I am so angry with dh I don't know what to do.

[Mirage]

I am so angry with him that I can't speak.He has always done very little around the house & I do just about everything.I even do things like sweeping the chimney,tiling the kitchen,cleaning out the drains ect as well as all the housework.

I have told him in the past that he is bloody lucky to have a wife who isn't afraid of getting her hands dirty,& that most women wouldn't do half the stuff I do but he laughs it off.If I persist he says that no,he doesn't do much stuff around the house,but when I earn x amount per year like he does,he will do more around the house!

He has just trotted out the same old story tonight & I am sick of it.I work outdoors in the cold & wet,hard physical work,then come home & run around like a blue arsed fly while he sits playing on his PSP.He tells me that he'd love to stay at home with the girls if I earnt enough,but doesn't seem to realise that I just don't stay at home,I run my own business & work damn hard as well as doing everything else.If we didn't need the money so much & it wasn't my business,I'd consider giving up work if my wages are so inconsequential.

I have been waiting for a company to deliver a fireplace so we can get on with decorating the living room & have spent 2 months chasing them about it.I asked him to make 1 phonecall,to his sister,who works for the company,to see if she could help sort it out,but no,he couldn't even manage that.

I am SO pissed off & feel belittled & patronised as well.How on earth can I get him to see what an idle so & so he really is? I am tempted to go on strike,but with a 3 year old & a 16 month old,it isn't a good idea.We wouldn't be able to walk across the floor for crap after a few hours.

I'm also tempted to sleep on the sofa tonight.

no!!!!! make him sleep on the sofa! he sounds like a lazy git and i would be kicking him into touch pronto.how dare he?

[ahock]

You have every right to be furious.

Surely he should be sleeping on the sofa?

I think you've put your finger on it talking about being belittled and patronised. He is treating you with a lack of respect. Sometimes you just have to walk out and leave them to cope to show them what looking after children involves. Take yourself off for the day, or even better, a weekend.

i am not surprised you are furious

What a horrible attitude for him to have!

I don't know what to suggest but how about something immediate that he will notice, like not cooking him any dinner?

ds2 got chicken pox or I would suggest coffee in town!

Agree with edam,have a day off without children,he will soon appreciate you then

Sounds like he is being a git.I have to say my dp is a joiner and does this sort of stuff but I am crap.However I work and do the majority of childcare/housework etc etc.The only way I can make dp see sense is by having furious row every now and again so Im not much help.Can sympathise though.If I keep nagging dp will occasionally do washing/washing up if pushed but its bloody irritating that I have to do the majority though.You have my sympathy.

Sleep on the sofa.Bloody men.He sounds worse than my dp and I didnt think that was possible.

In fact.If you have weekends off tell him you have a completery fictitious important job
and go and pamper yourself for a day.He would soon realise how bloody difficult it is looking after two small children.Wish I had the energy to do this with dp.

Thanks for the kind words & sympathy.
I dud sleep downstairs last night,as he had already gone to bed whilst I was typing.However,I am full of cold & I think he thought that was why I slept on the sofa.He did offer to stay at home with the girls today as I was poorly,but I told him to go to work.I did notice that he#d taken the bins & recycling out without me having to ask though,perhaps something did sink in.

I work most Saturday mornings,so a weekend away is not easy,but I am planning to be 'ill' on the next weekend when I don't have to be doing anything.I shall stay in bed all weekend with a selection of books & demand cups of tea ect.If I'm feeling really evil,I'll dose the girls up with sugary stuff beforehand too!Am also not doing any of his washing,cooking until things improve.I earn 1/3 of what he does,by his reckoning that makes me liable for 2/3 of the housework-so no prizes for guessing which 1/3 is not going to get done.

I did go off for a weekend with my sister in the summer & he admitted it was hard work,but that he had a system of using 1 plate 1 cup ect & washing up immediately.He was pretty smug until I pointed out that he'd been at home with them & hadn't had to go to work as well as do everything else,so of course it was easier.

Colditz,thanks for the offer,I'd definately take you up on it if it weren't for the Chicken Pox.I hope ds2 isn't suffering too much,poor little soul.I have been meaning to email you since last week,but my sieve like brain keeps forgetting.

Better go,dd2 need the potty.
Thanks again,I'll keep you posted.

It needs to be sorted out. I always earned a lot more than my ex husband but we both worked full time and both split children and domestic jobs fairly. That is how a lot of couples manage it. It's the only fair way.
One solution is you don't work/he does. Part time often means people are put upon I've always thought. Or set out to earn double what he does and leave him with most of the jobs... what would be fun if possible.

