Always putting me down, I am so heartbroken

[hurtsomuch]

DH and I have been together for 19 yrs and had 2 DC but for the last 3 yrs we have not got on. He wanted out due to my PND and after a full yr of worrying he would leave he stayed. Things have not got any better really except the PND had already gone when he dropped the bombshell, now I am just heartbroken that although we are together still he really does not treat me like a wife ( affection etc) I am just here like a piece of furniture. He is always putting me down and blaming me for everything - Your never happy, Nothing I ever do is good enough for you, I don't know why your hear, You cant be bothered about anything. I feel so beaten up by the comments and my self esteem has finally hit rock bottom with me privately crying whenever I am alone. I do not work and the DC are great. We HAVE IT ALL, just not each other. I do talk to him about my unhappiness but then it just gets thrown straight back at me. He works hard and is very successful, it seems like he thinks I am ungrateful because we have so much (when all I want is a proper relationshipship). He doesnt approach me for sex at all, I think once this year, never holds my hand, cuddles or any form of intimacy. I feel so alone and he just belittles everything I do or say. I shop and then get called a piss taker even though he can afford it he just doesnt see or want to see, that there is a void in my life. I ALWAYS get the blame, I am ALWAYS in the wrong. He is very verbally articulate and always has the upperhand during conversation about 'us'. Sorry this is SO long, just needed to chat.

Are you over the PND or do you still feel down generally?

Maybe he's the one with problem. People who put others down usually do it to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities & shortcomings.

The PND dissappeared 3 years ago, now I am just miserable and sad because of his lack of affection towards me. He is so successful in his business life, why would he have his own insecurities Allhallows, it doesnt make sense. I asked him a week or so ago where did he want to be in a years time and he said here. I said I did not want to be here in a years time and still feel so desperately unhappy, he didnt comment and life remains the same!

Has it always been like this - or have things got bad in the last couple of years?

Sounds like he's no happier than you are. If he will go,would you consider relationship counselling?

Poor you. sounds like he needs the counselling not you! He is undermining you deliberately. Not nice behaviour at all-- and not how a husband should treat a wife.

Message withdrawn

HSM, he's said he still wants to be here in a year's time. that means he still wants to be your husband - but sounds like somehow it's all gone wrong. Assuming that you got on before, soemthing that happened meant things went wrong(PND or arrival of kids is the obvious but it could be all manner of other things) NOT YOUR FAULT, please believe that, not his either necessarily, but when stuff happens people often don't have the skills to commuicate about what they each need so it all gets messed up and they end up hurting each other. PLease consider Relate, they do an excellent book called "Staying together - from Crisis to commitment" which saved my sanity when my marriage went wrong - helped me understand why and how it could be sorted. Another good book is "His needs, her needs - building an affair-proof marriage (ignore the affair element my advice would be to read these yourself and think about Relate counselling as well. You can't go on like this - neither can he and (based on what you say in your mail) there's a good chance that this can eventually be resolved.

thinking of you and will help in any way I can

Some great advice there from Molton. Not much to add but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I see that you've said you love your DH and that as Molton says, he clearly wants to be with you. How prolific are his put-downs? From the sounds of your first post, it sounds as though he never says anything positive - is that the case?

If it is, I definitely think that issue needs dealing with. He can't say he loves you (or imply he does) and then spend every conversation you have belittling you.

Try this - the next time he puts you down, deliberately contradict him. E.g. He says "You're never happy", say "Actually I am happy when you do xyz, it's just that you haven't done that in a while".

Forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds as if you're kind of in a negative circle when he says something to put you down and then you feel miserable. If you assume that he's not going to do anything to break that circle, then you can decide how you're going to deal with it yourself and then you're in control of your own feelings instead of him.

I'm sorry if I sound like one of those mad bushy haired kaftan-wearing therapists but I really do feel for you and wish I could help you. I never really believed people when they said recognising the problem is half the battle but it really is. Do you feel like you want to "seize the day"?

Crikey - must dash before I turn into Robin Williams! (and my boss realises I've just spent an hour on MN!!!). xxxx

Thanks guys for all the feedback, it does help me feel like I am not so alone. Yes we did the Relate thing 3 years back whenhe wanted to go but we only went 3 times as he thought it was uneccessary for 2 intelligent people to be "advised". Kind of agreed with him as we were not being told anything we were not already aware of. Recent put downs include: When I told him I had registered to do voluntary work for an organisation he scoffed at it and said he thought I needed the help instead. When I said I was enrolling on an drama course he told me I didnt need it but I could teach the class a thing or two. He tells me I WASTE money and some of his employees earn less than my monthly housekeeping allowance (how could I possibly be overdrawn) He has made remarks about me being old (50) look 40, he is 43. I spend money on my appearance whereas he couldn't be bothered (why am I), and so the list goes on. Oh yes and I am a lousy wife because I don't know his co turnover, don't know how many employees he has or how many projects he is currently running!!!! I just want to be cherished for what I do do and that is run a huge home with NO help and raise two wonderful kids.

So sorry but he is being arrogant, there are plenty of intelligent people around who need extra help to maintain their relationships!
Don't let him grind you down, you sound lovely and like you're doing a great job bringing up your kids and maintaining a relationship with a cold and difficult man.

