with a more direct approach you've set out your stall. If the person then persists, you know they are deliberately crossing a boundary and can adapt your approach accordingly. The pisstakers and abusers of the world rely on nice people equivocating and being too nice to say no.

I feel very strongly that when two people want different levels of affection in social greetings, they should default to the lower of the two so that nobody feels uncomfortable. I'm a pretty touchy-feely person but I have a few friends who absolutely hate any kind of kissing or hugging. I know who they are so when we meet, we just shake hands or even just wave. It's no big deal. OTOH even I feel odd about kissing on the lips, and steer away from doing it when it's initiated.

I also think that adjusting to expectations about things like this is something one does all the time as kids are growing up. Mine are teenagers now and we don't relate physically in anything like the same way we did when they were little - that's just normal and natural. One day you go to kiss them, and they say "Errr YUCK!" and wipe their face, and you get the message.

It sounds like that process didn't happen properly for you and your dad due to your not knowing how to articulate your feelings about it, or not feeling that you could, and maybe due to social awkwardness issues and difficulties understanding non-verbal cues on his part.

But people go on adjusting to things like that all the time. You're an adult and he has as much responsibility to adjust his behaviour to you as he would to any other adult he has to interact with. Next time he goes to kiss you just offer your cheek. Get the rest of your family to do the same thing and model the behaviour to him as normal. He should get the picture and adjust. If not, then there is something wrong.

Just announce it. 'I don't want to be kissed'. 'I don't want to be touched'.

And keep saying it. Don't enter into discussion. If he asks why, go back to "I don't want...", firmly, and clearly.

Has he always kissed you on the lips, since you've been a small child?