Fit and Unfit couples

[ProfessorPickles]

I have recently started seeing someone and he's extremely fit and toned. Then there's me who's a bit overweight and all jiggly.

He definitely fancies me so far but I'm terrified of taking my clothes off infront of him, I'm not exaggerating when I say I look unattractive.
I've never taken my bra off infront of anyone either which is another issue.

Is anyone else in a relationship like this?
Are you the fit or unfit partner and is it an issue for either of you?

For me personally appearance is the least important thing, if someone doesn't suit me mentally they can be as gorgeous as they want and I wouldn't fancy them. But I just can't shake the awful feeling that my body will repulse him

I half know I'm being daft and the other half of me knows I need to get fit even just for my own benefit so I could get closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Erm... how common do you think it is that men force themselves to have physical relationships with women they find unattractive, OP?

Exactly.

And I think he's probably had a good look and decided he likes what he sees. Lucky you.

Please don't go and start talking him out of it!

When I met my ex he was slim, and he gradually got bigger and bigger over the years, but I always found him attractive - he had lovely smooth, honey-coloured skin and a really wide smile, and was tall and charming. What I did not like was when he started getting all coy about his appearance in middle age, putting up his hand to cover up his double chin whenever I took a photo or wriggling into some weird position to cover up his belly. It made me feel like I was being nasty or criticising him when in fact I was trying to take a nice photo of my husband.

I will admit that I was more worried about his health, though, as we sometimes went to work dos and all the other men in his position but older had heart trouble etc.

Now he turned out to be too charming for his own good, I've been thinking about what my new perfect partner would be like. I'm not bothered about size in itself, but would like to find someone with a vaguely similar lifestyle, so someone with a very different body shape would make me wonder if that was compatible. With a really sporty-looking bloke I'd be worried that he might want me to go cycling or something all the time, for example - I'm slim but not sporty.

Very wise Professor penis tattoos are seldom a wise idea.

PP I'm exactly the same as you even down to having one 'funny' nip which I'm eternally hung up about and my tummy sags A LOT and is badly stretch marked. When I first met DP he was a proper adonis with six pack and a bit exercise obs essed. I was so nervous and despite already having a dc noone had ever seen my boobs and it took ages for me to reveal all. He was genuinely confused by my issues which were mentioned only briefly (I didn't want him to say he found me attractive JUST to reassure me IYNWIM). A couple of years back we were playing a what do we like most about each other type thing and he said my eyes and my tits. .I could have cried! 15 years later we love having a bath . I'm still hung up so don't have the answer. My dp finds me attractive but I still believe no other man would.. I've also Googled images of real boobs and you may find yours are pretty normal. .that did help me. Good luck..If he's a good un it will work out fine..

I'm still at the same weight now and actually wearing the underwear as I type but now I no longer feel too special.

I don't know if anyone else recognises this, but I really find that feeling sexy is a habit. Sometimes I get preoccupied with the children and work and so on, and just get out of the habit of feeling sexy or seeing myself as a sexual person. I have to consciously practice thinking and feeling sexy.

I also recommend see through undies for revealing without revealing. ..

It would be nice if we could stop with the body-shaming too. This isn't a thread for stating exactly what you do and do not find attractive in people's bodies. It's about feeling body confident, isn't it?

OP, I know exactly how you feel! I am hugely overweight, have a huge wobbly jelly belly (with mother's apron), saggy boobs, huge thighs and bingo wings.

In June, I married a man who is slim and fit and who thinks I am the sexiest woman on the planet. I know he thinks this because he tells me nearly every day, and also because when I am near him, there is often a -ahem - physical reaction.

I have absolutely no idea why this is, because I personally find my body most repulsive. But if I mention that, he gets offended (sort of), because he feels like I am criticizing his taste in women and what he is attracted to.

I'm pretty sure the guy you are seeing has a good idea that he's going to fancy you without your clothes on.

Fake the confidence, though. That's what I did the first time I got naked with now DH. I heard somewhere that confidence was a bigger turn on than a great body, so I just pretended to myself that he really wanted to see me naked and that he was going to enjoy seeing me take my clothes off. Turns out, I didn't have to pretend after all.

It would be nice if we could stop with the body-shaming too. This isn't a thread for stating exactly what you do and do not find attractive in people's bodies. It's about feeling body confident, isn't it?