I'd definitely go on strike. I know it's scary thinking of all the mess but it did work for me. and I only had to last one day!! TBH one evening of me sitting on the sofa like he did reduced the place a tip. and sleeping on the sofa too.
or leave him with the DC for a whole day. that worked wonders too.
unfortunately it is not a permanent solution as after a while everything returns to 'normal', but I wonder if there is a permanent one (please let me know).
My DH does a good share...BUT... I think it is not so much the earning difference that influences him but the fact that I work p/t which, in his sick mind, equals to me having 4 days off!!!!

one thing I'll never understand is this, and please men around help me out, why a day with DD is a day off for me and a day with DD for him is not???

so when I reached breaking point I tell him I'll go back full time if that's what it will take him to have things shared equally.

but it's such a struggle really, having to fight this point over and over again!!!

Well,despite his words,something I said must have touched a nerve.He came home from work on Friday night & after playing with the dd's,went straight into the kitchen & washed up,wiped down the surfaces ect.This has never happened before!

Despite this,I am not relenting,if he doesn't keep it up,there will be trouble.

Xenia,good point about giving up work.DH mentioned last night that his old car will need replacing soon & I said.'Oh thats a shame,just when I was thinking of giving up work to stay at home too'.He went silent,he knows I love my job,& I don't think he had even considered that I might pack it all.Plus,my income really helps,we've had a bad year with one thing & another & need to clear the credit card before it starts mounting up.He might give that some thought too.

I told my mum that I was going on strike & she said that I was mean! I was shocked & said that it was embarrassing to come home & find that my pensioner neighbours cut my grass & hedge because they could see that I was struggling to get it done!My neighbours obviously realise that dh is an idle arse too-they have never seen him mow a lawn or do anything outside.Mum then said that she saw my point.

Notsouseless,your dh & mine sound like they've been cloned.I really agree with you about the part time=4 days off.I'm sure that dh thinks the same.

Its very odd,because at work,he won't expect his staff to do any job that he wouldn't do himself & is well known for being an extremely considerate boss.He has even mopped up sick because the cleaners had gone home & he thought that he should do it rather than ask someone else!Why doesn't that attitude carry through at home?

If I find a permanent cure I'll let you know.

If he's rather stubborn and arsey, might it be an idea to write down, over one week, all the stuff you do, and then put a monetary value on it - say lawn / tend garden @ £15 / hour; clean drains £100 fee (get a quote from some random drain cleaning co !) x hours per day childcare @ (insert going rate), taxi service, etc. etc.

(All this ASIDE from your income from your work)... tot it all up so he can clearly see how the arrangement is not equal and that he needs to start valuing the work you are doing IYSIWM.

hmm Hub2dee that would not work with DH as he would give me all the money he has. and if I made this list he'd just write a cheque for me. which is not what I need. All I want is for him to SEE all I do and to chip in at times without me having to nag nag nag all the times, which I loathe doing as at the end of the day I do not give a sh*t about the housework either. but i agree, I should make a list so he can see how many things I can do while taking care of DD. it's so much more that what I do at work.

mirage lol at cloning. TBH all my friends' DHs seem to be clone of eachothers.
like your he is good as he does listen and understand and make the effort. It just doesn't last. and I think it is just because it is convenient not to see... IYSWIM.
they're cunning little beasts

my mum was against striking as well. she told me It will make it much worse as the house would be a tip, and I'd be really stressed. well after the first 5 minutes I wasn't. I just kept thinking that I wasn't a mum or a wife but back to my student life. I kept saying to myself 'who cares' and sat down and read a paper. bliss.
next day he did all this things your DH did. I was shocked.

thinking about it it's time I do another one. but mostly I should do smth I've never done yet: just leave him with DD for a weekend and with a list of all the thing that I do whilst with her. I'm sure I'll come back to a changed man.

mirage, I sympathis. I "give" my dh 3 jobs in this house - put the bins/recycling out, change the cat litter and iron once on a sunday night. Last week he did none of these (the ironing pile is pretty huge). I resent that I have to give him jobs at all - this is a shared enterprise after all. He routinely fails to send letter that I ask him to post from work. He never returns calls. It's more than infuriating. But it isn't fair, or even possible for me to do everything on my own.

If you find a solution, please let us know.(in fact, you could probably make a fortune from it )

sympathise even

Message withdrawn

i could write a very similar post mirage

I left my dh with the kids for a couple of hours and regrettd it he sat with a book and watching tv letting the girls run wild and did nothing but change the babys bum how on earth do they think we do it def do nothing for a day and see what happens like you said it looks like it may be slowing sinking in.
Your mum thought you were mean? lol different values eh?

happybiggirl my DH saya the same. get the cleaner to do it!! what? in three hours a week? if I follow his advice the cleaner would move in with us!!!

see my mum never rebelled for 25 years till she divorced him. so did DH's mum.

it's better to stick to your guns earlier.

Message withdrawn

You need to do due diligence before you marry them. My ex husband had had his own house which was tidy, did the washing etc so when we got together I could see he would be an equal contributor at home. I would never have accepted anything less as we both worked full time. Perhaps it comes down to power a bit though as I earned more. My teenagers don't mind mess and I do. instead of nagging them I am lucky enough to have someone every morning during the week who tidies up and cleans and does the washing. That way it's just outsourced. Not an option for most people unless they earn a lot or their ex does.