Arrogant with a capital A bluejelly. He thinks the majority of people in this world are complet e and utter a*holes (sorry about that, not in MY vocabulary . I often wonder if success has gone to his head, he wasnt such a pig 19 yrs ago and only built up his co 11 yrs ago when DD was born. He has some strong qualities and to the outside world very charming (just me he hates I guess). He never has anything to say if I phone him and cant even be bothered to say good morning when he comes in the bathroom each day. I get a grunt and asks "whats wrong with you" if I dont seem happy. I must be a complete fool to stay but as I say, he does have many qualities and I am just not ready to up sticks and let someone else take my place after 19 yrs of sacrifice, does that make ANY sense? Probably not

My ex husband is charming to the outside world. Only the children and I had any idea how awful he was. We divorced after 19 years. I thought it would be worse than it had been and just to be free of the kinds of comments you make I still feel grateful.

If he is very successful divorce after 19 years will cost him a fortune (it did me - I earn more).

It is hard to know if you were to be more cheerful he would be nicer to you or whether you're fed up because of how he is in which case it might be better to think about divorce or separation.

i tried to read the whole thread
i couldnt understand that: if he wants to stay with you next year or so, if he wants to be with you, then why is he hurting you emotionally? he is bullying you. doesnt he see that? and then asking you whats wrong with you? thats very strange isnt it? whats his game?

he can be qualified etc, but he is not a good husband, a good person.
how is he to the children?

I don't know what his game is. Yes he's a good dad when here but works long hours so really only sees them properly at wk/ends. He is just crap at our personal relationship. Its like he has always had a barrier and just wont let me through. He tells me I want more than he can give (emotionally) and I guess thats true, but I only want what is normal. To be loved and acknowledged. Hes very good at hurting emotionally, its like I'm sure he thinks he gives me his all just because of the house, car etc when all I want is a proper relationship, he is also very very sarcastic (always has been). Questioned him about sex recently as he never comes near me and he said hes too busy to think about that and anyway what is the point if I am going to reject him all the time. True, he got rejected many many a time when I had the PND but that has long gone. Almost feels like he is now punishing me by being like this. Ive stood by his side all these years and been there every time he came home late from work, never nagged and asked him to come home early because I knew he was busy, find these days, talking to people that the more uncompliant a wife is the more respect they get. Perhaps I have been a doormat for too long. But how to get out of that role without losing my marriage

I don't know what to advise. I don't think he can change after all these years if he's always been so cold. What exactly do you get out of this marriage? The material side, but no warmth? Is he as unpleasant to the kids when he does see them at the weekend?

BTW I think his comments about your age/appearance are vile. My DH is 6 years younger than me, he's never ever ever said anything hurtful about our age difference.

just logged on again and have to say HSM - he sounds absolutely hideous. Sorry to be so blunt but if I was you, I'd be crushed by all the horrible comments he makes about your appearance, your contribution to your family, your worth as a person. You MUST not believe him. You sound like you've been a great wife and filled the role of both parents to your kids. He sounds like a prize prat if you don't mind me saying.

I don't know much about divorce law but Xenia sounds like she knows what she's talking about. If you've been together 20 odd years and he's only built up the business since you've been together, you're not going to walk away empty handed - maybe you should have one of those half an hour free consultations with a divorce lawyer to see where you stand? It might just be the kick up the butt he needs but at any rate, at least you'll be taking control of your future - what do you think?

HSM Do you ever get any time for just the two of you? Was your relationship different before children/PND? If it was, I think your DH is now very wrapped up in his work, this has become his stable environment whereas having children and PND can be very unsettling for us all in different ways. Perhaps he sees the children and their upbringing mostly your responsibility and his work is his "baby". He comments on your "work" and sees what a wonderful job of bringing your children up yet to him you don't show him the attention with his "baby" (hence the comments about you not knowing his turnover, staff nos etc).

Do you love him? If you do then stick with it and get some time alone together and try to unwind him. Sounds to me like he's really stressed and wound up as well which perhaps adds to his nasty remarks (no excuse just this is what's been happening to my DH).

I'm sorry if I've not added anything you find useful but thinking of you

Yes I guess he is stressed but thats no excuse to be rude to me. Confusedmum2one, yes he has been neglected since the arrival of kids now 7 and 11 as prior to them we were deeply in love. Even today, I cant make the slightest comment about anything without him picking me up on it and twisting it all around. Then I get the usual "whats the matter with you?" I'm trying hard to ignore it and maybe if I don't "bite back" so much he will relent somewhat. Thats the plan anyway, heres to that. We used to go for evenings out but these days I just don't feel like it. I think why would I want to make an effort to arrange a sitter and go out with someone who puts me down so much altho if I suggest it he is quite willing to go out. Sometimes I think he feels just as neglected as I do but instead of complaining like i do, he just throws himself into his little empire whereas I guess I am just here carrying on the normal stuff.

there seems to be some hope.
before it disappears do something then.
try to get some advices from professionals.

i feel sorry for you that he hurt you so much, i hope everything will be allright and you will have a happy family.

hurtsomuch... you sound so lovely and this sounds so so sad. It just should not be like this for you. I've been married for 20 years and know that it isn't easy.

I also sometimes think that strong driven career men are so use to being powerful and masterful in the office that they can't let go of that when they come home to little wifey (I don't think of you as little wifey, btw!)

I do think the drip drip of being put down is very hard to rise above and your self esteem will be totally eroded unless you can do something. Can you write down how you feel... try and get your thoughts in order... sit down and try and talk to him, asking him not to interrupt until you finish talking. I'm probably talking about my a**e cos I'm not very good at sorting our probs in my own marriage!!
Thinking of you.

Thank you so much everyone for all your support. We had a lovely family day out today and NO rude put downs or comments. You see he can do it! I hear what your saying |Helliebean, I do sometimes feel like one of his employees and then I have to remind I am not. Yesterday played quite cool with him and did not rise to his little comments, toay was much better. MUST TRY HARDER TO BE TOP DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!