What do you do if you just don't fancy him any more?

[sparkhasgone]

Find this quite hard to discuss and also am afraid DH might read it so have gone anonymous like some others I've seen on this board. My situation is that I'm really concerned about what to do with our sex life. Basically, I've always had a much higher sex drive than DH, which has caused some problems in the past but not too bad. He is 12 years older than me, we've been together 7 years, married 4, and have a lovely son and another baby due soon. I had my son quite young - all my old friends are still living the single life - and suppose the change in lifestyle and lack of exciting sex life with DH made me feel neglected. Last year an old friend came back into my life and we ended up having a short fling. I found him incredibly sexually attractive abd fantasised about him all the time, even though I knew how wrong it was. Things were at an all time low with DH, as well as the fact that physically, I had just gone off him as well. He's put on a lot of weight since we met, and just doesn't seem to care or even think about how I might feel about how he looks. Things came to a head with this other person (needless to say, the act itself was a big letdown as we both felt so guilty!) and then DH found out. It was awful. I realised how much I still loved DH and couldn't bear the idea of splitting up, especially for our little boy. We went to Relate and sorted a lot of stuff out, and things seemed to get back on an even keel. Strangely enough, this episode put quite a spark back in our sex life for a while and I got pregnant. Not a great time but overall we were pleased.
Since being PG, I have completely gone off sex anyway. But I'm worrying about what will happen after baby is born, as although our relationship is much stronger now, I still don't FANCY DH much. I try (when not PG) really hard to keep slim and look nice, and I can't understand why he doesn't want to do the same, if not for himself then at least for me, especially after what happened. Of course, after what I did, I can hardly say that to his face. He east and drinks whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and if I ever make any comment about losing weight we end up arguing. I don't suppose I'd like being told I should lose weight either, but I really can't understand why he doesn't want to. He used to be so gorgeous and now he just looks a bit round and middle-aged. Also, he's completely unfit and so doesn't spend much time out being active with our son. He joined a gym at vast expense last year and never even went once.
I just don't know what to do. What can I say? How can I make him see that I would just fancy him so much more if he made a bit of an effort? Or am I being horribly superficial? Has anyone had asimilar problem? Please help, as I love him very much and really want to get the spark back.

I do understand what you mean, I really do, but wonder whether you are approaching things from the right angle.
Your dh cannot be unaware of his weight and fitness, after all he did join a gym and does know how you feel. But he may feel that the effort to stop comfort eating and get in shape is just too much for him to attempt if you do not love and value him just for himself. His self-esteem took a huge battering when you cheated on him and I would bet money that he still hurts over it.
I would suggest that you be ruthless in not buying, cooking or storing fatty foods and make sure you give lots of genuine praise and compliments for the characteristics that you love and admire in your dh.
Concentrate on having fun and laughing together and make him feel all warm and good about being totally loved by you. I think he needs it.

Please, please don't think I'm being critical - I'm honestly not - but maybe one of the reasons he is as he is is because he doesn't feel very attractive. It's depressing not to be fancied. Possibly, just possibly, if you could act as if you fancied him a LOT and paid him compliments and wanted to have sex with him, he might well perk up, his self-esteem would grow and he might make more of an effort to get into shape. I know that if my dh was to criticise me, I'd resent it and be LESS likely to try and look nice. He's had a huge dent to his self-esteem and he might be taking refuge in food atm. Maybe try to do something sexy with him (difficult if pg, I know) like go away for a night, go out to dinner. Suggest he wear something he looks fanciable in him (tell him you love the way he looks in it). I don't think you are superficial but wonder if a carrot approach might work better than the stick approach with your dh.

Gosh, snap.

