Just feeling shitty and low and can't see the light

[ShouldISellTheHouse]

Ex left me in march. 2 ds, 6 and 3. He had been shagging his admin while me and ds2 were recovering from disasterous birth.
So here I am. Single parent. Work ft. No family support. He has ds 2 eves per week and 1 weekend day. My days are up early, mad dash, school run, work frantically in v pressured job all day (work shit ATM too), school run, tea bath bed cleaning TV bed do it again...
Worked together, split v public (my fault for putting details on FB day I found out, in temper but also to sae me having to tell people). Hear today this is still being gossiped about. In a city I hate in a house I hate but he won't permit me to sell and keep more than 50% equity to house dcs despite me having put all deposit in etc.
My life is going nowhere. I've looked at online dating - but don't want to go through with it. Feel horribly unconfident - mainly due to being v fat - size 24.
Another weekend ahead, cleaning, trying to be ok, nothing to look forward to.
He appears happy as larry and is clearly shagging around merrily.
When does it get better?

Do you do anything social where you stand a chance of meeting new friends? I haven't been through what you have, but really feel like having a good friend might help. I don't have someone like that, so maybe I'm projecting, though, but I've always felt life would be better with a sidekick (non-romantic) of sorts.

Good luck.
I would actually say dont worry about the weight. Scales are fickle things and it'll just be another frustration. Weight alone won't make you happy. Maybe try a bit of a health kick, nothing extreme so you can't beat yourself up about it too much- a better diet and more activity will boost your mood, though. If you lose weight, you lose weight.

I don't have chance really to anything social - I'm either at work or home with dcs, his 2 eves a week childcare are only to 7.30 / 8 pm and I'm often at work that late those days. The weekend day he announces what day mid week so in can't really plan much. I do have friends, but they all have partners, young kids, jobs, lives. I don't want to impose.

Okay so he is bullying and controlling and violent - what he is imposing on you is completely unacceptable, not a man with huge remorse at what's he's done at all.

Yes I would move, on the quiet, just up sticks and go then let him drag you through the courts to make you move back. In the meantime you need to very very very firmly stop the daily contact - get it to a minimum and out of the family home.

Please contact woman's aid it sounds like the freedom programme will help you and actually he's done you a favour by leaving you have the chance of a life without that nasty man in it.

Also so that contact needs to be fixed the same day each weekday and EOW - this sets the path for living further apart. Any objections from him tell him to go down a more formal route.

He's a financial parasite - do you really want to be tied to him, would it be better to be free even if meant a much smaller place to live? Again would your parents be in a position to help you out or be guarantors on a larger mortgage. In some ways renting may suit you better anyway?

I suspect that you wouldd be able to get more legal advice via something at work - under employee health & wellbeing there is probably a telephone service? YOu could also access therapy to help you deal with your ds2 traumatic birth/near death?

Thanks random. Really helpful suggestions re contact etc and paving the way for moving. You are right, there is a work advice line which I'd totally forgotten about
I had 1 year of therapy for PTSD after the birth, it was good, my therapist was concerned then that my bad relationship was making recovery harder.
I think upping and going on the quiet would be hard though, he'd know via work i had given notice, and I'd need to tell dcs I couldn't just spring it on them, or expect them to keep secrets.
I have decided to go back on the low carb diet starting tomorrow.

Sounds like this relationship has been truly awful. I'm sure WA will be able to help you more than you think.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. My husband left me two years ago in a really nasty way and that first year was the worst one of my life, but yes, it does get better. It must be so hard coping with all this, and with the holidays coming I am sure it makes it feel worse but even though it's hard to see you find strength from going through things like this. So sorry x

Sorry your going through such a hard time here if you need to chat,perhaps go to citizens advice bout house and I know it's easier said then done but would going out help you? Like meeting other parents and mums.i have been through a rough patch I turned to home start,try looking then up online and see if there's one near you,they offer advice,support they also run play groups and you can have a volunteer once a week,I have a lovely lady who comes for a chat and a cuppa,

When dealing with your Ex remember stock phrases such as

"No"
"That doesn't work for me"
"Ad hoc arrangements aren't in the dc best interests"

Could you go for the job near your mum and move in with her for a bit until you get housing sorted? Have you spoken to your lender about your situation? They might give you a repayment break whilst you sort it all out, or allow you to pay interest only?

I do think you should get out of there if you are so unhappy. The ex sounds pretty toxic. Can you do what PP suggested and borrow money? Even if you are in a smaller place you will probably be far happier.

You need to see that you can change things for the better. A friend of mine left her home and lived in a mates loft conversion with her five children for 6 months when she escaped her XH. It sounds awful doesn't it but the DC loved it!!

And your ex certainly isn't a great Dad, he is a nasty bully.