Exactly

I feel equally unattractive at size 8 as I do at size 20. However, I feel equally attractive when on the bounce and a natural high when things are going good.

My DH responds to how I feel and project myself, more than how I actually look.

OP, as you know, yours is a body confidence problem. I think counseling/hypnotherapy and nice underwear could all help.

I wonder if it would help you if you thought as though your body belonged to your best friend, or your adult daughter. Wouldn't you think that body would be entitled to love, compliments and a great sex life? I hope you would.

Be kind to yourself. As other posters have said, he likes you!

In my experience men like all sorts of shapes and sizes but it tends to be the difference between them and us that they like. For example, most men I've known love the softness of a woman's body as it's in direct contrast to a man's which tends to be hard and muscled (mostly) and straight up and down. What turns them on the most though is the fact that female flesh is distributed differently in each woman and the larger the woman, the more flesh she has and the more exciting it is to experience that difference.

I've been both a size 8 and a size 14 so have seen both sides of this. More men preferred the larger me. I think because we are surrounded by media images of very thin women, we forget the power and allure of curvaceous, larger women.

ShortandSweeter

I read something on here where a poster was talking about her partner being abusive about her weight and had said words to the effect of "being overweight shows you don't respect yourself".

Your words echoed that thought. Why do you say self respect = being in shape?

I'm now wondering if there is some truth in that (I am a bit overweight to put this into context so it's a genuine question not a skinny girl come to fat bash).

I once worked with someone who developed serious clinical depression and ended up being signed off work. She went from looking elegant, stylish and in shape to basically an overweight mess. It didn't happen overnight and was incremental. Stopped wearing make up. Stopped making an effort. Basically stopped caring about herself. It was pretty clear that her depression destroyed her self respect and she basically gave up caring about how she looked.

I wonder whether there is a grain of truth in ShortandSweeter's attitude ie. if you have a lot of self respect, you really care for yourself and your body in all ways - good food, balanced diet, avoiding overeating, exercise etc.

It's really made me question whether I have not as much self respect as I should have as I'm a bit overweight.

[This isn't directed at the OP btw - it's just a genuine question, if this is a topic of interest, I can start another thread as don't want to de-rail the OPs topic]

She went from looking elegant, stylish and in shape to basically an overweight mess. It didn't happen overnight and was incremental. Stopped wearing make up. Stopped making an effort. Basically stopped caring about herself.

I think there are two things getting mixed up here, weight and personal grooming.

Hiya CheersMedea, I am more than happy for your post to be discussed on here as I think it is relevant.

Personally I'd say being over weight isn't a sign of a lack of self respect, although it possibly could be a sign of unhappiness in some where they binge and hate themselves for it.

Although I'm overweight I do eat healthily, exercise sometimes, wear make up, do my hair and dress smartly so I don't feel I personally lack self respect.
I do however eat slightly bigger portions of the healthy meals and don't get quite enough exercise so I suppose there is a little bit of neglect in that sense.

I'm interested to see what others think about self respect and if it has any relevance to weight! A part of me feels it might do regarding eating poorly but I'm not sure!

It sounds like this guy is into you so I wouldn't worry

But it sounds like you're unhappy with how you look so why not try & change it I guarantee it will make you feel better and you get secondary health benefits from being fit like sleeping well, having more energy etc. Your new BF would prob love to show you the ropes it's a nice thing to do together

Sorry to go off on a tangent but just in case it's useful to anyone:

I used to be bigger & lost the weight over about 18 months it wasn't that hard, forget stupid fad diets & unbearable exercise. What I did was:
Cut out the 3 most unhealthy things I ate - just banned them from the house that was:
Peanut butter (used to eat 1 jar a week = 1,500 cal a week)
Cheese (used to eat 1 big block a week = 1,000 cal a week)
Milk (went to skimmed, used to drink 4 pints a week = 500 cal a week)
These 3 things alone saves a staggering 156,000 cal a year, so cutting them out is the equivalent of a workout every day, or 3 stones of fat!!

Then did 60 mins light exercise 4 times a week (light jog, bike ride etc)
Buy good quality running gear & shoes etc it's worth it

I'm trim now & feel so much more confident about myself. Wasn't that hard

Undereating can also be because you're miserable, though, can't it? And in my experience you don't put on as much weight if you're a nervous wreck who rushes round like a chicken with her head cut off. Or if you have a naturally low appetite. My self-respect has taken some blows this year and I've lost weight - am now slightly underweight.

