Will he feel guilty that he's leaving me and our kids?

[completelyalone1980]

We met at uni and have been together ever since. I thought we had a great life, two kids (4&7), good jobs. We were always very busy with life so not a lot of alone time. I never thought our problems were serious or different than any other couples. But then he recently told me that we should split up, and he doesn't want to work at it because it won't change things and how he feels. He said we have grown apart. I don't think he loves me anymore. I think I'm still in shock. I'm trying to keep it together. It's helped that he's moved out. But I miss him. I don't know what to do to get him to change his mind. He promises that there isn't someone else. Should I just be patient? Is it just a mid-life crisis?

Presumptious? From the poster who asserted as fact that there WILL be another woman involved? ok then I don't think it was rude to suggest that people tend to use their own experiences to inform their view of things.

OP sounds like you are starting to think things through and from what you describe you may well find that once the dust settles, you will be better off without him.

I didn't say 'there will be another woman involved' I said it was my guess. Don't let the facts get in the way there now dear....

It was rude because you categorically stated I was projecting and was therefore implying I am incapable of stating an opinion from anything other than a personal need to offload and identify with the OP for my own agenda. I find you rude and presumptious accordingly and as I said previous you are incorrect. You should apologise.

Now getting back to the OP with respect to her question.....

He sounds controlling and no you shouldn't try and adopt a false persona to win him back. The prize is ,frankly, a booby one.

I pointed out the likelihood of another woman as I think it is relevant if you are holding out any hope of reconciling with him. People usually try to do all sorts of things to keep their marriages going before they split. It's the ones that come out of the blue that leave the OP reeling that more often than not involve another party. It's all part of the well documented script on here.

It usually starts with the split being attributed solely to the OP's suddenly unreasonable and intolerable behaviour. The statement is often made about loving you but not being in love with you anymore. Next comes the defensive anger which coming back to your title is the guilt coming into play. Then there is a complete rewriting of history as to how terrible the relationship has been but there is no one else. They then usually start dicking around with money/access saying you are making unreasonable demands and instigating arguments out of fuck all so they can therefore justify being even more unreasonable ( or claim you are). Etc

It is a well trodden path on here.

I could be wrong and sometimes people leave relationships they are not happy in but most try counselling first or at least suggest it because when children are involved most people recognise it is incredibly important to call it right and they recognise that relationship go through ups and downs.

I wouldn't concentrate on getting him back but focus on getting yourself into a happier place.

You don't want to focus on whether or not there is an OW, so I won't give my views on that, except to say that just because someone has a hunch, doesn't mean they're projecting

Show him that you can cope without him, but do this for yourself not to try to get him back. Whether he comes back or not (or indeed if you take him back), at some point you'll be glad you weren't a snotty mess every time he saw you. By all means be a snotty mess, you're allowed to be, but try to keep it together in front of him.

Why would you want him back? He sounds lazy, selfish and tiresome - he did nowhere near his share of domestic work and childcare but expected to have sex on you whenever his willy twitched. It's much better to be a single parent than have to service a man who gives you nothing.

Do you think he really has an OW if his new flat is near ours? He'd be an idiot to go to any pub in the neighbourhood with someone else, or even go for a walk. He also told me that I can come round whenever I wanted. And he knows I would look through every inch of the flat for a hint of an OW. What am I missing in this? And no, he's going to pay huge money to rent a flat that he'll never be in, and spend all his time in the OW's flat, just to convince me.

Completely another suddenly abandoned here.

I genuinely don't know if there's another woman or not in your case nor mine, but I do know this:

It really doesn't matter.

The early months are the toughest. Everything is turned upside down, you are bereft, bewildered, hurt and distressed. And yet, you have to keep going somehow for the sake of the children. It is without doubt the toughest time of your life, I imagine.

What I'm also learning is that a disproportional amount of energy, thinking time and, for some, - money is spent on the 'why' (I didn't employ a Private Detective, for example) when in fact you need to spend time, energy and money (if there's any going spare) on you.

If you lack self-esteem and confidence as you say (and given it doesn't sound like he's been that nice and supportive to you, so is it any wonder?), then work on your self-esteem and confidence instead.

So when/if he ever decides to come back, you have the self-esteem to say 'Well, actually, I'm not sure I want you back'.

And if you decided to take him back, you have the confidence to state the terms and conditions he can come back under.

And if he doesn't come back - well a woman with self-esteem and confidence has just come back into the world.

What I've learnt, I suppose, is that I can do all sorts of things that I didn't think I could - and that's helped me get my self-confidence back. But it takes time and it involves being nice to yourself.

Lots of people 'round these parts say 'Fake it til you make it'. They'd be the ones who are right.

Survive and Detach was my bible for coping with abandonment, if you're looking for some reading material.

OP my experience as a family lawyer tells me me that , no, he won't feel guilty.

Please don't wait for that to happen.

He will tell himself that he hasn't left the children, that everyone deserves to be happy, that it is better for you that he leaves etc etc. I'm fact anything but the truth!

A lot of parents are consumed with guilt towards their DC who have to live with their parents' divorce. But they don't feel guilty about leaving a relationship that was unsustainable.

@ Bonsoir. Well said.