Have just reread my msg below and realise it does sound a bit crap - trying to give an overview really, and it all makes me sound quite unpleasant. We do actually still have sex - always initiated by me, despite the problems I've outlined, as I just think it's important not to let it drop completely and end up living like just mates. I love him hugely and am so grateful to have got a 2nd chance, and the sex we do have comes from those loving feelings. However, he still has v low sex drive - as you say, probably mainly because he just doesn't feel v attractive - and it's hard for me to always be the initiator if I actually don't really feel like it that much myself anyway. When I do compliment him on how he looks, or say I love his aftershave, or whatever, he rarely takes the hint and I often fall asleep waiting for him to finish watching the football. It's not that he's sexually unresponsive, it's jsut that he never seems to think of it on his own. And that has made me feel, in the past, like I'm not attractive to him any more, or that he just sees me as the mother of his children and not a sexual being. I think that was a contributory factor to me being unfaithful - I got the attention I wanted from another quarter at exactly the wrong time in my marriage. I would never be unfaithful again, but at the same time I feel like I've really tried to boost our sex life and it's had a very limited effect. It's so hard to talk about without hurting his feelings, or leaving me feeling like a complete bitch. I don;t know what to do next, I just know that with a new baby, even less time, and frayed tempers with tiredness and so on, it's not going to get better on its own. Feel very depressed.

Hugs Sparky.You mentioned that you sucessfully went to Relate together previously, so I assume that he was able to talk things through openly with you and express his needs and his feelings then? It must be very difficult if he is not open to continued gentle discussion and to try to understand what you have so clearly put across here. I agree that it is vitally important to keep the communication going even if sex does dry up a bit with the new baby etc. Could you try writing him a very loving and very honest letter?

Hi, I hope I didn't make you feel worse. Sorry if I did. Maybe try to improve the out of bed aspects of relationship first, so you both feel happier overal - eg booking babysitter for dinner, seeing a film, going out for the day. That way the sex - or lack of it - might seem less important. this bit, when the children are so young, is the hardest, I think.

I have a female friend who is ending her marriage for this reason, and it's pretty earth shattering for her and him, though I don't know him.

I don't have an answer. My DW really doesn't fancy me, and I can understand that, but it gets you wondering if she ever did, or anyone ever did.

aww you sound so unhappy reallyembarrassedbut X

Nice to be an expert on something for a change though!

FWIW i think life's too short to stick with a relationship that makes you feel so bad about yourself

I've changed my name for this message.

I do understand where you are coming for. My partner is 10 years older than me and we have been together for 7 years. We have two kids under the age of 3.

DP had a spark when I met him, our relationship wasn't really one based on mind blowing sex but he kept himself in trim and the sex was fine. I made a decision that although it wasn't a sexual match made in heaven I could live with it.

After the birth of our first child it was difficult to get the sex back on track but we did manage to and after about six months or so we were back to 1 or 2 times a week. Its now nearly a year since our second child was born and I am finding it really hard to get any sexual desire going at all for him.

I do want to have sex and I do want to have sex with him but its a mixture of exhaustion on my part ( I work full time ), stress, his small beer belly, the way he approaches sex which just wants me to roll over and go to sleep.

He is starting to get frustrated, though has been very patient.

I know I really want to sort this out, we have two great kids, a pretty solid relationship and I certainly do not intend to give up on this. I just need to find a way to have more SEX.

We are sparkhasgone like you different age groups - hes well into his 40's and I'm mid 30's, maybe it is just a point where the age difference becomes more apparent.

Sorry to hear you feel the same in your relationship, Andmetoo, but in a way it makes me feel at least I'm not alone. I feel that since everything else in my marriage is good now, or as good as one can hope for, then the sex should just follow on, but it doesn't seem to. I can easily bumble along like this for a while, but then last year I was feeling like that when someone who I found incredibly sexy appeared, and the rest is history. It's not that I don't HAVE sexual feelings, just not very strong ones towards DH. Maybe my sex drive will just disappear altogether after birth of second baby and then it won't matter so much?

Maybe it is just the seven year itch.

I certainly find that my sex drive is very much governed by my mind and in some ways I feel that I have turned it off as nothing has really changed. So, therefore I can turn it back on - just not quite sure how yet.

I think part of my problem is that if I talked about it with DP I would have to admit that we were just muddling through and the sex was a little lacking in some areas.

Anyway we have a night off tonight (ie; nanny babysitting ) and after a bit of a row last night after me not wanting sex a conversation is definitely on the agenda.

I'd be interested to know if anyone is in a relationship with no physical contact - strategies for coping if you like