This thing about not showing anyone your boobs - I'm surprised this seems quite common but what I'm wondering most is how does it work? You mean you change clothes out of sight and wear some sort of lacy lingerie in bed?

Second the posters saying losing a bit of weight etc is easy and makes you feel great if you put your mind to it, but honestly if he finds you sexy now he probably prefers a woman with curves! He may find you less attractive if you suddenly become a toned size 8!

Have you thought about something to boost your confidence that is a short term fix? Perhaps spa type treatments, get your skin glowing head to toe etc. Anything if it makes YOU feel good.

When I moved in with my DP he had been very depressed and had not been looking after himself, he was just short of 10 stone and looked deathly thin, even his face was drawn. I found him attractive because I loved him! I felt a bit flabby being with him as he had no bum and was bony, even though I weighed about the same as him (just more juggle on me ), I felt really chunky. He has now put on 4 stone and looks gorgeous, he's really stocky, not fat just back to being well built and his shoulders are very broad. He looks a million times better and also I'm much more comfortable around him sexually as I don't feel like I'm gonna break him . As long as you are healthy you will look great, don't focus too much on diets or how you want your body to be, focus on your health and how attractive this man finds you just as you are.

Jiggle*

OP This is something I really struggle with. In a nutshell...

I'm currently a size 12/14. I could do with losing a stone, but I wouldn't want to lose any more than that. I used to be a lot 'slimmer' but I think I look better with a bit of flesh on me.

But I wouldn't want a man to be embarrassed about being seen with me, I can't shake the feeling that my body would repulse someone, either, and I wouldn't believe anyone who said it didn't, quite honestly.

It isn't helped by the fact that I have quite a 'shapely' bottom and yet all I hear is women saying "at least I don't have a big bum".

I know my recently ex boyfriend found me physically unappealing due to my shape/size, although he was attracted to my personality and said he thought I was 'pretty', and I know that my exH wasn't physically attracted to me. It's not the first time I've realised my physique is unappealing to a man. So all this stuff about men liking curvier women hasn't been my experience.

I generally 'look good' - I take care of my appearance, and I'm good at faking the confidence stuff, but the bottom line for me is that when the clothes are off, they don't like what they see (and I'm not a chicken fillets or spanx girl either!). Such is life, I suppose.

But this man clearly likes you, and you know he fancies you so far. I haven't really got any advice. I can only empathise with you and maybe you'll think, "well at least I'm not that bad, so perhaps it's ok after all!"

I have recently started seeing someone and he's extremely fit and toned. Then there's me who's a bit overweight and all jiggly

I have worked in an all male team for years and if there is one thing I can pass on with confidence - they all love flesh, proper squidgy warm jiggly flesh, curvy bits/boobs/thighs/arms. They oggle ample women more than stick thin ones.
They are wired for it.
It's women who are obsessed with being thin and having nothing wobble!

I've always had plenty of admirers and boyfriends. I'm very confident in my skin. Oh and I'm petite and slender. Perhaps I too should extrapolate wildly from my experience and say that all men like petite and slender women?

Or perhaps not.

Straight men like women, that's it.
We are more than the sum total of our body parts, you are you, and he likes you, a few inches here and there won't made a difference. Would you date a guy without a six-pack? Course you would...

It's women who are obsessed with being thin and having nothing wobble!

Yeah, not really. All my male friends prefer slim women. Not 'stick thin', but definitely slim.

The guys I know prefer slim, but they are all sporty guys, so would also want an active and in-shape partner.

That's not everyone's cup of tea though, different strokes for different folks!

Op, I am a size 8 and still dislike the parts of my body that have changed forever due to having kids. If you cant change something you don't like, for me its stretch marks and small boobs and fat that's stuck under my belly button. I hate these bits but I have to focus on improving what I can or else I will be my worst enemy.
Bring skinny does not equal beauty and If you want to be slimmer then do something about it, if you gain confidence from the weight loss then great but if you still feel negative about yourself then its deep within. Let this man make you feel great, he likes you and go with it. I bet you are beautiful and you need to let the right man show you this.
Life is too short and we have to except the body with have, alot of negative feelings about the body come from our own distorted beliefs about what beauty is.
The last two men I have been attracted to have carried extra weight and it didn't make me find them less attractive because attraction is a mixture of things that get us going plus they didn't have hang ups about not having six packs and confidence is sexy.